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Articles on this Page
- 11/30/12--15:08: _6 Disney Princes Th...
- 11/30/12--17:19: _7 Cartoons With Gia...
- 12/01/12--13:05: _My Expectations For...
- 12/01/12--14:19: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 12/02/12--11:34: _8 Apps That Aren't ...
- 12/03/12--11:00: _People Get Tear Gas...
- 12/03/12--12:25: _9 Things I Want To ...
- 12/03/12--14:47: _10 Former Child Sta...
- 12/03/12--17:18: _6 True Facts about ...
- 12/03/12--21:01: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 12/04/12--11:06: _University Offers P...
- 12/04/12--12:46: _Most Popular Things...
- 12/04/12--14:11: _7 Things That Aren'...
- 12/04/12--15:05: _6 Villains Who Prov...
- 12/04/12--17:29: _10 Ways To Win A Sn...
- 12/05/12--11:41: _5 States Are Making...
- 12/05/12--12:51: _The True Meaning of...
- 12/05/12--14:03: _7 Guys Who Should H...
- 12/05/12--16:34: _6 iPhone Habits Tha...
- 12/06/12--11:08: _Las Vegas Student t...
- 11/30/12--15:08: 6 Disney Princes That Would Make Horrible Boyfriends
- 11/30/12--17:19: 7 Cartoons With Giant Logic Holes
- 12/01/12--13:05: My Expectations For The Last Month Of The World
- 12/01/12--14:19: Caption The Photo, WIN A SHIRT!
- 12/02/12--11:34: 8 Apps That Aren't Worth the Money
- 12/03/12--11:00: People Get Tear Gassed Protesting Kim Kardashian??
- 12/03/12--12:25: 9 Things I Want To See In The New Star Wars
- 12/03/12--14:47: 10 Former Child Stars Who Became Messed Up Adults
- 12/03/12--17:18: 6 True Facts about 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'
- 12/03/12--21:01: Caption The Photo, Win A Shirt WINNER!
- 12/04/12--11:06: University Offers PUPPY Room to Stressed Students!
- 12/04/12--14:11: 7 Things That Aren't The Same Once You Become An Adult
- 12/04/12--15:05: 6 Villains Who Proved to Be Good Guys
- 12/04/12--17:29: 10 Ways To Win A Snowball Fight
- 12/05/12--11:41: 5 States Are Making School 300 Hours Longer. Are You In One?
- 12/05/12--12:51: The True Meaning of Christmas (According to TV Sitcoms)
- 12/05/12--14:03: 7 Guys Who Should Have Known Better Than To Date Taylor Swift
- 12/05/12--16:34: 6 iPhone Habits That Will Ruin Your Life
- 12/06/12--11:08: Las Vegas Student to MARRY Twilight Cardboard Cutout
I hate to be a poo-pooer, but are the Disney Princess love interests really all that? If I may be so bold as to answer my own question, no, no they are not. Henceforth this article. I mean we're always busting on the 'love story' in Twilight but are the Disney romances any better? Why are the Disney Princesses all gaga over these dudes? Here's a look at 6 Disney Princes that would make horrible boyfriends.
Who: Aladdin is a common street rat with a criminal record, until Princess Jasmine saves him from his horrible life of marketplace thievery.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: Guys can be bitter if they're with a woman who is more successful than they are.
Sure Aladdin is a nice guy, but we all know Jasmine is kind of a spoiled beeyotch. It's only a matter of time before she starts rubbing her wealth into his face and even a good guy can only take so much. Soon he'll be rubbing his lamp in every harem in the kingdom, just to prove he's got some power. After Jasmine dumps him, he'll always feel the need to have the upper hand, even if you're the one paying the bills. Also his pet monkey, Abu, looks like he'd be a pain in the a** to deal with.
Who: Prince Eric loves the sea so much he marries a half-fish.He is also famous for being incredibly dumb.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: You'd have to dumb yourself down to be with him.
Is it any wonder that he fell in love with a mute girl on a beach? Sure he's brave and all, but perhaps he's just too dumb to assess the danger of a task? I couldn't take those sad dumb eyes looking at me every time a brought up a subject he couldn't comprehend. Although if you love having a guy that you can manipulate the hell out of, Prince Eric is the one for you. But prepare yourself for heart break because this guy is a Darwin Award Winner if I've ever seen one.
Who: Prince Charming is most famous for having his daddy throw him a ball so he can find a wife. Kind of like the reality show The Bachelor, only more successful.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: Forgetful
Best case scenario, you get married and he forgets every anniversary, birthday and the fact that you've asked him numerous times to clean the toothpaste out of the sink. Worst case scenario you do the walk of shame after a night with him, only to have him try and pick you up again the next night as if you were a complete stranger.
Prince Adam/The Beast
Who: Prince Adam is a total jerk who gets turned into a Beast because he's too snooty to accept a rose from a woman he finds repulsive. Too bad she was an Enchantress testing him!! FAIL.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: Hot-tempered
Who needs to live with someone who might constantly go psycho at any moment?? I know we all wanna believe that the Beast has changed...but has he?? I mean I'm not saying he's a Chris Brown or anything. Oh crap. Now Chris Brown fans are gonna send me death threats for insinuating that Chris Brown is a violent beast. Let me just clarify something... I'm not insinuating that. I'm declaring it proudly.
Who: Prince Naveen is sexy and he knows it. Yeah he marries good girl Tiana, but not until after he tries to mack on her BFF Charlotte.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: Total player.
Prince Naveen is so damn good-looking, even if he doesn't want to cheat, he'll have women throwing themselves at him constantly. It's only a matter of time before you catch him in bed with some toad he picked up at a bar. "It just happened..." he'll say. Rage explosion. Do you really need to go to jail for committing a crime of passion??
Who:Li Shang is the cocky warrior who falls for his best friend Mulan. Who he thought was a dude.
Why they would make a horrible boyfriend: Constantly questioning his sexuality.
I'm fine with guys liking guys, guys liking girls or guys liking guys and girls. But I don't wanna be with a guy who is confused about what he likes in the least bit. It's gotta be a trip if you think you're straight and you fall in love with a girl you thought had a penis. I'm sure that would leave us all confused! Also I'm counting him as a prince, suckas! Because Disney counts Mulan as a Princess. So don't go there with me! Pretty please?
Who do you think is the worst Disney boyfriend? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
I don’t expect children’s entertainment to be totally bulletproof when it comes to logic problems. I mean, I have used some pretty specious reasoning when it comes to simply justifying many of my life choices, so it seems unfair to hold cartoons to a standard I don’t even keep when I’m trying to explain my terrible work ethic. But some logic holes are just too gaping to be able to brush aside. I DEMAND ANSWERS, DAMMIT! So, with that, and after considerable research, here are 7 Cartoons With Giant Logic Holes:
I know that the comic books have the exact same problem, but how is it at all possible to gain some of the mutant powers we’re presented with from a genetic mutation? Exactly what DNA sequence would be required to give someone the power to control the weather? Also, instead of using their powers to pound on each other, wouldn’t it be more productive if mutants got together and just solved all problems everywhere?
