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    As you all become older, you will have a harder and harder time rejecting the simple truth that everyone changes. Often it’s for the better, but even more often it’s for the worse (time is kind to none of us, except maybe Brad Pitt). And as we age, I don’t think anything changes more than our personal tastes. Oh wait, our physical forms slowly wither and betray us, but that’s a close second. What are some of the things that will change? I’m glad you asked, convenient segway. Here are the 7 Things You Probably Hate But Will Love As An Adult:

     

    Challenging Books

    things you will grow to love

    (source)

    Look, everyone loves a good Twilight or Harry Potter book to pass the time, but it’s pretty easy stuff. If I didn’t have to slog my way through one hundred pages of Harry and Hermione wandering around in a forest wondering where the horcruxes were, I could have killed that last book during a subway ride. But as you get older, you’re going to want more from your literature. You’ll come to be excited by finding the best translations of ancient Russian works, because it’s hard, and things that are worth doing are hard (also worth doing, things that are easy to very easy.)

     

    Going Out, And Then Staying In

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    As soon as you reach an age where, legally, you are not barred from any businesses, you will want to be going out all the time. You may thinking “but I love staying in and playing video games!” but trust me, the allure of the once forbidden fruit will be too much for you. Then, as you continue to age (as we all do, except for Merlin, who, legend has it, is living backwards through time) you will go “I am both figuratively and literally tired of doing this.” And will go back to staying in.

     

    Being Clean

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    You kids and your mess. Sure, you don’t care where things go now, but you will, and very soon. Why? Because as you get older, and you discover how little control you have over life, you will find any area you possibly can where you can exert some power over things. Also, fellas, ladies aren’t crazy about a guy with a messy apartment.

     

    Many Vegetables

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    Part of the reason you don’t like vegetables now is that odds are pretty good you only ever have them served to you with the flavor and joy boiled out of them (maybe if you helped around the house, your primary care giver would have a little more time to make something nice!) Once you become an adult, however, and start going out to nice restaurants (paging Guy Fieri!) once in a while, you will discover the joys of well prepared vegetables. BONUS! They will trick you into thinking you are somehow staving off the end by eating healthy.

     

    Being Informed

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    All the better to lord a smug sense of superiority over everyone else with.

    Not Caring

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    When I was a teenager, everything was of such deathly importance to me. Having to go to school, not getting enough allowance, being so in love with a girl in my English class, all of these things honestly felt like they would be the death of me. Now, not only is there so much stuff happening in my life that IS incredibly important, but I’ve also had such extreme emotional swings so many times in the past, that I’ve come to really enjoy shrugging my shoulders and going “Hey, if it happens it happens, and we all rot in the ground anyway.”

     

    You Parents

    >things you will grow to love

    (source)

    It’s a lot easier to have a mutually loving relationship when one side isn’t resentful towards the other over having to waste at least eighteen years raising them, and the other is resentful at not being allowed to do anything fun.

     

    Don’t worry, you will also grow to hate many things as an adult. Which things? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out Toys That Remain Fun As An Adult!


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    So I was talking with some friends the other night about what we would rename ourselves if we had the option today. Because we were SO tired from talking so long about global economics and books and smart kid stuff. My answer was of course Bartholomew Snizzlepuss. But you guys can still find me @danborrelli. Anyway, the point of this is that it got me thinking about famous things that were never given names. And why we call them what we call them. So here are 6 of those.

    6. X-RAYS

    homer simpson xray

    (source)

    So the X-ray frequency was discovered by German scientist Wilhelm Rontgen. Well, it was discovered a short while earlier by a team but Rontgen gets the credit because he named it…nothing. Maybe he couldn’t decide on a name he liked, maybe all the good names for electromagnetic spectrums were taken, maybe he’s just likes to play by his own damn rules. Whatever the reason, Rontgen simple wrote down “X-ray” as a way of stating that they were, in fact, unnamed. The term sort of just stuck after that.

     

    5. THE WHITE ALBUM

    homer simpson xray

    (source)

    So it was a self-titled album. The problem was, people didn’t know that. Many bands tend to make their debut album self-titled and since the White Album came out at the height of The Beatles’ popularity, this may have cause some confusion. While it’s a well known story, something worth noting is that it’s still unknown if Ringo did, or did not in fact have “blisters on me fingers”.

     

    4. STREETS IN CROWN HEIGHTS

    streets with no name

    (source)

    I bet at this point Apple Maps would just explode trying to navigate through this neighborhood. The problem here is that there were never really meant to be widely used streets, so they never got named. But it got me thinking about how in a time when everything physical is so thoroughly documented in computers and online, how unnatural it feels to have unnamed streets. Does it really matter? Are we so married to our gps devices that we can’t simply call something “the alley behind the bustling and very profitable Blockbuster” like we used to in the 90s?

     

    3. THAT THING YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE ON THE BATHROOM AND YOU’VE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER AND THE TOILET PAPER IS ACROSS THE ROOM SO YOU HAVE TO WADDLE OVER TO GET IT.

    10 guy meme

    (source)

    I’m gonna call it the squazzle. Either that or the Bartholomew Snizzlepuss in loving memory of the person I never became…

     

    2. THAT 70s SHOW

    ”cast

    (source)

    So the story goes that during development they didn’t have a name for the pilot. Everyone just kept referring to it as “that 70s show”. And similar to the X-Ray, it just kind of stuck. I’m just hoping that with all of the remakes of 90s shows we get a “That 90s Show” at some point.

     

     

    1. FLOPPY DISKS

    ”black

    (source)

    I almost jumped off the roof when my 13 year old cousin didn’t know what a floppy disk was. To be fair though that’s technically not their name. Floppy disks were first called…nothing. Well, they were referred to as “memory disks” but didn’t have a formal name. Then people started calling them floppy disks because they were, well, floppy. I guess programmers don’t make good PR reps. Also big shout out to my boy Alan Shugart for inventing the damn thing and allowing me to play countless hours of Oregon Trail.

     

    What would you have named these things? Let me know in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli

     

    Check Out These Amazing Harry Potter Motivators!


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  • 12/18/12--16:34: 10 Super Weird Tumblrs
  • There’s some crazy crap on the internet, that’s for damn sure. Stupid memes, stupid YouTube comments, stupid Twitter accounts...basically, you can’t click a mouse without finding something downright weird online. Tumblr, however, is the epicenter of the absurd – tens of thousands of Tumblr blogs revel in the ridiculousness of bizarre imagery. The Tumblrs on this list are the cream of the kooky crop.

     

    Album Tacos

    weirdest tumblrs in existence album tacos

    (source)

    The braintrust behind Album Tacos does the Lord’s wacky work by Photoshopping delicious looking tacos onto the covers of famous albums. Unless, of course, these images aren't Photoshopped and there really is a Bruce Springsteen album entitled "Tacos on the Edge of Town." It’s strikingly similar to another Tumblr, The Kitten Covers, but with edible subject matter (assuming, of course, you don't find kittens edible).

     

    Moustair

    weirdest tumblrs in existence moustair

    (source)

    Moustair is “Where men meets moustaches meets hair meets moustaches meets hair meets MOUSTAIR.” Basically, it’s a Tumblr where you can trip out on images of mustaches Photoshopped as hair. Do you get it? Of course you don’t. That’s because it makes no sense. If you’re more of a beard buff than a moustache maniac, you may prefer the equally absurd Dudes With Beards Eating Cupcakes.

     

    gnitaE

    weirdest tumblrs in existence gnitae

    (source)

    gnitaE is the word “Eating” in reverse. As such, gnitaE deals exclusively in animated GIFs of eating. In reverse. A backwards version of Weird Al Yankovic’s "Eat It" is also hosted on the site, which you can listen to whilst watching Bill Murray pull a sandwich out of his mouth over...and over...and over...

     

    Law & Order & Food

    weirdest tumblrs in existence law and order and food

    (source)

    Do you get off on watching Jerry Orbach eat, you sick freak? If so, here's your new home page. You’re welcome.

     

    Me and Fred Durst

    weirdest tumblrs in existence me and fred durst

    (source)

    Check it: Me and Fred Durst is a Tumblr full of photos of people awkwardly posing alongside Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. It’s weird ‘cause, y’know, who in their right mind would want to pose for a photo with the dude who wrote “Nookie”?

