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Articles on this Page
- 11/26/12--12:30: _What That Old Man W...
- 11/26/12--14:33: _10 MORE Pairs Of Ce...
- 11/26/12--17:12: _What My Grandpa, Wh...
- 11/27/12--11:11: _Kid From Two And A ...
- 11/27/12--12:20: _The Most Unusual Th...
- 11/27/12--12:26: _9 Movie Franchises ...
- 11/27/12--12:44: _10 Most Traumatizin...
- 11/27/12--15:54: _6 Least Successful ...
- 11/27/12--17:48: _22 Kids With Booze
- 11/28/12--11:14: _Parents Name Their ...
- 11/28/12--12:40: _The 12 Best ANTI Ch...
- 11/28/12--14:04: _10 Badass Nerdy Sup...
- 11/28/12--15:20: _The 8 Types Of Inst...
- 11/28/12--17:47: _If 6 Dangerous Sea ...
- 11/29/12--11:20: _More Facebook Frien...
- 11/29/12--14:42: _10 People You Shoul...
- 11/29/12--15:52: _The All-Time Best S...
- 11/29/12--17:56: _Professional Snuggl...
- 11/30/12--10:13: _Woman Captures Thie...
- 11/30/12--13:47: _6 Things You Didn't...
- 11/26/12--12:30: What That Old Man With the iPad Does On His iPad
- 11/26/12--14:33: 10 MORE Pairs Of Celebrities That Are Surprisingly The Same Age
- 11/26/12--17:12: What My Grandpa, Who Loved the Wii, Thinks of the Wii U
- 11/27/12--11:11: Kid From Two And A Half Men Calls Two And A Half Men EVIL
- 11/27/12--12:20: The Most Unusual Things You Can Buy At A Rite Aid
- 11/27/12--12:26: 9 Movie Franchises That Disney Should Buy
- 11/27/12--12:44: 10 Most Traumatizing Pet Deaths In Pop Culture
- 11/27/12--15:54: 6 Least Successful Diagon Alley Shops
- 11/27/12--17:48: 22 Kids With Booze
- 11/28/12--11:14: Parents Name Their Daughter 'Hashtag'?
- 11/28/12--12:40: The 12 Best ANTI Christmas Films
- 11/28/12--14:04: 10 Badass Nerdy Superheroes
- 11/28/12--15:20: The 8 Types Of Instagram Photos
- 11/28/12--17:47: If 6 Dangerous Sea Creatures Lived in Bikini Bottom
- 11/29/12--11:20: More Facebook Friends Lead to More Stress?
- 11/29/12--14:42: 10 People You Should Unfriend On Facebook
- 11/29/12--15:52: The All-Time Best Super Mario Levels!
- 11/29/12--17:56: Professional Snuggler Gets Paid to Take Naps with Strangers?
- 11/30/12--13:47: 6 Things You Didn't Know About Santa Claus
He’s at the airport, waiting for his flight to Duluth. He’s at the mall, surrounded by someone else’s shopping bags. He’s at McDonald’s, creepin’ on their free wifi. He’s an old man. And he’s got an iPad. Why the hell does he have an iPad? What the hell does he do with it? Allow me to explain.
Erased in Error
He accidentally deletes emails from his grandchildren and gets violently, irrationally upset as a result – he’s broken the screen of his iPad so many times, he’s on a first-name basis with the "Geniuses" at the Apple Store. (His first name’s Gary, in case you were wondering.)
Solitaire's Just Another Word for Alone
He plays solitaire. All day, every day. No Minesweeper, no chess, no Bejeweled Blitz – just solitaire. He bought a $500 piece of electronic equipment solely for the purposes of playing solitaire. (WHY I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE: My very own grandmother owns an iPad solely for the purposes of playing solitare. I could have purchased 100 Hot-N-Ready pizzas with all that wasted dough.)
He takes dozens of self-portraits of himself making annoying-ass duck faces in Apple Photo Booth, then uploads said portraits to his Myspace profile. Why Myspace, you ask? ‘Cause he stopped paying attention to pop culture around 2009, but still desperately wants to appear relevant. So his grandkids will respect him.
He watches old man porn, a.k.a. PBS documentaries about "The Greatest Generation," The Great Depression, and old-timey candy. Which, I guess, is better than watching real porn in public. But infinitely less exciting for all parties involved.
He looks up directions to the local bingo hall, then promptly drives his 1985 Buick Regal to said bingo hall (in spite of the fact that his cataracts are getting worse and he really shouldn’t be driving anywhere). It makes sense – he bought the iPad with his mad bingo winnings, after all.
He Googles heartbreaking questions like "Why don't my grandchildren call me?" and “Is Dolores looking down on me from Heaven?”, then stares out the window until the sun goes down. Afterwards, he makes himself some condensed soup. In the microwave.