Sonic the Hedgehog
Certainly not the only one with this problem, but why do some of the characters have completely random accents? The coyote is French, the bunny is southern, are we to believe that this show takes place on Earth in a nightmarish future where anthropomorphic animals walk the earth and are constantly under threat of being turned into robots? Because if so… SIGN ME UP!
Anything with Goofy
I know I’m not the first person to point this out, but Goofy is a dog. He walks around, talks, generally acts like a moron. Pluto is ALSO a dog. He runs around on all fours, chases balls, and acts the way dogs do. THEY ARE BOTH DOGS. Does this mean there are separate categories for every animal, some being like the animals we know in our world, and the rest essentially being human but in an animal’s body (though that doesn’t explain why Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants…)
Alvin And The Chipmunks
If you’re expecting more complaints about not having consistent rules about which animals are anthropomorphic and which aren’t don’t worry. I have a beef with a specific episode of AatC; “Cookie Chomper III”. This is the episode where the chipmunks get a pet kitten, they very quickly grow to love it, and then IT IS KILLED BY A SPEEDING CAR. The Chipmunks all proceed to have existential crisis’ as they learn that, inevitably, we all just rot in the ground. My logical issue with this episode is that someone sat around thinking “It only makes logical sense that children learn about death from Alvin and the Chipmunks. And they learn math from Dragon Ball Z, and about sex from The Transformers!” And then that man was taken to jail.
They are all ducks. Ducks can fly. So why, then, is Launchpad McQuack necessary? Why are they ducks if they can’t fly? You could literally make them an animal, and the show would not change, because they have none of the traits of ducks other than appearance-stuff.
WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?! Why do some come with essentially weapons, why don’t others? Could you just give your Pokemon a gun? Exactly how smart are they? I need rules here, people!
Nothing can care THAT much.
Why can’t I just look back and enjoy things? Let us know in the comments!
If the Mayans were right, we’ve just begun the last month of the world. And if the world is anything like our high school experience, we’re all about to start taking lots of pictures, singing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” and discovering the underrated awesome-but-quirky kid. Here are some other things we expect this pre-doomsday December to bring.
Snooki Will Conceive A Child Without Having Sex
If we’re drawing parallels to Christianity, Snooki is probably the anti-Mary. Therefore, if the the anti-Mary were to immaculately conceive, her child would have to be the anti-Christ. (Note: legitimately “immaculately conceive,” not just black out and deny whatever The Situation claims happened.) (By the way, I’m Jewish and have no idea if this logic tracks.)
Hugh Jackman Will Receive Bad Reviews In The “Les Miserables” Movie
Wolverine hasn’t executed anything poorly in his life. If Les Mis does anything less than smash box office records, we’ll all need to man some real-life barricades… against the zombie revolution!
The President Of Egypt Will Ban “Gangnam Style,” Horsey Dance
We’ve seen what happens when Morsi declares that the Egyptians aren’t allowed to do something. Let’s combine that with our knowledge of what happens when people aren’t allowed to dance, as illustrated by the movie Footloose. If Morsi’s constitutional declarations were to be extended to happy-making Psy songs, nuclear riots won’t be far behind.
Someone In Chicago Will Say It’s “Nice” Out
Global warming will have reached a crisis-level tipping point if Chicago experiences even one December day of tolerable temperatures.
Sales Of The Samsung Galaxy S III Will Outpace Those Of The iPhone 5
The Samsung Galaxy S III outselling the iPhone 5 would definitely portend the end of the world because A) it’s so unlikely given humanity’s ability to reason and B) Apple’s ability to reprogram our brains before they’d allow that to happen. And if Apple loses control of society, chaos reigns.
You’ll Study For Finals In Manageable Increments Starting At The Beginning Of The Month
Because it would be just your luck that you’d rock your finals and then the world ends and your grades don’t end up meaning anything. Let’s face it. You’re not going to responsibly study for finals any more than you’re going to buy into an end-of-the-world prophesy.
What else would you expect to happen in the last month of the world? Let us know in the comments!
What's the deal with the dude in the corner? Pretty funny...but I'm guessing someone out there can make this even funnier. Give us a funny caption for this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 12/3/12 will not be considered. Good luck!
Cell phones are a billion dollar industry – after all, everyone and their mother can’t go five minutes without having to play Words With Friends or drunkenly text their ex-boyfriend. Which is why apps are so huge – without apps, there’d be nothing to do on your phone except...choke...talk to other people. Due to the popularity and money making capabilities of apps, companies of varying levels of quality are scrambling to come up with the next Angry Birds or Battery Stats Plus (my personal favorite, FYI)...the apps on this list, however, aren’t worth your time or skrilla.
Where's My Phone?
This app lets you know where your phone is while you're using it, the default message being, "Your phone is in your hand." According to the app, your phone’s always in your hand. They’re working on an upgrade that will be able to tell when your phone’s on a table; it’s gonna take another 7 months to get that off the ground, though. If you simply must have this app, it’s in your best interest to wait for that.
First: The App
First: The App automatically posts "first" in the comment section of every website on the internet as soon as new content has been posted. While this may seem like a tempting, possibly useful, expenditure of dough, I’m pretty sure it’s not worth it. Why, you ask? 'Cause there is isn't a stupider or more worthless waste of time than posting "first" in the comment section of every website on the internet. That’s why, troll.
As its name would imply, What’s Up? does nothing but ask you "What's up?" It then listens to your response and, regardless of what you tell it, replies, "Cool." It’s similar to IPhone’s Siri, but can only say "what's up?" and "cool," which means there’s no way you can get it to help you with your homework (that is, unless your homework focuses solely on what’s up). If you’re homeschooled, your homework may very well be on the implications of what’s up – for the rest of us, though, this app’s useless.
Its tagline is, “Because you never know...that dude might really be a Nigerian prince.” Basically, all this app does is give your phone a virus. But it is cheap – only $3.98!
What Time is It?
This $4.99 app does one thing, and one thing only: it tells you what time it is. It was manufactured primarily for people so technologically incompetent, they don’t know their phone also functions as a timekeeping piece. As a result, it’s really big amongst the elderly demographic.
How Much Money Did I Spend on this App?
How Much Money Did I Spend on this App?, a.k.a. HMMDISOTA, tells you how much money you spent on it – $9.95, to be exact. If you desire more detailed information, you can sync it with your bank statement – for an additional $9.95 per month, you can watch the app slowly bleed your checking account dry.
Is This Thing On?
This app informs you that yes, your phone is on, 'cause you're using it. It’s from the makers of What Time is It? Like What Time is It?, it’s very popular amongst the elderly demographic – the most popular platform for it is Jitterbug.