     

    Am I Beyoncé Yet?

    weirdest tumblrs in existence am i beyoncé yet

    (source)

    Ah, “Am I Beyoncé Yet?”. The Tumblr that asks, "Am I Beyoncé Yet?" According to the site’s mission statement, "Every day I will look in the mirror to check if I'm Beyoncé and then I will post the findings here." As of today, whoever runs this site is not Beyoncé. But who knows what the future will hold?

     

    Bread People

    weirdest tumblrs in existence bread people

    (source)

    The only thing more delicious than bread is people, which is why this Tumblr is awesome – it’s two great tastes that taste great together. It also inspired Cheese People, an equally delectable site.

     

    Microwhat

    weirdest tumblrs in existence microwhat

    (source)

    Microwhat’s packed to the gills with animated GIFs of nondescript everyday objects like markers, candy and Doritos bags…before and after they've been microwaved. Hell, they even microwaved a Polaroid photo of a microwave. Whoa...talk about meta...

     

    The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day

    weirdest tumblrs in existence same pic dave coulier every day

    (source)

    Exactly as its name would imply, The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day regales readers with the same sick pic of Uncle Joey, every damn day. Everywhere you look.

     

    Lindsay NoHANDS

    weirdest tumblrs in existence microwhat

    (source)

    Lindsay NoHANDS is all about Lindsay Lohan. Sans hands. As is the case with “The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day,” it’s a beautiful testament to truth in advertising.

     

    What’s the nuttiest Tumblr you’ve ever seen? Did it permanently scar you with its lunacy? Let me know in the comments!

     

    Check Out 20 Hilariously Bizarre Tumblr Coincidences!


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    It's December again, which means every musician with zero integrity is cashing in on the spirit of the holiday and releasing a Christmas album. For example, here's the one your creepy uncle made:

    most wanted xmas albums

    He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

    (source)

    The world really doesn't need another Bieber Christmas. But that doesn't mean the Christmas album should die off completely. Instead, here are the musical artists we most want to see doing one:

     

    PSY

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    As silly as PSY is, I took him seriously. "Gangnam Style" is a fun, crazy sendup of consumerist values, and I applauded the guy for using his 15 minutes of fame to actually say something important. But then this happened:

    Yep, he exchanged playful commentary on sexism for Santa ("Hey sexy lady" = "Hey Santa baby") and mockery of the upper class for celebration of the holiday they turned into a soulless cash machine ("Oppan Gangnam style" = "Oppan Christmas style"), and all for money. Am I reading too much into this? Probably. But the one thing I know for sure is I would LOVE to see PSY try to reconcile the message of the song that made him famous with making a money-printing Christmas album. PSY! CONSIDER YOURSELF CHALLENGED!

     

    Skrillex

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    Yes, that is a picture of Skrillex dressed as Santa. Why? Do not question the almighty Skrillex. Skrillex is the absolute, the everything. Your puny mind cannot understand the Skrillex.

    But in all seriousness: a Skrillex Christmas album would be awesome. Christmas music usually puts me to sleep, and I think it's about time it starts giving me seizures. Skrillex, if you're reading, here are some songs you should do: "Winter WUBWUBland," "WUB You This BWOAAAOOWWW Christmas," and "Grandma Got Run Over By A WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB."

     

    Swans

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    Swans are great and terrifying and your parents don't want you to listen to them. In the words of their frontman (pictured), they sound like "trudging up a sand hill wearing a hair shirt, being sprayed with battery acid, with a midget taunting you." Their albums include Kill the Child and Public Castration Is A Good Idea. This makes them PERFECT candidates to make a Christmas album. Christmas music is boring, repetitive, and empty. Who wouldn't want to see that hollow-faced guy up there sing about roasting chestnuts (and/or children)? He'd certainly spice things up!

     

    Miley Cyrus

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    Hear me out! Record labels often force artists to make Christmas albums so they can squeeze more money out of them. This is something Hannah Montana-era Miley would have had zero problem with. But now Miley's trying to be a bad girl. (She even got a haircut!) If Miley Cyrus made a Christmas album this year, it would probably include lots of hilarious attempts to sound badass while singing about the least badass thing there is. Sample hit: "Xmas Trees (And By Trees, I Mean Marijuana Plants, Which I Have Totally Smoked Before)."

    Chris Brown

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    Chris Brown has spent the last three years not apologizing for beating the hell out of his girlfriend, demanding we forgive him anyway, and generally being the worst excuse for a human being ever. For some reason he still has lots of fans who are totally okay with it. This is why I want Chris Brown to make a Christmas album, and I want it to be called "Beloved Holiday Classics From Chris Brown, You Know, The Guy Who Almost Killed Rihanna." It should include songs called "White Christmas Except For The Blood Of My Victims", "Jingle Those Bells One More Time And See What Happens", and "Deck The Halls (If By Halls You Mean Women)." If he has to go with those titles, it MIGHT not even sell a million copies!

     

    The White Stripes

    most wanted xmas albums

    (source)

    I really just want the White Stripes to record an album. Please come back. We miss you.

    Do you have any better ideas? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check out A Smoshy Christmas!


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  • 12/19/12--11:56: EAGLE Snatches Up a BABY?
  • It used to be that if there was one place where we could go and play safely with our children, it was an open-air park frequented by predatory birds. But ever since this video of a golden eagle grabbing a kid hit the internet, well, last night, that sense of security has gone right out the window.



    Could have been worse. The KID could have gone right out the window.

    The eagle dropped the kid right back to Earth immediately afterwards, so seemingly, he wasn't hurt. Although, I wouldn't be shocked if he develops a case of ornithophobia, the irrational fear of birds. On the other hand, it could go the other way, and this kid could vow revenge on birds, and never rest until every bird is punished.


    the punisher
    I could get down with a bird-themed Punisher.
    (source)

    Of course, a lot of YouTube commenters are claiming the video is fake, pointing to inconsistencies in the shadow and the way the bird's wing seems to appear and disappear. But keep in mind, people who research the validity of an internet video are the absolute worst. Besides, there is still a lot we can learn from this video. Even if it is fake, should we let that detract from the overall message of the video?


    crazy eagle
    That message of course is that EAGLES ARE F*CKIN CRAZY MAN,
    THEY'LL F*CK YOU UP.

    (source)

    The most important question to ask right now isn't whether or not the video is fake, but what the eagle wanted. Was this a kidnapping attempt? Is this eagle hard up for cash? Was he going to ransom that kid back to his parents? Or was this a vengeance-based attack? Are eagles mad at us for naming our most disappointing football team after them?


    eagles bad at football
    Seriously, the Eagles are REALLY bad at football.
    (source)

    What do you think were the eagle's motives? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out New York Town Must Choose Between BLOWING UP BALD EAGLES and Having AWESOME FIREWORKS.

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    The whole Mayan apocalypse thing has been debunked over and over. It just isn't going to happen. I'm still holding out hope that we'll get to see a really cool apocalypse on December 21, 2012. I know a lot of you are really gung ho for a zombie apocalypse. I really like watching The Walking Dead and zombie movies, but that's one apocalypse that I don't want to be a part of. It's not that it scares me. It's more a smell thing. A zombie apocalypse has got to be the stinkiest apocalypse you could possibly have. No thanks. Here are apocalypses that I hope happen on 12/21/12.

     

    H. P. Lovecraft Giant Aliens

    cthulu demands spellcheck meme

    (source)

    Lovecraft would write stories about these terrible giant species of alien that really wanted to come destroy the earth. We've seen these themes in tons of awesome movies, but it'd be nice to actually see it happen. Hopefully we'll all get to fight them while wearing giant robot suits like in the new Guillermo del Toro film Pacific Rim. I've wanted to fight giant space monsters while wearing a robot suit before I even knew how to walk.

     

    Idiocracy

    idiocracy motorcycles

    (source)

    Idiocracy is an apocalypse where everything is done for you, gatorade comes out of the faucets, and the only entertainment is either someone getting hit in the balls or violent death matches. It sounds pretty awesome to me. The one down side is that everyone is so dumb that no one can truly appreciate how awesome their lives are. I would give anything to not have to drink dumb water again! WATER IS FOR TOILETS!