Old Man, Young Pets
He watches videos of kittens and puppies frolicking and regrets never giving his children the love and support they truly needed. Denise? He’s sorry, Denise. If he could take it all back, he would.
He clicks every single pop-up ad he sees because he thinks that's how you crazy kids play Angry Birds. That is how you crazy kids play Angry Birds, right?
What are YOU gonna busy yourself with when you’re old as hell? Let us know in the comments!
There are lots of ways celebrities can surprise us. Shockingly dumb tweets. Unexpected pregnancies and hook-ups. Doing something charitable even though they aren't promoting their latest project. But sometimes it's as simple as finding out how old they really are. Because we care deeply about celebrities and we should know all of their basic stats. Here's a look at 10 pairs of celebrities who are surprisingly the same age.
T-Pain and Ashley Tisdale-27
I'm thinking that their age is the only thing they have in common. Well that and autotune. I can't really picture Tisdale ever posing for a mugshot, even though it does seem like it's becoming an ex-Disney star tradition. But as the Biebs always says, never say never!
Lindsay Lohan and Ellen Page-26
Page can still play a teenager. Lohan is currently starring in a movie where she plays someone 50 years old. Mmmmkay. If Lohan had starred in Juno the characters would have been stunned that she could even get pregnant while approaching menopause.
Chris Brown and Daniel Radcliffe-23
Hey even Chris Brown said just this week that he looks 'old as f**k.' I guess having rage issues isn't great for one's complexion. Harry Potter money however seems to do wonders for the skin!
Fergie and Amy Adams-37
Poor Fergie! If you're gonna be famous for peeing on yourself and making bad music, you'd think the universe would at least not make you look so busted. Amy's biggest looks dilemma is being mistaken for Isla Fisher. Poor thing...NOT!
Khloe Kardashian and Avril Lavigne-28
Avril still looks like she's 15, while Khloe kind of looks like she's one divorce away from starring on The Real Housewives Of Calabasas. Avril must also have the mind of a 15 year old, because only a stubborn teen would remain engaged to Chad Kroeger despite the whole world being against it.
Robert Pattinson and Drake and Josh-26
I don't know why...but this one just freaks me out. Like not as much as Josh's crazy WHA????transformation, but still! There's just something that doesn't seem right about this. Maybe because it makes us realize that we're all getting old and are gonna die soon. Happy Monday!
Aaron Carter and Zac Efron-25
I mean clearly they both love hair gel...but that seems to be the only thing similar about them. On a side note, isn't it HIGH-larious to think back and remember how Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff were once fighting over Aaron Carter?? My how things have changed...oh crap... feeling old again.
Rihanna and Haley Joel Osment-24
It's almost weird that these two people even exist in the same universe together. They should marry and have a baby, because I totally wanna see what that thing would look like.
Miranda Cosgrove and Ali Lohan-19
Did all the Lohans get hit with the old stick?? If so, is there a video of that old stick beating that someone could please load to YouTube? I wanna watch the crap out of that!
Which did you find most surprising? Let me know @ desijedeikin or in the comments below!
In 2006, those of us who bought the Nintendo Wii to play Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess were shocked to find the console was loved by EVERYONE in the family. Here's a picture of my grandparents, playing Wii Sports, just a few weeks before my grandma passed away.
Her heart burst when she Wii-bowled a 300.
Now, my grandpa told me he continues to play the Wii to this day, over six years later. So with the recent release of the Wii's successor, the Wii U, I wanted to see how a seasoned elderly gamer would like the new console. Here's what happened when my grandpa tried out the Wii U.
Creating a Mii
Next, my grandpa was instructed to create a Mii. I don't think he ever got around to doing this on the old Wii, so this was the first time he was confronted by the illustrations of seemingly-Japanese men. These immediately put him on edge. At first I thoguht it was because my grandpa's a World War 2 vet, but it turns out, he's just racist. But you can't get mad at an old man for being racist any more than you can get mad at the sun for shinging, a bird for singing, or a baby for being racist.
Getting into the Miiverse plaza
Once I created a Mii for him really quick, my grandpa found himself in the middle of the Miiverse plaza. this is the early menu where all the Miis of your online friends congregate before you enter a game. The big bubbly heads made the Miis look, to my grandpa's aging eyes, like children. And whenever my grandpa sees a large group of children assembling he assumes they're protesting something. Seriously, we walked past an elementary school the other day and he couldn't grasp the fact that the children playing tetherball couldn't debate him on the ethicacies of the Vietnam war.
We finally got into Nintendoland, the Wii U's pack-in game. Since he really just palyed Wii Sports on the Wii, I assumed Nintendoland would be the extent of his Wii U experience. But even that turned out to be too much for him. That f*ckin' game opens by teaching you how to MOVE with the left stick and CONTROL THE CAMERA with the right stick! Can you imagine a man learning how to CONTROL A CAMERA with a joystick at eighty six years of age?! You might as well ask a bumblebee to write a college thesis.