MySpace Premium is exactly the same as the preexisting, unpopular, free MySpace app, but it lets you add NINE top friends to your profile. If you’re an Insane Clown Posse fan, it may appeal to you (ICP fans, after all, are the only demographic left on MySpace); if you aren’t a member of the Juggalo nation, however, don’t waste your time.
What’s the stupidest app you’ve ever shelled out cold, hard cash for? Let me know in the comments!
I have been advocating tear gassing Kim Kardashian for the longest time. Or at the very least accusing her of a crime she didn't commit and capturing her and confining her to a CIA secret prison for an indefinite amount of time. Or failing that, at the very least feeding her donuts while she's asleepso she keeps putting on weight and she doesn't know where it's coming from.
Kim Kardashian: Somebody Stop Her.
Actual news organization CNN is reporting that a local Bahrain newspaper is reporting that Kim Kardashian visited Bahrain to promote a chain of Milkshake stores named "Millions of Milkshakes" opening up in the area. What in god's name Kim Kardashian has to do with Milkshakes is beyond me. Oh wait...
Picture above: Kim Kardashian, bringing all the boys to the yard.
The visit brought out quite a few Kim fans. Who are fans of her, I guess, because she... is rich? Seems kind of shallow? Let's Kanye West touch her? I don't know. I really don't understand what exactly she does that creates fans. She doesn't seem to actually do anything. Or maybe these people were just really excited about milkshakes. Milkshakes, unlike Kim Kardashian, have a use.
Regardless, the visit also brought out protesters. About 100 people showed up to protest Kim, at which point, according to the Bahrainian paper, they wer hit with tear gas grenades by police.
A typical Kim Kardashian appearance.
The protesters who showed up were Shi'ites. Shi'ites are a majority in Bahrain but their government is Sunni, and there is a deep divide between the two groups. Shi'ites feel that they are treated as second class citizens despite their majority status in the country, kind of like the way women are treated as second class citizens, basically in the entire world, despite that there are more of them than us. What does Kim Kardashian have to do with that? And why did it inflame Shi'ite muslims for her to visit Bahrain? My guess is that like any thinking citizen, they were just mad that Kim Kardashian exists at all.
One day she will destroy us all.
When Kim Kardashian comes for you in the night what will you do? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out 6 things Kim Kardashian should have put on her wedding registry!
So with all the commotion about a new series of Star Wars movies the internet has promised us four more years of pissed off introverts complaining about their childhood being ruined. First off, if we survived the Karate Kid remake we can survive anything, so rest easy. Second, to be honest, new Star Wars movies produced by Disney sound kind of awesome. And I, @danborrelli, your humble narrator, welcome our new overlords. With that being said, there are a few things I think would add a lot to these new films.
9.A NEW, ORIGINAL, REAL, VILLAIN
Vader was the best and Darth Maul was cool but we need something more current. In the 70s, a shadowy dictator leading a mindless army was a scary thing for most people. But now our world is different, and evil comes in all new shapes and sizes. We need a villain who reflects that. Somebody who is cerebral and hides behind a curtain. Or someone preaching revolution to motivate the uneducated to fight for his cause. Like Bane…or Justin Bieber.
8. WEDGE ANTILLES
What a great character to leave in the series. Obviously it will be hard to keep the main characters around in the next three films because of how recognizable they are. But Wedge is the perfect balance of familiar and unexplored. I could totally see him as the wise, old, uncle-type figure to the next generation of rebel soldiers. Especially if the story turns out to be a resemblance of the Rebel Alliance that has since fallen apart. It would now need to reform to fight off a new threat. Plus Wedge is re-castable. I’m thinking Matt Damon…
7. Jar Jar Binks
Hear me out, hear me out! If there’s an elephant in the room the best thing to do is point that bitch out. We don’t need a whole other racist underwater city subplot. But, we can at least mention the guy in passing. Star Wars is a lot like the Bible, we might not like everything in there, but that doesn’t mean we get to take stuff out. We have to acknowledge that at times the writers had flaws. And Jar Jar Binks is the Leviticus of Star Wars.
6. THE MILLENNIUM FALCON
To me the biggest suspension of disbelief comes with expecting an audience to accept that every animal and alien in this universe has a unique, made-up name, and doesn’t exist in the real world. Yet somehow the one exception is that Falcons exist. Fine. We still need this bad boy. It’s mascot for awesome and it needs to make an appearance.
5. NO NAME ACTORS
Before Mad Men you didn’t know the difference between John Hamm and Christina Hendrix. And before Star Wars Harrison Ford was a carpenter who appeared for a minute in American Graffiti. These sequels will sell themselves, guaranteed. So why not take the opportunity to really dig around and find some unknowns who can really act. Don’t just stick Amanda Seyfried in there cause she’s cute; really find the right fit. Because your not just casting a movie here. You’re casting a movie, video games, action figures, nostalgia…pretty much everything short of a religious figure.
There’s gonna come a point in the series where our hero is going to need help and will have to turn to a powerful yet reluctant race to help save the day. Tolken used talking trees, I think Michael Arndt can do one better. Wookies. What a great way to bring Chewbacca back. We finally get to see where he comes from and what is left of his people. It will be a nice way to include some prequel-like elements to a series taking place in the future.
3. NOT CARRIE FISHER
Just…the photo. Just look at the photo. That is what has become of Princess Lea. And Princess Lea wasn’t the one who decided to spend the 80s putting as many drugs in her system as possible; that was Ms. Fisher. Our beloved characters shouldn’t be punished for the mistakes of our Hollywood socialites. Just kill her off. How much better would an aged Harrison Ford/Han Solo be as a widower? You couldn’t not fall in love with him.
2. CLASSIC LUCAS/CAMPBELL INFLUENCES
So back in the day George Lucas was friends with a guy named Joseph Campbell who wrote a book called The Hero with a Thousand Faces. It was this book that lead to structure of Star Wars. It uses what’s called the “Monomyth” to tell a story, which Campbell took from Greek mythology. While this formula has been used in countless other films, nobody really played with it as well as Lucas did back in the 70s. I think we all really hope that the next set of films can be a new take on this traditional story. Anyway, if you find this interesting there is plenty more out there in the google-verse. Take a look.
Holy Colt 45, Batman! How badass would it be if this nerf herder became the new Obi Wan? I mean think about it. He’s got the experience, integrity, knowledge of the past. Lando would be the perfect character to connect the two time periods. Think about how much you geeked out when you saw Leonard Nimoy walk up to Chris Pine in the last Star Trek. It’ll be that x 10,000 with Lando! Plus, I don’t know about you guys, but I miss me some Billy Dee!
What do you want to see in the new Star Wars films? Let me know in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
Child stars seem like they have it all! But not all of them turn into Drew Barrymore or Scarlett Johannson.Some of them turn out exactly how you might expect a child who's never been told 'No' to turn out. Here's a look at 10 child stars who became messed up adults.