     

    Futurama

    Futurama is one of my favorite TV shows. The episode called "The Late Phillip J. Fry" might be my favorite episode. In it, they get to see tons of apocalypses happen right before their eyes, but are never in any danger because they get to watch it from the comfort and safety of Professor Farnsworth's time machine. There are so many apocalypses in this that it's hard to pick one, but I'm going to have to go with the one with the giraffe overlords.

     

    Waterworld

    hipster ariel loves waterworld

    (source)

    I love swimming, but I don't have a pool or live close to the ocean so I never get to go. That's why I want to live in Waterworld so bad. Everywhere has an awesome ocean view. The other two best things about Waterworld are that you get to ride jet skits everywhere and you get grow gils behind your ears to breathe underwater. If I had gils, I would never leave the water.

     

    A Boy and His Dog

    two crazy people from a boy and his dog

    (source)

    A Boy and His Dog seems like a pretty normal wasteland apocalypse. Well, except that the main character as played by a young Don Johnson can communicate with his dog telepathically. It gets even weirder when he discovers an underground society that lives in a bizarro version of the 1950's. It turns out that all of the men are infertile so they need Don Johnson to impregnate all of their women. They act like this is some horrible act just because they want to use a giant scary machine to extract all of his manhood. I think Don Johnson was over reacting a bit. It sounds like a pretty sweet job to me.

     

    Pokepocalypse

    giant tentracruel attacks city

    (source)

    If Pokemon suddenly came into existence for real, they would pretty much destroy the entire planet within a few days. The best part of this apocalypse is that when someone runs up to you screaming about how an Onix just destroyed their house you get to reply, "Uh, Actually. That was a Steelix. You can tell tell because it was shiny. An Onix would have been a more duller gray. You moron."

     

    Bear City

    I mostly want the Bear City apocalypse to happen because it's so adorable. In Bear City, a meteor wipes out all of the humans and then bears come in and replace everyone. They drive cars, they get in to arguments, and they even go Christmas caroling. Sure. We wouldn't be around to enjoy it, but I would die happy knowing that all of my stuff wasn't just going to go unused. I'm pretty hairy so maybe if I survive, I would be able to blend in with the rest of the bears.

     

    The Mayan Apocalypse

    mayan apocalypse friday meme

    (source)

    I kind of just want this to happen so everyone can be all like, "I told you so." These crazy people that predict the apocalypse every other year never get to have any fun since the apocalypse never comes. On top of that, everyone always makes fun of them. That makes them seem like kind of an underdog to me, and everyone loves rooting for an underdog. They claim that the world is going to explode or something. I'm hoping for a bunch of ancient Mayan gods showing up to the planet and taking everything out.

     

    How do you plan on spending your last day on earth? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out 18 Zombified Cartoon Characters!


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    You ever wonder why you don't see Christmas specials from video games the way you do with sitcoms? I mean, we never play through a Resident Evil level where Leon learns the true meaning of Christmas from a Licker who saved his allowance all year to buy him a bicycle or whatever. This is because video games, unlike sitcoms, act like grown-ups and take the holidays off. Here's what some video game characters are doing this holiday season.

     

    Gordon Freeman

    gordon freeman half life christmas

    (source)

    No one in Gordon Freeman's family really knows what he does for Christmas. You see, a long time ago, he showed up for the Christmas party two years in a row, but it's been so long that everyone's starting to think he's never going to come around a third time.

     

    Banjo and Kazooie

    banjo kazooie holidays

    (source)

    Banjo and Kazooie tend to spend their holidays exchanging gifts with their friends, like Polar Bear Dad here or giant sphinx from giant sphinx level. They only gifts they ever ask for, however, are jiggies and musical notes, so they kind of soured the holiday mood last year when that mole who teaches them new powers gave them Fast Five on DVD.

     

    Isaac from Dead Space

    dead space santa hat

    (source)

    In the spirit of forgiveness and acceptance, every Christmas Eve, Isaac goes out for a drink with a bunch of the monsters with vaginas all over them. They have a great time, and promise to get along better in the new year, but then they never follow through.

     

    The Donkey Kong family

    donkey kong christmas

    (source)

    The Donkey Kong family spends their holidays standing on each other's shoulders, acting like a Christmas tree, because they're monkeys for the love of christ and they don't get how this stuff work.

     

    Solid Snake

    snake christmas

    (source)

    Solid Snake has literally given every single member of his family the same book for Christmas for the past fourteen years — Michael Quinlan's "Thinking About Nuclear Weapons: Principles, Problems, Prospects". And I do mean every member of his family. Aunt Carol, who only reads cookbooks and People magazine — Michael Quinlan's "Thinking About Nuclear Weapons: Principles, Problems, Prospects". Little cousin Tommy, who specifically asked for a 3DS — Michael Quinlan's "Thinking About Nuclear Weapons: Principles, Problems, Prospects". Brother Liquid Snake, who literally planned a nuclear strike against the United States — Michael Quinlan's "Thinking About Nuclear Weapons: Principles, Problems, Prospects.

     

    Princess Peach

    peach christmas

    (source)

    Kwanzaa. Peach celebrates Kwanzaa.

     

    Kratos

    kratos christmas

    (source)

    KRATOS BRINGS GIFTS TO ALL THOSE ON HIS NICE LIST. HE MURDERS ALL WHO ARE ON HIS NAUGHTY LIST. NO ONE IS ON HIS NICE LIST.

     

    Besides playing an insane amount of video games, how are you spending your holidays? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     

    Check out The True Meaning of Christmas (According to TV Sitcoms)!


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  • 12/19/12--16:02: 10 Worst Pop Songs Of 2012
  • 2012 has given us some amazing things. The Mars Curiosity Rover. A new Hobbit Movie. Grumpy Cat. But it’s also given us some pretty terrible pop songs. When I was making this list I tried to avoid songs like “Hot Problems” or “Thanksgiving” since they didn’t really count as “pop.” I also avoided songs that were annoying merely from being overplayed, like “Call Me Maybe” or “Somebody That I Used to Know.” The list is a little hip-hop heavy, since this year hip-hop just sucked a little more, so I apologize. Ke$ha will be releasing new singles next year, so maybe dance-pop will dominate the worst songs of 2013 list. Let’s get started!

    Note: Some of these songs have filthy filthy swear words. Listen with caution!

     

    10. Dance (A$$) Remix – Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    Now a song about asses is fine, but song that is mostly just the word ass? Like ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass? Well, at least it rhymes. How was this approved as a radio-friendly song? The song is called “Dance (A$$)” instead of “Dance (Ass)” like they are fooling ANYBODY with those dollar signs. “Mommy, what is that song A$$ about?” “I don’t know Dakota, that’s not even a real word. We better listen and find out.”

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass.

     

    9. Cruising California – The Offspring

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    Musically, “Cruising California” sounds like one of the edgier Hillary Duff songs, but with an 45-year-old man rapping on top of it. Some people say this is a “joke” song like “Pretty Fly For A White Guy,” but I’m not convinced. “Pretty fly” was actually a fun song to listen to. The joke in “Cruising California” is that it sucks? Fun joke guys!

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    I know you heard that bass bumpin' in my trunk

    Bum-bumpin' in my trunk, bum-bumpin' in my trunk (oh yeah)

    I know you heard that bass bumpin' in my trunk (uh huh)

    Bum-bumpin' in my trunk (uh huh), bum-bumpin' in my trunk (let's go)

     

    8. Turn On The Lights - Future

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    The music is basic and forgettable, the lyrics are shallow and repetitive, but what makes this song stand out is that the lead vocals straight up suck balls. The auto-tune on this song is turned up so far Future’s voice sounds like Lil Wayne’s death rattle. Stephen Hawking talking into a fan would produce a more authentically human sound.

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    Turn on the lights

    I'm lookin' for 'er

    I'm lookin' for 'er

    I'm lookin' for 'er

     

    7. Birthday Cake – Rihanna ft. Chris Brown

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    If some dude were to beat my face up and send me to the hospital, and never show any real remorse, I would avoid that dude for the rest of my life. However, if I did decide to get together my attacker again, it would have to be for a good reason, and not just to record a terrible song. I guess Rihanna and I are just different types of people! This awkward, slow, “sexy” song about cake (hint: the cake is a metaphor!), is so annoying I’m worried people will stop liking cake.