This one totally bums me out. I had a crazy crush on Macaulay when I was a youngin', but now I would probably just crush him. Culkin denies that he has a drug problem, but there's no denying that he does not look well. It's rumored that Mila Kunis dumped him after he refused to go to rehab. I think we can all at least agree that there's something wrong with someone who let's Mila Kunis get away.
When Lindsay Lohan is calling you out on Twitter, you know you have a problem! The ex-Nick star can NOT stop crashing into cars! She denies her latest DUI arrest and claims she is doing 'AMAZING!' Ummmm okay. I know it's wrong but am I the only one who hopes that at her next court appearance someone brings in the dancing lobsters??
Furlong has been plagued by troubles in the last few years. In October he was arrested for domestic abuse, after assaulting his girlfriend. Furlong has battled drug-addiction in the past and has a young son, so I'm hoping the only thing he's terminating these days is a few extra cheeseburgers. Drug-free first. Then we'll work on the smoking and healthy diet.
It takes a lot to out-tabloid the Olsen Twins, but Full House star Jodi Sweetin did just that, when she revealed to the world that she was struggling with an addiction to crystal meth. Even having her first child didn't get her on the straight and narrow. Two children and two marriages later, she seems to finally be clean and sober, which is great! Because I still have a soft spot for the little girl who called Kimmy Gibler a whore.
Taran Noah Smith
Life was a downward spiral for Smith after he married a cougar at the age of 17. Drugs, DUI. Bankruptcy. Yikes! On a side note, remember when everyone had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas? WTF was that about!?!
Going from Justin Timberlake to Kevin Federline is a clear sign that your life is on the wrong track.She seems like she's getting her sh*t together now...still I liked it a lot better when her claim that she wasn't that innocent was more of a shock.
It's never a good sign when the biggest roles you've booked since your Baywatch heyday is in your own sex tape and on Celebrity Rehab. Jackson's drug days appear to be over. Sadly, he has still not recovered from his Ed Hardy addiction.
From Family Matters to porn!?! What is up with former TGIF stars? I have a feeling all the kids on those shows were actually thankful for Friday so they could hit the Hollywood club scene.
This former Zoey 101 star, was arrested for drugs and contributing to the delinquency of a minor, after he was busted for giving pot to and sleeping with an underage girl. Uh dude, just because you were a child star doesn't mean you get to sleep with children...Mmmmkay?
Oh Lilo! No list of child stars gone bad is complete without you. And just when I thought I had seen it all, you go and punch a psychic. How she didn't see that coming, I'll never know! You're Lindsay Lohan, bitch!
Which star are you most surprised turned out so messed up? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
The holiday season without “A Charlie Brown Christmas” would be like Christmas without Santa Claus, Hanukah without candles, and Winter Solstice without people constantly asking why you would celebrate Winter Solstice. But no matter how many times you’ve seen the special, there still might be a few things you don’t know about it…including the fact that it was almost never broadcast.
Charlie Brown’s Little Tree Ended the Aluminum Christmas Craze
It may only have twelve needles and collapse under the weight of a single ornament before the curative properties of Linus’s blanket rescue it, but Charlie Brown’s twig of a tree single-handedly put an end to a horrible new holiday tradition. Starting in the early 60’s—a period not known for the best decorating trends—people were forgoing real Christmas trees for brightly colorful aluminum ones (think a cheerier Festivus with spray paint), as seen in the tree lot in the TV special. But when viewers saw Charlie Brown stand by his little wooden wonder in the face of ridicule and tree’s own fast-impending mortality, they tossed aside their metallic pink decorations and returned to a more natural choice that also involved sweeping up dead needles from the floor every six seconds.
Executives Were Freaked out by Linus’s Speech
One of the most iconic moments in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is when Linus literally takes center stage and tells a distraught Charlie Brown the true meaning of Christmas by reciting from the Gospel of Luke. The scene features no music, no action, and no comedy, just a child quoting from the Bible. And naturally, this caused network executives to lose their collective minds. They argued no one wanted to be reminded of religion during the holidays, people would feel uncomfortable by the message, and everyone would be confused when the speech didn’t end with an anvil falling on Linus’s head like in all good cartoons. But “Peanuts” creator Charles Schulz argued that in a story about a character wanting to know the true meaning of Christmas, not only was some explanation of the holiday needed but also the worst the speech could impart to viewers was the notion not to be fearful or sad. The studio stood their ground…and Schulz walked out of the meeting, with only three months to go before broadcast. And so CBS changed their mind and now every year we get to hear Linus say, “Lights, please.”
The Network Demanded a Laugh Track
Back in the 50s through the 80s, it seemed like every single TV program had a loud, obnoxious laugh track, to the point that you wouldn’t have been surprised to hear a studio audience breaking into hysterics during a laxative commercial. That’s because networks didn’t trust their own shows to be funny enough on their own to merit laughter and sincerely thought viewers needed constant reminders that they were indeed watching a comedy. Therefore CBS insisted “A Charlie Brown Christmas” feature a laugh track as well, all so you could hear “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” when Charlie Brown thinks he killed a tree. But Charles Schulz—who hated the very idea of canned laughs—insisted either people enjoy the special on their own terms or CBS could fill the half hour with a test pattern. Fortunately, he got his way and now no fake audience goes “WOOOOOOOOO!!!” when Charlie Brown looks like he’s on the verge of tears.
There’s a Reason the Characters Speak…in..that…Halting…Fashion
Almost ever single kid cartoon character—then and now—is voiced by adults. Doing so allows producers not only to rely on more experienced actors but also ensures everyone is old enough to actually read the dialogue. But Charles Schulz wanted his TV special to have an element of realism when it came to its kid cast and so insisted all the characters be voiced by actual, age-appropriate children. While some of the young voice actors were professionals, most were neighborhood kids who had never been inside a recording studio before. And in the case of Sally, the little girl playing her was so young she couldn’t read or memorize her lines at all and so had to be fed them, one syllable at a time. These individual syllables were then spliced together in the editing room, resulting the slow, hesitating, almost hypnotic speech pattern for which the cartoon is now famous.
The Famous Soundtrack Was Almost Never Heard
Back in the 60’s cartoons were seen as programs that catered only to kids. And so studio executives surmised that when it came to cartoon soundtracks, viewers wanted to hear loud explosions and silly tunes, not a jazz trio that sounded like the musical entertainment for a museum cocktail party. But Charles Schulz insisted the cartoon have both an air of sophistication and a soundtrack that actually echoed the feeling of childhood, as captured by the famous theme music known officially as “Linus and Lucy,” (allowing for some of the best dance moves ever to be seen on TV). And speaking of music, the budget for the special was so slight that careful viewers will notice a few animated glitches could not be fixed, especially when Schroeder actually stops playing his piano for several seconds while the characters continue to dance as if they were all were all possessed.
Coca-Cola Saved “A Charlie Brown Christmas”
The network hated the idea of a religious message in a Christmas TV special. They hated that the special wasn’t non-stop action interrupted with gales of fake laughter (as if cartoons would actually have a live studio audience). They didn’t like the soundtrack, thought the kid voiceover actors sounded too much like children, and would rather have played a needle scratch than jazz music. Things got so bad that even the special’s producers and Charlie Schulz (not known for having a cheery outlook to begin with) thought the cartoon would be a critical and commercial bomb. In fact, everyone was thinking of simply scrapping the show altogether…except for Cocoa-Cola, who was the special’s main sponsor and was not about to let a half-hour of advertising not make it to air. And so the cartoon was broadcast on December 9, 1965, featuring many nods to its sponsor throughout the cartoon including Linus being flung by Snoopy into a giant sign for the soft drink. The special was a huge success, easily winning its time slot as well as scoring an Emmy. Over the years all of the Coke’s in-show ads have been removed from the cartoon, but the sheer love for—and magic of—the special has never, ever disappeared.
What is the most impressive thing about Jesus' consistently great looking hair? Let us know in the comments below!
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This past weekend we asked you to come up with a funny caption for this group of kids. After thousands of entries, we've unscientifically picked a winner!
So congrats to jonathan.t.chritopher, for coming up with the caption for this picture! So many funny captions this week!!
Guess which one doesn't understand what a suicide pact is.
Thanks for all you funny submissions! Look for another contest later in the week!
University budget cuts are becoming a huge problem — schools around the country are cutting back on teacher's aides, "Welcome Freshman" barbecues, college-ruled notebooks, and even buxom girl sororities!
WHERE are our priorities?
So THANK GOD for Canadian Dalhousie University, which has realized that when you invest in students, you invest in the future. And how, precisely, is Dalhousie investing in its students? Why, they're putting in a puppy room for its student body to enjoy during stressful finals week.
Students who love love LOVE dogs are ten times more likely to be hired
than those with only their GEDs.
The group Therapeutic Paws of Canada, who specialize in providing year-old and people-friendly animals for those with high blood pressure and depression, are running the students' puppy room in an effort to relieve some of the stress of studying for finals. A bunch of breeds are being brought on campus, including a Sheltie, a Papillion, a Golden Retriever, and a Labradoodle. Obviously these are all great breeds, except for that stupid sh*tty labradoodle. Labradoodles are THE worst breed of dog.
EITHER BE A LABRADOR OR BE A POODLE YOU COWARD.
You can tell this is going to be a hugely successful initiative. Students LOVE playing with puppies, and when students are having fun, they tend to do better on their exams — there are almost probably certainly studies that back up that thing I just thought up — and nothing is more fun than puppies. In fact, this is just about the funnest idea a school has ever had! Yes, it's even funner than Anime Club. It's even funner than college-ruled notebooks. Even more than the Greek systems' hazing!
Goooooo Kappa Sigma.
How bad do you want a puppy room in your school? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
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All around the world, children are gleefully slitting the throats of British people. That can mean only one of two things: either Assassin's Creed 3 is a new smash hit game or my mind control is working. Since no one is spooning royal jelly into my mouth right now, it's probably the first one. Oh well, a man can dream! Speaking of dreams, here are the things kids who play Assassin's Creed 3 want to be when they grow up:
Many of the kids who play Assassin's Creed 3 aren't even American. It doesn't matter. Short of the time Ronald Reagan won the Cold War by pinning Gorbachev with the People's Elbow, playing this game is the most American thing anyone has ever done, and doing so will make kids want to shoot people from other countries.
Video Game Designer
"Golly!" say the children, "I sure do love these next-generation weather simulations!" They claw at their screens, full of wonder at the detailed snowflake rendering. Thousands if not millions of tykes will spend years of their lives indoors, getting so good at math that they make even better snowflakes when their time has come. And I say God bless them one and all.
If you are under the age of 45 and your voice already sounds all gravelly and intense, you are probably destined for a life of voice acting. Live it up, Assassin's Creed 3 fans with gravelly voices: one day, you will be paid lots and lots of money to whisper into microphones and not even need to shower because no one can see you. There are few things in this world more beautiful than the wide eyes of a child who has just realized that one day he will come to work in a bathrobe.
There's one in every class! These are the kind of kids who loudly talk about how they believe in something unpopular and start half of their sentences with "ACTUALLY." Let them have their way. They are people too, even though none of them will survive the invasion of Great Britain that America will mount when the kids from #1 turn 18.
Some kids will play Assassin's Creed 3 and think that, instead of growing up to kill and/or entertain one another, they should one day earn a living doing something else. These kids are mysteries, as everybody knows that being famous or killing people are the only things anyone should ever grow up to do. If you come across one of them, try to entertain him. If that doesn't work, you know what you must do.
Would you rather be on a reality show or get paid to kill people different than you? Let us know in the comments!
Man, I am old. And it stinks. Not literally, but in the much worse figurative sense, where I can’t deal with the stench with a simple air freshener. Things change as you get old, and it’s hard to deal with, so that’s why I have come with a HORRIBLE WARNING FROM THE FUTURE! Kids, take heed, because I have compiled for you a list of the Things That Aren’t The Same Once you Become An Adult:
Life being as dull as it is, by the time you become an adult you have consumed hours and hours of both film and television. And after watching that much of the stuff, you will come to the same conclusion as everyone else: SEEN IT! It’s depressing to come to the conclusion that there are only so many stories to tell, and you will been told all of them by some bad CBS-cop procedural.
Oh, you thought it was hard when your disappointment came from not getting what you want on Christmas? It’s a lot worse when your disappointment comes from discovering you’re probably going to go bankrupt from all the gifts you had to buy for your myriad of unappreciative nieces and nephews (or, God forbid, your own horrible children).
I know sports always carry a risk when you play them, but playing sports as a grown man who doesn’t have to play mandatory sports once a day carries a MUCH higher risk of injury. One time I hurt myself stretching. Yes, I hurt myself doing the activity you do to stop yourself from getting hurt. Super smooth.
Birthdays are a big deal when you’re a kid. Presents, cake, mandatory attention from your friends. And a lot of people continue to demand that kind of attention into adulthood, and they often still get it. But here’s where the change is: Everyone resents you, on a deep true level, for making them pretend to care about something literally every single person celebrates. You didn’t die for a year! Congratulations, you achieved the same goal as everyone else who is not dead right now.
Oh, is the weather great outside? Well, that’s of no benefit to you, because you’re stuck inside at your crappy job.
Growing up, you’re two types of kids: 1. The kid who can eat anything and put on no weight, or 2. The kid who is big and everyone always makes them feel bad about it because people don’t understand nutrition and genetics. Bad news for both of you! Kid 1. You will lose your metabolism and discover that you can now very quickly put on weight, and on the weirdest parts of your body. Kid 2. You will have such lifelong food issues you will never enjoy it again. Woo-Hoo!