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    I’ma make you my bitch

    Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake…

     

    6. Trying Not To Love You - Nickleback

    For most of these I was trying to base my assessment on the actual song, but HOLY CRAP this video. WATCH THIS VIDEO.

     

    What the hell is going on here, Costanza? I think Kramer’s Laugh Factory meltdown tape is less embarrassing. Oh, and song itself is just another forgettable mid-tempo “rock” track that sounds suspiciously similar to “How You Remind Me.” If you want to feel bad about music, just remind yourself that Nickleback has been North America’s biggest rock band for about 10 years.

     

    5. The Whale Sounding Part from "Some Nights" – fun.

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    For most of these, I had to dislike the entire song before I included it on the list. For example, just having annoying lyrics wasn’t enough (lucky you, Carly Rae Jepsen). But I made an exception for this song because it has possibly my least favorite pop music moment of 2012. (ALSO, this pretentious pop song about the struggles of a musician for some reason has a CIVIL WAR BATTLE THEMED VIDEO. Yes, America’s bloodiest conflict, a war to save the union and later free the slaves, is the perfect backdrop for you to whine about people jacking your style. Also, what style are they jacking? Your damn auto-tuned WHALE SOUND?)

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    Oaahaaaawwwaaahhhahahaaaa

     

    4. Instagram That Hoe – Fat Joe ft. Rick Ross & Juicy J

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    I bet you forgot about Fat Joe. Well, the “Lean Back” rapper is back, and SURPRISE, he still kinda sucks. Or actually, really sucks. “Instagram That Hoe” makes “Lean Back” look like “Hey Jude.” Of all of the things to do to a hoe, intstagraming them has got to be the most boring. Thematically, this makes sense, since this is a boring song about Fat Joe taking cell phone pictures of his shoes, watch, and (wait for it) hoes.

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    Instagram that hoe, Instagram that hoe

    Instagram that hoe, Instagram that hoe

     

    3. Breakfast (Syrup) – Kreayshawn ft. 2 Chainz

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    Normally featuring the over-hyped and under-talented 2 Chainz on your song is the stamp of suckitude, but when Kreayshawn is involved it’s like putting that stamp on a turd. Pushing the “stacks of money=stacks of pancakes” metaphor WAY too hard, Keayshawn delivers another flat, uninspired rap track that’s an insult to the most important meal of the day.

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    I-I-I-I’m hungry, hungry for this money

     

    2. Kim Kardashian – Soulja Boy

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    If a team of the world’s worst musicians slaved for years, painstakingly crafting the very worst lyrics, vocals, and music, they couldn’t come up with a song half has horrible as Soulja Boy’s “Kim Kardashian.” The music track is literally just someone pounding the same chord on a piano over and over, and 50% of the lyrics are just the word SWAG. But let’s not forget Soulja Boy’s horrible, lazy, off-beat rapping. Many musicians mature throughout their career, and as they grow as artists they challenge themselves to explore new ideas or genres. Soulja Boy started off terrible, challenged himself to reach new heights of terribleness, and succeeded beyond his wildest expectations. (I almost didn’t include this since this song wasn’t actually popular and Soulja Boy is more forgotten than Friendster, but I felt I needed to document this atrocity.)

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    I got so much swag

    Pretty … pretty girl, pretty swag

    Kim kardashian, long hair, yellow…

    Swear she got a nice hair… swagging with versace

     

    1. Stupid Hoe – Nicki Minaj

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    Technically this song was released in 2011 but I’m including it since it inflicted most of its ear damage in 2012. Sometimes Nicki Minaj will rap/sing over actual music, but the backing track on “Supid Ho” is just a series of “whoop-whoop-whoops” that sound like someone recorded a malfunctioning fire alarm. On top of this “music” Nicki delivers some of the most asinine lyrics ever written in one of the worst rap styles ever performed. It’s the perfect storm of garbage composition. “Stupid Hoe” isn’t just the reason a lot of people don’t like Nicki Minaj - I’m convinced it’s the reason some people don’t like music at all.

     

    Choice Lyrics:

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe

    You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)

    You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)

    You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)

     

    SPECIAL AWARD: The Motto – Drake ft. Lil Wanye, Tyga

    worst pop songs 2012

    (source)

    Because, and I beleive I am using this term correctly, YOLO.

     

    What do YOU think is the worst pop song of 2012? Let me know in the comments or on twitter at @carpetislava.

     

    Check the 10 Most Ridiculous Lyrics Of 2011!


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    Good fictional entertainment manages to entertain us by keeping the logical questions we might normally have at bay. That’s why we always talk about the plot holes in bad movies: If the movie hadn’t been so generally awful, we wouldn’t have had gone “Well, why did they build up all this tension with her husband returning on the train and then not pay it off?” (I’m not crazy about Doctor Zhivago). And I guess since you kids all love Pokemon without ever asking questions about it, it must qualify as good fiction. But I have questions! Real life questions! In fact, here are Issues That Would Come Up If Pokemon Were Real:

     

    Regulations

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    I don’t know if you guys remember the whole “Michael Vick thing” (not referring to his awful season with the Eagles, fyi) but people are not super into small animals fighting each other for fun and profit. So assuming Pokemon battles would even be allowed to continue, there’s the whole question of what regulations would be required. I’m pretty sure the whole “children battling in open fields with no adults” would be the first thing to go.

     

    Shady Fight Promoters

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    And here’s a good example of WHY we would need all kinds of regulations! Anyone familiar with Don King knows this: the people who tend to promote fights are only as above board as they are required to be so they don’t go to jail.

     

    Tolerating Bad Behavior

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    The flip side of the Don King example: part of the reason he was such a bad guy was that he allowed fighters to be so pampered and not face consequences for their actions that it warped them into thinking they could do anything they wanted (and they faced real, serious consequences for their behavior). Now, imagine a small rodent who can generate electricity and lightning bolts at will behaving the way Lindsay Lohan does. It would probably be the end of the world.

     

    Roaming, Feral Pokemon

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    I live in Los Angeles, and many parts of the city have serious dog problems. Just packs of pit bulls, wandering around at night, because at one point somebody thought they could take care of a dog, when in fact they just ended up letting it go in the streets two or three months later. Why would Pokemon be any different? Somebody decides they want a Squirtle on a whim, then things go bad with their finances, and they end up dumping him in a public swimming pool in the dead of night so they don’t have to deal with the burden financially. Not good.

     

    Killed For Medicine/Trophies

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    Now, I haven’t seen every episode of the show, but I’m pretty sure Pokemon weren’t constantly living in fear of people shooting shotguns at them because they a)wanted a stuffed Zapdos on their mantle, or b)thought they would get some terminal illness cured by grinding up and snorting the foot of a Hitmonlee. But guess what? That’s a reality for most exotic animals on earth. Also, what if one type of Pokemon tasted particularly good and was easy to breed and feed. Don’t tell me we wouldn’t factory farm, and eat,. them.

    Hunted To Extinction

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    If people are hunting Pokemon, they’re almost certainly not hunting them responsibly. “Hunting” and “responsibly” rarely go to together (also not going with the word “Responsibly”; almost all human behavior). In particular, legendary Pokemon don’t really have a chance of lasting one or two months of existence before, best case scenario, a group in Southern California sets up a preserve to try to restore their numbers.

     

    People Would Try To Be “Intimate” With Them

    pokemon in real life

    (source)

    Just because Pokemon would be real, doesn’t mean creeps wouldn’t!

     

    What other preposterous problems could arise? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out These Fake Pokemon Cards!


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    Yesterday, we told you about an eagle that swept in, grabbed a baby, and dropped it from ten feet in the air. We all flew into a panic, thinking that this was going to happen all the time now. Yesterday, for all we knew, we were seeing the beginnings of a new normal, where we'd have to fight off hungry eagles as we walked to the grocery store. But as it turns out, the only eagles we have to fear are CGI eagles, and even then, only if we're CGI babies.



    Do CGI babies dream of pre-rendered sheep?

    The video was created by Normand Archambault, Loïc Mireault and Félix Marquis-Poulin who are 3D animation students at Centre NAD in Montreal. The school wrote an explanation, describing the students' process of inserting the digital bird/ baby combo into the video. While there is nary an apology for presenting the eagle attack as real, there is a paragraph devoted to the number of YouTube hits and media the video has generated.


    golden eagle views
    Pictured: Number of people Centre NAD thinks are idiots.
    (source)

    So, we were fooled. I'm more embarrassed about this than when the internet lead me to believe The Blair Witch Project was real, or that there was a dog as big as a horse, or that Obamacare was going to murder my grandma. In fact, I'm so angry about this particular internet hoax that I need to go sit alone in my room and listen to music.


    charging ipod with onion
    Just as soon as my iPod's charged.
    (source)

    But the worst part about this hoax is the harm it's done to the reputation of eagles. Two days ago, eagles were a proud symbol of American values, and today they've become America's most feared villain.


    chester a arthur
    Which is exactly the path taken by Chester A. Arthur after he
    curb-stomped a bunch of puppies.

    (source)

    Did you believe the eagle video? There's no shame in it if you did. Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out Man Proposes To Girlfriend By Faking His Own Grizzly Death!

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    It’s the end of the year, and bloggers around the world are compiling their Best of 2012 lists. That’s fine, but don’t you think everyone’s jumping the gun? What if something awesome happens on December 31st? Just to be safe, I’m really only comfortable reminiscing about the early part of 2012. Here’s some stuff that happened not that long ago that we’re already nostalgic for.

     

    iPhones That Had Some Heft To Them

    early 2012 zack morris

    (source)

    (source)

    Back in my day, when you were holding a smart phone, you felt some resistance in your forearm. You could get a workout just from balancing the device on your palm whilst trying to text with your thumb. But ever since the lighter, sleeker iPhone 5 came out, people haven’t been able to work out, thus the obesity epidemic.

     

    Sh*t Girls Say Making Us Laugh

    early 2012 shit girls

    (source)

    Remember when the Internet was funny? “Sh*t Girls Say” was a genuinely poignant, amusing piece. And then the commonfolk killed it with their imitation videos and their not realizing their friends had already posted it a month ago. Humor is endangered due to overpopulation.

     

    Politics Being A Thing

    early 2012 rick santorum

    (source)

    Rick Santorum put Urban Dictionary on the map, and Mitt Romney induced Mitt Mania amongst at least three people. We took a brief hiatus to watch the Olympics, but then SNL started having Jay Pharoah play Obama, and we had to pay attention once more. Now it’s like, we get it, please stop emailing us, k thanx bye.

     

    Rihanna Being Likeable

    early 2012 rihanna plane

    (source)

    It’s bad enough that we have to change the radio station every time Chris Brown comes on the air. This year, RiRi started to show her entitled celebrity b.s. colors, holding a private plane of journalists “captive” and releasing music with Mr. Smack That himself. Also, “Diamonds” is not a good song. I’m done with her.

     

    Uggie From “The Artist”

    early 2012 uggie artist

    (source)

    When “The Artist” won the Oscar earlier this year, everyone was fixated on one tour de force: Uggie the Jack Russell Terrier. The world marveled at this animal who could make us laugh, cry, and delight us on red carpets and talk shows. Now all we have left is that pale imitation at lowest-common-denominator entertainment: Honey Boo Boo.

     

    The Sanctity Of Marriage

    early 2012 amy will

    (source)

    Amy Poehler and Will Arnett? Seal and Heidi Klum? Khloe and Lamar (omg but are they)? I’m not so sure about Global Warming anymore; seems like everybody’s cooling off. Jess and Justin, we’re counting on you!

     

    What else do you already miss about early 2012? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now!


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    I'm writing this from my bed at 1:42 am central standard time, wishing so badly that I was asleep. But you see, while some people's brains are like the hard drives in a Macbook Air - lightning fast, responsive, but without a lot of storage space — my brain is like the hard drive of a Macbook Pro — huge, powerful, but slow, especially when starting up or, in tonight's case, shutting down. So I'm going to spend this time chronicling some of the dumbest things my brain thinks of when I'm trying to get to sleep.

     

    All the ways I wasted today

    reddit

    (source)

    Sure, I spent six hours on the internet today but if I don;t continue to support the internet it could collapse. Then what would people do when their dogs did something funny or they ran into a cast member from Community?

     

    All that I'll have to do tomorrow because of it

    grocery shopping

    (source)

    I can probably go grocery shopping WHILE I'm babysitting and finishing my term paper and grinding all those coffee beans and doing laundry and finally calling my mother and throwing away all that moldy fruit from the last time I went grocery shopping.

     

    The worst thing I ever did in my whole life

    realizing at night

    (source)

    Have you ever tried getting to sleep when your brain won't stop bugging you about the time you did that... you know... thing? Or even worse, things? I've done so many terrible things I sleep with a stack of apology cards next to my bed.

     

    How far away from achieving my dreams I am

    giving up

    (source)

    Boy, if wasn't for these late-night catch up sessions with you, brain, I'd never realize what a mistake clown college was.

     

    That one friend from high school I KNOW is going through a hard time and that I should call but what would I say and what can I ever do to make everything okay?

    sad man

    (source)

    To keep my brain from going on about this one, I usually get up and like one of said friend's Facebook statuses. I'm sure he knows that means I'm, you know, there for him.

     

    Tacos

    tacos

    (source)

    I can never tell if I'm actually hungry when I'm going to sleep or if I'm just bored falling asleep. But man does a taco sound good right now. I can just imagine eating a taco, letting it all fall all over myself. Oh man, what if I had a bed made out of tacos? Then I could just eat tacos as I fell asleep. And then all my problems would be over...

    Okay, that didn't make even a little bit of sense. That's good. I'm starting to fall asleep. Maybe I'll dream about tacos.

     

    Ways to balance the federal budget through a series of strategic revenue increases and reductions in spending

    obama bohener meeting

    (source)

    I don't see why the president doesn't ask me for advice on negotiating the fiscal cliff deal with congressional Republicans after I've had some warm milk and put on my PJs.

     

    This scary .GIF I saw like two years ago

    creepy gif

    (source)

    BRAIN THIS ISN'T REALLY HAPPENING IN MY ROOM RIGHT? BRAIN WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? BRAIN, TALK TO ME! BRAIN, DID IT GET YOU?

    I'M SO SORRY BRAIN.

     

    Cute dogs

    cute dogs

    (source)

    Okay, things are getting a little easier to handle now. Thanks for coming through with these cute dogs, brain. I think I can finally get to sleep...

     

    The best idea I've ever had

    notebook

    (source)

    Wait hold on brain that's a really good idea I should write that dowwwnsaoisv'nep;aonp;vsdl,'fg .;;;;;;;;;;;;;lcwe'l;;;;;;;;;;;;;';l

     

    What does your brain do to you when you're trying to go to sleep? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     

    Check out 31 Beds You'd LOOOOVE To Sleep In!


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    The Mayans knew just as much about the end of days as I do about the sex of Kate Middleton’s fetus (I have my hunch but it could be a penis or it could be a gal with a tail, you don’t know what those Royals are covering up). What I definitely know is that there have been thousands of prophecies that came and went and this is likely to be another. Here are some of the most notorious cases of doomsday prophecies that mankind played around with like a Royal chasing her tail.

     

    Business As Usual In 1666 C.E., Unless You Owned London Real Estate

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    If you were anywhere near the internet on 12-12-12, you’re aware that people put a lot of stock into consecutive numbers that occur within dates. Well, our western forbearers back in 1666 C.E were just as numerically ridiculous. There were many who thought that this year would bring about the end of days, 666 clearly indicating the mark of The Devil. The horned one may have been dancing on London’s rooftops during The Great Fire of London that year, but as far as the greater world was concerned, it was just another year.

     

    The Prophet Hen of Leeds (1806)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Some chickens tell you the sky is falling, in Leeds in 1806 one chicken told us Christ was coming, literally. The hen in question had begun popping out prophetic eggs one day that read, “Christ is coming” and drove the town into an end of days fervor. It was later discovered that the farmer who owned the hen had been writing the missives onto the eggs with corrosive ink and then would shove the eggs back up the bird. His wife must have been a lucky woman.