Remember how great it was as a kid to just stop, do nothing, and chill out? When you become an adult, any joy from no activity goes right out the window. There’s too much to do, you have to live your life, where did these extra fifteen pounds come from AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Why can’t I just look back and enjoy things? Let us know in the comments!
They devastate cities. They destroy millions of lives. Then they save the day. Meet the horrible people who had a change of heart—or whose heart grew three sizes—just in time. (Note: It goes without saying but we’ll say it anyway—SPOILERS AHEAD.)
Darth Vader (“Star Wars”)
Sure, he killed Luke Skywalker’s beloved mentor Ben Kenobi. Sure, his interrogation techniques led to the detonation of Princess Leia’s entire planet. Sure, he probably routinely kicked puppy butts whenever he walked down the street to pick up his morning coffee. But he did the right thing when it really counted—the third act of “Episode VI”—hurling the evil Emperor Palpatine to his death just in time to save his son and the galaxy, a noble gesture for which he was unfortunately rewarded by having to return as the ghost of Hayden Christensen at the end.
T-101 (“Terminator 2: Judgment Day”)
In the first “Terminator” film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a cyborg assassin from a future in which machines rule sent back to present day (okay, 1984) to kill the mother of humanity’s eventual resistance leader. But in the sequel, Arnold’s T-101 returns reprogrammed to both save the mom and her son John Connor from the even more evil and advanced T-1000 robot. Of course, this could have been followed by the reprogrammed T-1000 returning to save mankind from the far more threatening T-10,000, a giant robot made up of smaller robots piloted by even smaller robots who each have a robot sidekick. Then in the fourth film that reprogrammed robot could have become a good guy to save everybody from what would essentially be the Death Star with feet, allowing for one of the greatest and most confusing movie franchise crossovers ever.
Predator (“Alien Vs. Predator”)
Predators love to hunt. In fact, it’s all they seem to love to do, indicating that their planet’s brunches and book clubs probably all end with someone getting a spear in the eye. So when a team of archeologists accidentally unearth alien eggs below Antarctica, the galactic hunters arrive and start killing EVERYBODY to get to the fast-growing and multiplying aliens (and probably earn a merit badge along the way). Eventually, only a single human and Predator are left to form an alliance and defeat the attacking aliens and their queen. The Predator dies from his wounds but his arriving comrades award the human with one of their spear weapons in recognition of her bravery as a soldier. She then uses this spear to go on a massive hunting rampage on Earth. Or not. I never saw the sequel.
Doctor Octopus (“Spider-Man 2”)
Like a lot of villains, Doctor Octavius started out as a good man who became consumed with evil after he lost the love of his life, lost the one thing he had worked his entire life to build, and lost his security deposit after accidentally blowing up his lab/apartment. And so with mechanical tentacles now fused to his spine (a mid-2000 fashion trend that thankfully did not catch on), the newly named “Doctor Octopus” goes on a rampage to complete his project—a fusion reactor—by any means possible. But when it looks like the reactor may destroy Manhattan, Dock Ock finds the goodness still within him to drown both the device and himself in the Hudson River, a noble gesture that in reality still would have blown NYC sky-high but, hey, kudos for trying.
A villain who didn’t so much want to rule the world as just have a superhero to fight/play with, Megamind becomes bored and unhappy shortly after believing he killed longtime foe/good guy Metro Man. So rather than moving to Metropolis or Gotham City to find some other deranged caped loner to do battle with, Megamind instead decides to create his own hero/nemesis using Metro Man’s DNA. But the new hero is quickly consumed with power and jealousy and soon becomes the ultimate villain, leaving Megamind with two choices—either save the day or get the hell out of town and start a new life as a frightening children’s party clown. In the end he does the right thing and becomes Metro City’s newest hero, allowing him to still wear a costume, which is all he really ever wanted in the first place.
Old Man Marley (“Home Alone”)
It being the holiday season, it’s only right that we focus both on a Christmas movie and the one villain who never was a bad guy in the first place. For years, little Kevin had heard stories of how his elderly old neighbor “Old Man” Marley had killed his entire family. But it turns out Marley was just a lonely grandfather who eventually saves Kevin’s life with a well-placed shovel smack upside the “Wet Bandits” heads. And so we all learn several valuable lessons in the end: You should never judged a book by its cover, you should never be unkind to the elderly, and you should never try to foil two home invaders with Hot Wheels cars and paint cans unless you have a back-up plan.
Would you rather be a hero or a villain? Let me know in the comments below!
Massive snowball fights might be one of the most fun things you can do when everything is covered in snow. I don't know why it's so fun. It's probably some sort of basic primal instinct thing. The only thing better than being in a snowball fight is winning a snowball fight. It gives you ultimate bragging rights among your friends. Seriously though, don't make ice balls. Anyone that makes ice balls deserves to get encased in snow for a thousand years. Here are tips on how to win a snowball fight.
Get To Higher Ground
This is the most basic war strategy you could possibly use, but sometimes you just don't think of the obvious. It gives you both an offensive and defensive advantage. Snowballs are going to fly downhill way easier than they fly uphill. Plus, if you make a crazy giant snowball, you can roll it downhill all Indiana Jones style and knock everyone out like bowling pins.
Flank The Enemy
There is nothing more satisfying than taking someone by complete surprise. You should be familiar with this if you've ever read a book on military strategy or played any first person shooter. If you can manage it, get a few of your people to sneak off and come up behind the enemy. No one can handle a surprise like that. Demand their surrender and if they don't give up, unleash a barrage of snow.
Have One Person Dress As A Yeti
Do you think anyone wants to mess with a Yeti? Of course not. If I learned one thing from Star Wars, it was, "Let the Wookie win." The opposition will start purposely missing their shots just so they don't make the abominable snowman mad. I'm sure they really like having arms.
Have A Snowball Maker
You're never going to win any snowball fight if you run out of ammunition. Back in the long, long ago, it took like seven dudes to operate a cannon. If you designate one person to only make snowballs, you'll have basically an unlimited supply of snowballs. Just make be cool and trade out on who has to make them. Nobody wants to get stuck on snowball making duty the whole time.
Dig A Series Of Tunnels
This one might be kind of hard to do during winter considering how hard the ground will be. You need to take care of this one during the summer. Hire a construction crew to dig and build a bunch of awesome tunnels all over your neighborhood. You'll be able to move around so fast and so stealthily that everyone else is going to think that you're some kind of super ninja.
Create A Snow Castle
There's a reason that people build massive fortifications during a battle. They work. Just make sure you have plenty on snow for snowballs or that snow castle is going to turn in to your snow Alamo. Remember the Alamo? You definitely don't want to end up like the Alamo.