     

    The Millerites Get Used To The Great Disappointment (1844)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Even though the New Testament claims that, “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father” that has not stopped some religious minded people from speculating. Preacher William Miller believed that Jesus would return on October 22, 1844 to usher his followers into heaven. When Jesus totally spaced on his appointment and Miller and his followers had to face facts, it was known as, “The Great Disappointment”. Or, as the rest of the world called it, “The Great No Sh$%*”. .

    Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Apocalypse Eventually (1914, 1918, 1925, 1975, …)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Say what you will about the Jehovah’s Witnesses, but at least they’re consistent in their inconsistencies. Since their inception as an offshoot of the Millerites they have interpreted apocalyptic prophecies in practically every generation. Law of averages they’ll probably be right one day. Except about Birthdays, because birthdays are awesome.

     

    Planet Clarion and The Seekers (1954)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Dorothy Martin, a housewife active in Scientology, believed that she had been given a warning by aliens stationed on the planet Clarion that a flood was coming December 21, 1954. She amassed a small following and on the eve of what was surely the world’s destruction, these folk waited to be rescued by the concerned aliens. As 4am came and went and it was clear they weren’t coming, Martin was given a new message. This new message congratulated her and her flock for their belief and in so doing spared Earth from god’s destruction. Truly they are unsung heroes and not sad, deranged persons making the best of it.

     

    Aum Shinrikyo Attempt At Self-Fulfilling Prophecy(1995)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    The Aum Shinrikyo have the distinction of being a doomsday cult that actually attempted to further the doom along. Their leader Shoko Asahara ordered (amongst other acts of terror) the release of Sarin, a nerve toxin, into a public subway killing 12 and hurting thousands. As of this list, Asahara still waits to be executed pending further acts perpetrated in his name, reminding the world that you can’t pronounce Asahara without an, “Ass”.

    Heaven’s Gate, Denied (1997)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    The Heaven’s Gate cult believed that the world was about to be recycled (how 90s of them) and the human race would be wiped out in the process. The only means of survival was to hitch a ride on the Hale-Bopp comet passing by committing mass ritualistic suicide. They say comedy is tragedy plus time, but I’ll always feel a little bad for the Heaven’s Gate folk. All they wanted was to wear their new Nikes in space, I can’t hate on that.

     

    Y2K Jades a Generation (2000)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    I remember New Years 1999. My friends and I snuck some booze from Lana Kirkpatrick’s mom and talked about boys. At the stroke of midnight the sprinklers came on mysteriously in the front lawn and we danced in the water until I puked. Good times. Oh, the world still went on and people had a lot of canned food for the next couple of years.

     

    Harold Camping Trolls Stupid People, Again (1994, 2011)

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Behind a lot of doomsday prophecies is a doomsday prophet taking the money from the hopeless and the gullible. Harold Camping, like many before him, used clues from various Judeo-Christian texts to come up with September 6, 1994 as the day of The Rapture. When that ultimately didn’t pan out he doubled down on May and then October of 2011. Meanwhile his followers liquidated their assets not bargaining on needed a bank account after being tagged it by Team Jesus. Camping recently had a stroke but I’d like to think that it was god giving him a swift backhand for being a dick.

     

    Do anyone of your friends believe the end is near? Or did you hide them already in your Facebook feed? Let me know in the comments!

    Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or DOOM.

    Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!


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    Finally a study has come out that isn't telling us that what we like to do is bad for us!  Laboratory experiments done at at UC Berkeley have shown that applying physical pressure to malignant breast cells guided them back to a normal growth pattern. So basically squeezing breasts might be a very good thing. Carry on, Captain Falcon!

    study squeezing breasts cancer

    (source) 

    Lead researcher, Gautham Venugopalan explains it this way "When we lift weights our muscles get bigger. The force of gravity is essential to keeping our bones strong. Here we show that physical force can play a role in the growth - and reversion - of cancer cells."  Jensen Ackles is all like, duh! He's been on the breast -squeezing bandwagon long before it was good for you!

    study squeezing breasts cancer

    (source) 

    The study involved growing malignant breaths cells and then compressing them in the early stages of growth, until they eventually started growing in a normal way. The really cool part is that even after compression stopped the cells continued growing normally. Don't tell that to this monkey!

    study squeezing breasts cancer

    (source) 

    Professor Daniel Fletcher, had this to say: "We are showing that tissue organization is sensitive to mechanical inputs from the environment at the beginning stages of growth and development." He also added that compression might not at actually be used as therapy. LALALALALALA we can't her you Professor Fletcher!

    study squeezing breasts cancer

    (source) 

    Whatever the treatment, ANY treatment that can prevent breast cancer is a GREAT thing. And if turns out that that treatment is breast squeezing... hey all the better! I'm sure Katy Perry will have lots of people willing to sacrifice their time to help her fight the disease.

    study squeezing breasts cancer

    (source) 

    What do you think of this study? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out 21 Strangest Things That Katy Perry Has Put On Her Boobs!


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    Technically, if you’re in a mall long enough, even the best Christmas songs become the worst Christmas songs just by hellish repetition. But there are some horrible songs that are so bad to begin with that you’ll want to put something sharper than your elbow in your ears to extinguish the sound. Side note: I fully endorse trying to stick your elbow in your ear, time well spent and a merry time had by all to watch.

     

    10. “Everybody Knows The Clause” - Hanson

    Full disclosure, I totally have a soft spot for anything Hanson. So even though this song is basically just an awful “Mmmbop” retread I would totally, legitimately put it on an X-mas CD. Irony is always cool right?

     

    9. “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk For Christmas” – John Denver

    While the best country music is all about the misery and quiet desperation of simple folk with problems bigger than themselves, this one is just too painfully relatable for too many people. Play this in a dive bar outside of town and get ready for the biggest, burliest biker to bawl like a baby on your shoulder. But hey, if that’s your thing and you want a sad bastard Christmas song, this is the one for you.

     

    8. “Funky, Funky Christmas” – New Kids On The Block

    More than half the lyrics of this 90s time capsule are just, “funky, funky Christmas”. It’s clearly a hastily thrown together tune to shake the Christmas allowance from their legions of fans around the holidays. Come to think of it, has One Direction come out with a Christmas album yet? Or would a boy band doing a cover of a boy band song cause the world to collapse in on itself under the weight of too many hormones?

    7. “Christmas Conga”- Cyndi Lauper

    Cyndi Lauper is a vocal legend, an activist, a fashion icon, and by all accounts a lovely human being. But Christmas Conga might be the song most likely playing for all eternity in the bowels of Krampus as he slowly digests all the naughty children.

     

    6. “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” – Donald Yetter Gardner

    I hate any song that is written to be sung by overly precocious children at a never-ending holiday pageant or creepily sung by full grown adults as if they were overly precocious children at a never-ending holiday pageant. This is the sweet spot of that sort of misery.

     

    5. “Merry Christmas With Love” – Clay Aiken

    There are so many Christmas songs that sound like a warm, damp blanket made out of a rolled out cheese log that’s slowly smothering you but this has got to be one of the worst.

     

     

    4. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” – Elmo and Patsy

    The funny thing about novelty songs is that they’re not.

     

     

    3. “Boys and Girls Xmas Time Love” – Cheeky Girls

    I had never heard or heard of this song before making this list and I can say with all certainty that it’s the best worst Christmas music video to ever crawl out of the Eurotrash that spawned it. Its got beefcake boys and bikini girls, its got heavily accented and gyrating twins, its got an absurd rap break and above all there is absolutely no real tangible connection to Christmas whatsoever! I love it, watch it now.

     

    2. “The Christmas Shoes” - Newsong

    There’s nothing I could say that could top the superlative riff on this crap song by Patton Oswalt so I’ll leave it to him. I will say that the TV movie based on the song has got to be the Rob Lowe’s second worst career move between the upcoming Cassie Anthony movie and all those drugs in the 80s.

    1. “Santa Claus Has Got The Aids This Year” – Tiny Tim

    Allegedly, ALLEGEDLY, Tiny Tim didn’t actually mean the horrifying disease but just the unfortunately named diet bar ”Ayds” from the late 70s. Even so, the coincidence makes for one the most bizarre, unfortunate and inappropriately hilarious X-mas songs ever and the defacto number one spot on the list. You can top Santa having Aids I don’t care how Funky your Christmas is.

     

    Did I miss any stinkers? Any of the songs not deserve to be here? Let me know in the comments!

    Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or I will come caroling these songs at your house.

    Check out Musical Artists I Most Want To See Make a Christmas Album!


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    There were so many excellent videos this year and most of those excellent videos got quite a few excellent parodies. Not to mention becoming the basis for some excellent memes. Ah...I love excellence. I'm sure glad the world didn't end today because I'm looking forward to 2013 trying to outdo 2012 in the excellent video department! Here's a little walk down memory lane, the top ten most viewed videos of the year. Let's give them all one more view, shall we?

     

    10. Felix Baumgartner's supersonic freefall from 128k' - Mission Highlights

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Remember when this badass jumped from the edge of space, broke the friggin' sound barrier and then asked me out to celebrate with him but I had to say no  because I had plans to catch up on Breaking Bad that night? Yeah, 2/3rds of that happened.

     

    9. Facebook Parenting: For the troubled teen.

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Girl disses dad on Facebook. Dad shoots daughter's laptop and posts video of said shooting on YouTube. Wins the internet. Girl then pouts like a little spoiled baby. The end.

     

    8. Dubstep Violin- Lindsey Stirling- Crystallize

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Okay, dubstep you win. I finally liked you.

     

    7. WHY YOU ASKING ALL THEM QUESTIONS? .. #FCHW

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Every bad relationship ever summed up pretty effin' hilariously.  I wanna hang with these dudes. Also I want some pizza.

     

    6. A dramatic surprise on a quiet square

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source)

    Put out a button and you just know someone's gonna  have to push it. Trolling IRL. Then watch as sh*t GETS REAL! Well done, TNT.

     

    5. Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney. Epic Rap Battles Of History

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Romney had as much chance at winning this one as he did the White House. Although he might have had a better chance at winning the White House if he had run with this Eminem-lite persona.

     

    4. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen - Feat. Justin Bieber, Selena, Ashley Tisdale & MORE!

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Of all the amazing Call Me Maybe videos that came out this year...this one would be number one. Just to piss us all off. At least it's nice to see that Ashley Tisdale is still getting work.

     

    3. KONY 2012

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Okay. I have to confess. I never watched this video. But I also never shared it...so I'm not a total a-hole, right?  I also have to confess that I watched the video of the Kony dude running naked like 6 times. I know...really bad priorities.

     

    2. Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Acoustic guitar playing is much cooler when it's not some doofus RA who only knows three chords and four Jason Mraz songs. This was definitely the song of the year along with Call Me Maybe and Gangnam Style...wait can you have 3 songs of the year?

     

    1. Psy - Gangnam Style

    most viewed videos 2012

    (source) 

    Hey sexy Smoshers...did you have any doubt?? This video not only pony-trotted it's way to the top of the list for 2012, it's the number one viewed video of all time. ALL TIME!!!  In your face, Bieber!

    What's your favorite video from 2012? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out 10 Worst Pop Songs From 2012!


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    Holidays are basically just an excuse to have a sweet party. A lot of real holidays are great, but the religious aspects of them make some people feel left out. There are tons of awesome fake holidays from movies, TV, and video games that we as a world should adopt so everyone can feel like part of the gang. Here are fake holidays that I wish were real.

     

    Life Day (Star Wars)

    magic wookies

    (source)

    Life Day is a Wookie celebration about life or something. I don't really care what the purpose of it is. I just want to party with Wookies. Every year I pay a bunch of homeless dudes to put on Wookie costumes and hang out at my apartment. It's not as fun as it sounds, and they probably smell worse than the Wookies would.

     

    Festivus (Seinfeld)

    festivus donation slip

    (source)

    Festivus is kind of the ultimate fake holiday. It is so popular that a lot of people actually celebrate it for real. It involves a feast, an airing of grievances where you tell everyone how much you hate them, and feats of strength where someone from the feast has to wrestle the head of the household. That pretty much sounds like any family dinner night at my parents house so maybe this isn't so special after all.

     

    Kongo Bongo Festival Of Lights (Donkey Kong Country)

    donkey kong santa

    (source)

    The Kongo Bongo Festival of Lights is almost identical to Christmas. You hang out with family and give each other presents. The main difference is that it also involves shooting off a ton of fireworks. If it were up to me, I would add fireworks to every holiday. I don't care what the holiday is. I just want to blow stuff up.

     

    The Feast Of Winter Veil (World Of Warcraft)

    goblin santa

    (source)

    The Feat of Winter Veil is World of Warcraft's version of Christmas. It's a several week long in-game event where you can do stuff like dress as a festive gnome and kiss elf babes under mistletoe. They even give out presents. These presents are way better than the ones you get from Santa. I don't know about you, but I've never had Santa bring me a magic battle axe that shoots lightning and lets me teleport anywhere I want. Santa needs to step up his game if he wants to compete this year.

     

    Robanukuh (Futurama)

    fembots oil wrestling

    (source)

    Robanukah is even more fake than most of the holidays on this list. Not only is it a fake holiday, but it's even fake in the show that it exists in. Bender the robot made it up so he could get extra time off work. It does have some pretty sweet traditions like being lazy, drinking booze, and doing the robot dance. I think the most important tradition of all is the fembot oil wrestling match. I don't like it because I'm attracted to them. I just like the sport of it. I SWEAR!

     

    National Dogbert Day (Dilbert)

    saint dogbert

    (source)

    National Dogbert Day is a holiday born out of efficiency. It was invented to give employees less time off work. They did this by combining every holiday in to one super holiday. It's like the Voltron of holidays. It only lasts for one day, but it definitely kicks every other holiday's ass.

     

    Fappiano (ALF)

    alf santa

    (source)

    I love food like crack addict loves smoking crack. Fappiano is a feast on Melmac that lasts all day. It only ends when everyone is too tired to eat anymore and then you open presents. The only down side is that the main course is cat. I knew that big fat cat my grandma has would finally come in use for something. I've never eaten a cat so maybe Alf was on to something. It's always good to broaden your horizons.

     

    Treat Yo Self Day (Parks and Rec)

    treat yo self meme

    (source)

    Mani-pedi? Treat Yo Self! Fur coat? Treat Yo Self! Go kart? Treat Yo Self! This is the one day a year to TREAT YO SELF! No one else knows how to treat you this good. Sure, the month after when the credit card bills start rolling in will suck, but permanent financial ruin is a small price to pay for one really awesome day.

     

    Which fake holiday do you plan on celebrating this year? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out 22 Epic Snow Fails!


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    The end of the year is the perfect time to look back at what we’ve accomplished, where we are going, and when can we finally say goodbye to all that annoyed us over the past 12 months…

     

    Riding an Invisible Horse

    new year gangnam style invisible horse

    (source)

    Had this list been made six months ago the song we would all be saying we’ve had enough of was “Call Me Maybe.” But while that tune spawned several fan viral videos, “Gangnam Style” and its ridiculous dance was an outright contagion outbreak. Had this been a movie, the quick spreading of its popularity would have been shown as a rapidly expanding black mass across a science lab computer simulation of the world’s surface. Was the song catchy? Yes. Was the dance fun? Yes. Did it increase the chances of seeing your own grandma pretending to twirl a lasso while saying, “Look, Dear! I’m doing Gangland Style!” Oh dear God, yes. And that is why it must end.

     

    Incomprehensible TV Reality Stars

    new year honey boo boo and mom

    (source)

    It was bad enough that Honey Boo Boo and her one-more-cookie-away-from-losing-a-limb mom had to introduce humanity to such phrases as “Go Go Juice,” “forklift foot,” and, um, “neck crust.” But then the two had to be subtitled even when they were speaking English, whether because their backwoods accents were thicker than a third chin or simply because their verbal exchanges were so odd they sounded like selections from the Who toy catalogue in “The Grinch”—“finagly,” “seximous,” “sketti” and a serious of other made-up words that cause viewers to laugh at the family and weep for humanity at the same time.