Infiltrate The Enemy Base With A Spy
History is written by the victors. What one side would call a spy, the other side would call a hero. It's pretty easy to hire a spy for a snowball fight. Just offer them from pizza for a month. Anyone can be bought with pizza. This person can text you their plans and then when the time is right, take them down from the inside. Be careful though. If they can be bought by pizza then the other side might make a better offer. You don't want to hire a double agent or your plan will backfire and you'll still be out the pizza. To the victor goes the pizza.
Build A Trebuchet
You may think it's a little weird that I'm suggesting that you build a French siege weapon from the Middle Ages. A trebuchet is going to be one of the best ways to move a massive amount of snow through the air. These things can hurl flaming pianos. I think one could handle some snow. The best thing about using a trebuchet is that you all get to quote the French soldiers from Monty Python and the Holy Grail while totally kicking some ass.
Recruit Glaceon On Your Team
This is a no brainer for people that don't live in snowy areas. Get Glaceon to make a blizzard in your backyard. You'll win every snowball fight since no one else will have any snow.
This is what I like to call the nuclear option. Use some below food coloring to make your snowballs look like someone couldn't hold it in any longer. Once the yellow snowballs start flying anyone in their right mind will surrender. This could backfire if your opponent isn't in their right mind. They might start throwing yellow snowballs back and they probably didn't think to bring any food coloring.
How do you plan on winning your next snowball fight? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Have you ever said to yourself? "Hey, it would be great if school was 300 hours longer?" Well if you live in Colorado, Connecticut, Massachussetts, New York, Tennessee your dream has come true!
Excited students smile about how much more fun they have at school.
The CS Monitor is reporting that a large scale government program is being implemented to add 300 hours to the school year in each of the states in an attempt to catch American students up to students in other nations educationally.
The country where this happens is one of the countries we are behind.
The extra hours sound likely to include an increased emphasis on art, music, and other creative outlets. As well, they are intended to allow students to explore specific subjects they are interested in on a more individual basis. Which is honestly pretty f*cking rad. When I went to high school I didn't get to do that. I had to take religion class and get told God hates condoms.
Pictured Above: God pointing angrily at condoms.
Not everyone agrees that longer hours schools are the key to increased student performance. They site evidence including the fact that South Korea and Finland, countries that have less student hours than the United States outperform us. Regardless of that, any program that includes more of an emphasis on the arts and student's individual interests sounds like a good idea to me.
This is my individual interest
What is your worst experience with a teacher? Let us know in the comments below!
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The difference between a Christmas episode of a sitcom and a regular episode of a sitcom is that after the Christmas episode delivers the trite little lesson it does every week, it follows it by saying that THAT particular lesson is, in fact, the true meaning of Christmas. But here's the thing — EVERY sitcom has a different definition of the true meaning of Christmas. So what is the TRUE meaning of Christmas then? So instead of writing from the heart or some other such garbage about what I think is the true meaning of Christmas, I'm going to simply present what TV sitcoms have, over the years, told me is the true meaning of Christmas, and let you, THE READER, decide for yourself!
In Community's first Christmas episode, we learn that EVERY character belongs to a different religion, but ultimately spend the holidays together anyway because the TRUE meaning of Christmas is love and acceptance. Sure, it's a trite, stock Christmas lesson but for the love of Christ Community's next Christmas episode was goddamn claymation, okay? You don't get mad at a baby for wobbling a bit during its first steps, do you? You would only do that if you were a TERRIBLE person, at which point the first Community Christmas episode's lesson will seem novel to you.
I honest to God tried to watch Alf's Unforgettable Christmas or whatever on Hulu, but when it opened up with the saddest, laziest "Alf eats cats remember" joke, I shut it off and went to spend time with my family. So I guess the lesson I took from Alf is that the true meaning of Christmas is self-esteem.
The true meaning of Christmas, according to Family Guy, is that the SPECIFIC gift doesn't matter, what matters is that it comes from the heart. Although, there was a lot going on in the Christmas episode of Family Guy. The other true meaning of Christmas is that characters from old, happy TV shows get angry at other characters from old, happy TV shows. Also the true meaning of Christmas is that sometimes something mundane, like falling and hurting your leg, happens for a really long time and what, is it supposed to be funny?
Hold on, was this even the CHRISTMAS episode of Family Guy? No? They just did a Christmas JOKE? Why? It had NOTHING to do with the story.
The Big Bang Theory
The meaning of Christmas is that you're a terrible person who deserves to be mocked for loving science and comic books. I mean, that's not what the CHARACTERS on Big Bang Theory learned, it's what I learned from WATCHING The Big Bang Theory.
Hey, other nerds who watch The Big Bang Theory? You know it has an INCREDIBLE amount of disdain for you, right?
Remember that episode where a boat came to rescue the guys on the Island and Desmond lost his memory? Well, when they got on that boat, they looked at the calendar and noticed it was December 24th. Christmas Eve. So I guess, according to Lost, the true meaning of Christmas is that you're Desmond and you're stuck on an Island and you're friends with Sayid.
On the Christmas episode of Happy Days, Richie and his dad see Fonzie alone in front of a stupid garbage Christmas tree cooking canned ravioli for one. It's an incredibly sad scene, and when Richie invites Fonzie over for the holidays, their friendship is cemented forever. So I suppose, to Happy Days, the true meaning of Christmas is that people who are cool deserve our love. Because really, if Richie and his dad had seen Ralph Mouth eating ravioli by himself on Christmas they would have thrown garbage and rocks at him until he died.
What's your favorite TV explanation of the true meaning of Christmas? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Don't get me wrong...I think Taylor Swift is super pretty, but is a relationship with her really worth it? In all likelihood you will be the subject of a piece of crap country-pop song when you inevitably break-up. I mean it kind of makes sense if you're like a back-up dancer on tour with her or a some no name co-star in one of her music videos, but WHY would you date her if you are famous yourself and can probably get any girl, famous or not, in the world? Here's look at 7 dudes who should have known better!
Why he should have known better: Directioner rage.
One Direction has a rabid fanbase. They make Beliebers and Twihards look reasonable and sane, well maybe not Twihards, but I digress. It is for sure in One Direction's contract with Satan and Simon Cowell that the boys must appear attainable to the teen masses that dream of slipping them their v-cards. As the Twitter masses have already pointed out, WRONG DIRECTION Harry! My personal fave Directioner tweet goes to the lovely lady who said this: 'I wasn't going to be rude and say hateful things but..Taylor Swift..you're a whore.' Directioners can get cray cray, yo!
Why he should have known better: He owns a mirror
WHY?? Gyllenhaal can get any chick he wants. He's hot, he's extremely good-looking and he's also bow chicka wow wow. Instead all he got was to be the inspiration for the year's worst song, We are Never Ever Getting Back Together . Jake needs to write a song called Um Okay, That's What I Told You When I Dumped You Via Text. Or something snappier.
Why he should have known better: Marilyn Monroe
Kennedys and famous blondes are just never a good mix. Another bad mix is those bikini bottoms and any person in the world.
Why he should have known better: Taylor didn't wear a purity ring
Jonas was a famous virgin when they were together. Swift is a famous needy girl. This is a bad combination because a guy's lack of interest in nookie with a needy girl sends them into a downward spiral of despair. It's not you needy girl! It's religious conviction! Actually it was you, because Jonas is now with actress Ashley Greene and he no longer wears his purity ring. SNAP!
Why he should have known better: Rachel Berry
This one was totally life imitating art, because Rachel Berry is the Taylor Swift of Glee. So how Monteith could be around that character all day and not pick up on the warning signs of someone desperate for a boyfriend, I don't know. But maybe he's into that sort of thing, because now he's with Lea Michele who I pretty much think plays herself on Glee. Which is why it's so awkward when she tries to do Maxim Magazine-style photoshoots. Put your sexless cardigan and pleated skirt back on, young lady!
Why he should have known better: History of dating needy stars.
How do you date Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston and not learn to recognize a girl desperate to find true love at all costs when you see one? The best part of this relationship was when John cried like a baby and accused Swift of being mean after Taylor called him out in her song Dear John. That's the douche kettle calling the douche pot black....amirite?
Why he should have known better: Bella Swan
Part of me wants to say he should have know better because, hello? When it comes to a girl acting like the feminist movement never happened only Bella Swan can outdo Taylor Swift. But then the other part of me says...he's Taylor Lautner, not exactly known for being a deep thinker. Also Taylor and Taylor? They probably thought that was sooooo cute. It makes me wanna stab a pillow.
Which guy do you think is the stupidest? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Our iPhones have become such a part of us, we develop habits around them in the same way that we pick our cuticles or touch our between-nose-and-lip area to our nose (anyone?). But unlike regular habits that are just not-great, iPhone habits, if left unchecked, can be bad for our health or even fatal. Here are some smart phone compulsions that have probably snuck up on you.
Putting Your Phone Down In Public Bathrooms
I get it. You need to go to the bathroom, and you need to put your phone down in order to do so. Maybe you hung your purse out of reach. Maybe you don’t have a purse or pockets or a nerdy phone clip. The only remaining option appears to be to place your iPhone on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Resist! You’ll either leave it there or get a bacterial infection in your cheek.
Pressing The Mail App While Waiting In Line To Buy Food
Waiting in line can be boring, and as humans of the 21st century, we feel entitled to a boredom-free life. The obvious solution to the lunchtime doldrums? Check your email while you’re waiting to order. How efficient! But such actions come at a price; you're inevitably going to open a new piece of mail just as the cashier asks what you want to eat. The promise of sustenance will prompt you to put your iPhone aside, since imminent food consumption is the opposite of boring. You’ll then forget about the message you had been reading at the time, it’ll be marked as “read” even though it won’t have been read, and you’ll forget to respond. Now someone out there hates you.
Using It Before You Eat Breakfast
If you’re one of those bedside-table chargers, you’re in trouble (and not just because you’re probably cancering yourself on a nightly basis). Upon hearing the morning alarm clock, it’s way too easy to reach for your phone to turn it off… and then not put the phone down for another hour. You’ll spiral down a rabbit hole of, “I should check Reddit before I get out of bed!” and everything will take twice as long to read on your phone than if you had gotten up and, say, opened your desktop screen. Now you’re late for work and you’re gonna get fired and have to live on the streets turning tricks for outlet access.
Trigger Finger Social Media’ing
Once you start thinking your thoughts in terms of concisely phrased Tweets, it’s all over. You’re going to want to start Instagramming every cup of coffee, tagging people on Facebook every time you have a conversation, and checking in on Foursquare when you change rooms in your home. If you didn’t broadcast that you finished the paper by staying up ALL night chuggin Red Bull & Diet Coke w/Lime, then it didn’t happen, and you’ll flunk out of school. You’ll also successfully alienate everyone who’s ever fleetingly had an interest in what’s going on in your life.
Texting While… Anything
We all know we’re not supposed to text and drive. However, the campaign should really be about the danger that arises from texting and doing anything other than sitting in a chair. If you’re texting and walking, you’ll bump into people carrying hot coffee. If you’re texting and shaving, you’ll cut yourself. If you’re texting and babysitting, you’ll drop the baby. And if nothing happens in the physical realm, you’ll look up for a second and accidentally send the F-word to your mom. Now you’re scalded, facing criminal charges for the baby-dropping incident, and possibly disowned.
Forgetting How Much You Paid For It
If we at all were able to retain that feeling we had upon seeing our bank accounts dwindle post-iPhone purchase, not a person among us would drop his/her phone. Ever. But somehow, I’m always encountering friends with cracked screens, friends posting about how they dropped their phone in the toilet, and friends who go case-less because it looks prettier. There should be an app that just intermittently announces, “You paid 500 bucks this! You paid 500 bucks for this!” all day. Over the course of your lifetime, you’ll probably spend a zillion dollars replacing your Apple products. That’s like, indentured servant money. Think about that next time you hold your phone with anything less than reverence.
What other iPhone habits might ruin your life? Let us know in the comments!
At the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, a student named Lauren Adkins is about to be made an honest woman. She has an engagement ring, a cake, and a planned ceremony all in celebration of her upcoming commitment to, well, an Edward Cullen cardboard cutout.
And that is weird. That is a weird thing to do. It's so weird that it's making ME weird. Like, I can NOT stop thinking about their sex life, even knowing that those thoughts are weird.
I'm not even aroused. I'm just FASCINATED.
I mean, I understand this conceptually. Adkins loves Twilight, and the logical extension of love is to get married. Haven't you ever used marriage to hyperbolically declare your love for something in pop culture? "I love this (burrito/ video game/ TV show) so much I'm going to marry it." Ultimately, I have to thank Chipotle burritos, the first Bioshock, and the second season of Community for not calling my bluff.
"I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough
for you," the second season of Community told me as I left, fighting back tears.
Thankfully, Adkins isn't really in love with her cardboard Cullen. The marriage is an art project, working to point out the falsity of not only Twilight but also Las Vegas itself. The idea is that there's a lie at their cores, with Twilight telling us that we must seek a perfect man — a man who does not and could not exist — and Las Vegas telling us we must seek easily-attained wealth.
PICTURED: The only way to be happy.
This project has made me wonder — is marrying a cardboard cutout really THAT different than crying through a YouTube video about Kristen Stewart cheating? Or getting a tattoo? Or beating up non-Twilight fans? Maybe the value of this project will be in leading other Twilight fans to question their own level of obsession. This sort of self-reflexive questioning may, of course, be easier for some than others.
This woman literally survives by eating a New Moon poster every three days.
What pop culture merchandise are you going to marry? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 7 Hints Robert Pattinson Hates Twilight!