     

    Movies Based on Toys You Forgot You Once Played

    new year battleship movie poster

    (source)

    “Battleship” was only supposed to be the start. Toymaker Hasbro was ben planning a whole series of movies based on the very games you played for a little while before you and your friend got into an argument or realized it had stopped raining outside. These included “Candy Land” (which was being envisioned as a sort of “Lord of the Rings” but with more of a focus on gumdrops), “Monopoly” (which probably would have consisted of watching a family fall apart over seven hours and 42 screaming matches), and, yes, “Hungry Hungry Hippos” (which would show why a large mammal cannot actually live on a diet of marbles). Fortunately, “Battleship” did a fast fade at the box office, otherwise we would all now be hearing who will play what ingredient in “Easy Bake Oven: The Trilogy.”

     

    Mommy’s Naughty Book

    new year fifty shades of grey

    (source)

    Most people don’t want to think about what our parents had to do to make us. But nobody wants to know exactly what our parents used—or what knots and chains they later had to untangle—to get in the mood to do that in the first place. But thanks to the incredible success of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books, we all know sex fetishes are no longer just for damaged people attending rubbing parties dressed as rabbits. Instead, because of the paperbacks we can now connect such words as ”handcuffs,” “bondage,” and “safety word” to “the person who just kissed away our boo-boo and then drove us to soccer practice.” Yes, we all knew our parents have sex—maybe not for quite some time but at some point—but now we can’t unlearn the fact that there might have been a leash, leather, or many, many batteries involved.

     

    Paying Money to See a Hologram Perform

    new year tupac shakur hologram

    (source)

    At first it was an interesting concept—the hologram of late rapper Tupac Shakur performing alongside Snoop Dogg and Dr, Dre at the 2012 Coachella Music Festival. Then there was word the three would go on tour, if only because that would involve just two tour buses. And then the remaining members of TLC said they wanted to tour with the hologram of deceased “Left Eye” Lopes. Then someone started working on Elvis and even Marilyn Monroe hologram concerts in the belief that aged fans of the two would even understand what the hell was going on. Then it seemed like soon all the dead would walk among us, not feasting on our brains but asking for $120 per ticket plus the usual Ticketmaster 7000% mark-up.

     

    Sh*t Someone, Anyone, Is Saying

    new year shit girls say

    (source)

    Girls, guys, gays, straights, hipsters, cyclists, vegans, yoga instructors, teachers, mothers, wookies…cats. We get it. Everyone says something stupid at some point. What started in 2011 as a funny video led to other funny videos in 2012…and then just more videos…and then the realization that maybe none of us should ever utter another word again.

     

    What thing from this year do you think will be gone next year? Let us know in the comments!

    Check Out The Best Memes Of 2012!


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    Why do we even call December December anymore? Let’s just face facts. December =s Holidays (actually, December =’s Christmas but we don’t want to get sued). And you know what? Not everyone is going into a mall for gifts, some of us just really like Wetzels Pretzel, like, a lot. Here are 7 people who really hate the holidays. Bah-humbug indeed:

     

    The Grinch/Scrooge

    holiday hate

    (source)

    Traditionally, nobody hates the holidays, Christmas specifically, more than The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge. Honestly, I think The Grinch was just a monster of Whoville’s own making what with the cave segregation and the lack of concern for his congenital heart defect. In the case of Scrooge he’s just an old man and old people are allowed to hate everything. When I’m old I’m going to hate on everything and steal stuff all the time because YOLO I’m almost in the grave-o.

     

    Emergency Room Staff

    holiday hate

    (source)

    People get into a lot of crazy stuff during the holidays whether they’re having a good time or not. The roads are more dangerous, people are getting wasted, mistletoe mysteriously ends up where mistletoe does not belong. And the poor Emergency Room staff is there to tend your wounds instead of their families joys. Their only joy is their stifled laughter after the third person shows up with an ornament up his personal chimney.

     

    Sweatshop Workers

    holiday hate

    (source)

    Santa’s workshop is real kids, the elves just don’t get bathroom breaks, unions, fresh air or childhoods. If only we “employed” the Ood, they love to work and nothing bad ever happens. Ugh, why isn’t the Doctor Who Christmas special on yet???

     

    December Birthdays

    holiday hate

    (source)

    Oh December babies, you poor bastards. You either get one whatever gift and one decent one or just one big gift. And forget about having a birthday party on your actual day if you’re born the 25th. That’s a hard way to live. .

     

    Emma Watson

    holiday hate

    (source)

    No, it’s totally true. Emma Watson is like a beautiful modern day Grinch. I hear she goes door-to-door kicking over people’s decorations and writing Hermione in the snow with a “yellow pen”. Bitch be crazy, crazy like a fox!

     

    Ents

    holiday hate

    (source)

    You do not want to be an Ent during the holidays. People are always trying to put tinsel on you. It’s demeaning.

     

    Jesus

    doomsday fail

    (source)

    Besides being a December birthday himself, Jesus actually hates the holiday season. It’s gotten so commercial, man. And what’s with all the focus on Captain Diabetes all nogged out of his jolly st. mind? Nobody puts cookies out for Jesus and he’s always watching you too! ALWAYS. Have a good night’s sleep knowing you’ve got two all seeing and all powerful men watching you at all times during your private moments. Judging you… G’Night!

     

    How do you feel about the holidays? Holly jolly or blue? Let me know in the comments!

    Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or Jesus and I will have a sad-off.

    Check Out 15 Best College Christmas Trees!


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    Usually all of the scary holiday stuff is reserved for October around Halloween. The Winter holidays are usually about giving, parties, and new beginnings. Well, you know what? Some cultures are just different than what you would expect and you just have to deal with it even if dealing with it means having horrible nightmares. Some of these are super scary. Here are terrifying Winter holiday traditions

     

    Yule Cat

    yule cat smushing someone

    (source)

    You would think something called Yule Cat would be an adorable cat friend for Santa that he shares his milk with in Iceland. Nope. Yule Cat is a terrible monster who abducts lazy children. How does he know who the lazy kids are? The lazy kids are the ones that aren't wearing new clothes. Sorry, poor people!

     

    Black Friday

    black friday mob

    (source)

    This is the only American tradition on this list. While most of the traditions on this list are sort of creepy myths, this one is actually a real and dangerous thing. It's the biggest shopping day of the year and people act like rabid animals trying to get the best deals at stores like Wal-Mart. If you attend a Black Friday event, you're probably going to end up with a black eye or a stab wound. The only cool thing about it is that it's the closet most of us will ever get to being in a zombie mob.

     

    Consoda

    (source)

    In Portugal, they have a Christmas morning feast called consoda. It's a really nice tradition because you get to eat with all of your family members. Even the dead ones. They leave plates out to invite the souls of their dead relatives to join them for the feast. I tried this last year, but it sort of backfired because at the gift exchange my great great great uncle got me bleeding walls for Christmas.

     

    Straw Devils

    giant scarecrow

    (source)

    In Bavaria, they dress up in these super creepy straw devil costumes and run around in the streets scaring each other. This is a pagan tradition that sort of got converted in to a Christmas tradition at some point. It doesn't really seem like they changed much in the conversion though. I think they should at least be wearing Santa hats. They're not even trying!

     

    Kallikantzaroi

    Kallikantzaroi

    (source)

    These Greek goblins aren't just going after naughty kids. They're trying to destroy the entire world. They are sawing through the world tree to try to destroy everything. Once a year during Christmas, they come out from the underground to try to mess with mortals. During that time, the world tree heals and everyone is saved. Yay! The Mayan apocalypse is happening right around the time of year that the Kallikantzaroi almost finishing sawing through the tree. Maybe this year will be the one that they finally saw all the way through. IT'S NOT JUST A COINCIDENCE!

     

    Mari Lwyd

    Mari Lwyd

    (source)

    This Welsh tradition is a lot like Christmas caroling. You go from house to house singing songs and hoping that the people you sing to will give you snacks and drinks. The difference being that usually when you Christmas carol, you don't dress up as a monster with a horse skull for a head. If that wasn't scary enough, they usually rig the jaw so whoever is in the costume can try to bite people. The tradition is supposed to bring you good luck, but if I had good luck then I wouldn't be getting nipped at by a guy in a dead horse costume.

     

    What terrifying holiday traditions do you celebrate? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out Japan's Crazy Christmas Traditions!


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