Breaking everything, including the original Wii
Clearly, the Wii U is not the simple, intuitive experience the Wii was. EVERY aspect of using this new console frustrated my grandpa, to the point where he decided he was going to DESTROY not only the Wii U but the old Wii itself. He went out to his tool shed, and after coming back in and asking me what he was looking for out in the tool shed again, he returned with a hammer and destroyed not only the Wii U but the old Wii as well. And when I say "he destroed them" I mean he feebly tapped them with the hammer before handing it to me and saying I needed to "finish the job" while he took a nap.
Going out for ice cream
Since this Wii U experience had so angrered my grandpa, I took him out for some ice cream, because literally nothing settles down an old person like ice cream. While we were out, he told me that he really wasn't angey about the Wii U, he was angry because playing the Wii U reminded him of the time he spent playing the Wii with the woman he'd loved. It reminded him of how much he missed her. So then, instead of listening to my grandpa's thoughts on how this new generation of consle held up to the old one, I listened to him tell me about my grandma. His wife. How she used to write notes in the margins of all her books. How he still finds her thoughts whenever he reads. How they were so poor she could only make hot cocoa and toast for dinner, and how even when they were stable, they'd still have it for dinner on Sunday nights. And how she used to giggle when she'd beat him in Wii Tennis.
I did have to leave when he started talking about their sex life though. I don't know my grandpa is able to get home on his own, and frankly I don't care.
What do you think your grandparents are going to think of the Wii U? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
I have been calling Two and a Half Men evil even before it was cool to call Two and a Half Men evil. So, Angus T. Jones, don't go getting a big head because you think you're the first one to do it.
"Rejoice with trembling, all, and serve the Lord with fear, For His day will come and the rain will be of spears."
Yes, the Daily News is reporting that Angus T. Jones, the kid from Two And A Half Men has told media outlets "If you watch 'Two and a Half Men,' please stop watching 'Two and a Half Men.' I'm on 'Two and a Half Men,’ and I don't want to be on it." Unfortunately for him his contract has him on the show for another year. So Two and a Half Men has sort of kidnapped Angus T. Jones.
The cage where Angus T. Jones is kept on the set of Two And A Half Men. Sometimes, if he's been good, they throw him old meat.
“Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth,” Jones said of the show. Jones attends a church called the "Voice Of Prophecy Seventh Day Adventist," which is about as scary as a church name can get. That takes third place behind, "Our Lady Of Eating Your Family Members Without Remorse," and, "God's Open Hand Slams Down To Crush Us All Presbyterian."
A typical day at church for Angus T. Jones
Jones has gotten more and more fervently religious over the years, and has taken to calling Two And A Half Men part of, "the plan of the enemy." Jones probably means Satan. But I've talked to Satan plenty and I can tell Jones firsthand that Satan hates Two And A Half Men. Satan however, is really into "The Wire," although that's not a part of his plan or anything, he just thinks McNulty has a lot of charisma.
First I lull them to sleep with Two And A Half Men, then I take OVER THE WORLD
Why do you think Satan loves Two and a Half Men so much? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out Celebrities That Have Probably Made Deals With The Devil!
Sometimes you wander into a pharmacy to buy a drink and then remember that there's something else you were planning to pick up but you have no idea what. You have entered the Rite Aid Zone and there is no going back. Perhaps you will uncover one of these, the most unusual items you can buy in a Rite Aid:
A Rusty Old Trash Can Full Of Lice Eggs
You thought ditching the sheet metal and hitting up the junkyard section of Rite Aid like you used to would recapture what made you a premier 3D collage artist, but all you got was prescription shampoo and stern warnings from boring people.
A Handful Of Baby Snakes
You just wanted a pal who could lend your trailer a certain menace that anyone could identify as the musk of a man who owns a snake and is not to be trifled with. Rite Aid only has these cute little fellas by the handful. When you hold them in your hands and realize you want to snuggle them and protect them from this dangerous world, Rite Aid is telling you that maybe you were going about the business of buying a snake all wrong before.
An Attractive Body For You
Maybe it's the kind of body you wish you walked around in all day so that people would view you with awed terror. "Is that (your name)? My god, (he/she) is so attractive I must pull off all my skin and lay it at (his/her) feet to declare my unworthiness!" Maybe it's just a body you want to have sex with. Rite Aid's got 'em by the bushel, and they aren't really worth it, because buying one awakens you to the emptiness inside yourself. (Also they have gross fingernails.)
A Very Tiny Leaf
Every relationship you've ever been in has ended because of differences you and your partner have had over interior decorating. Sometimes it's the restaurant you went to on your first date and sometimes it's the living room of the home you bought together and planned to one day raise your kids in, but everything can be traced back to your uncompromising attitude towards daintiness. Nothing is ever dainty enough for you-- or nothing was, until you found this tiny leaf. "It's so tiny," you'll sob into your doily when you find it on sale at Rite Aid. Don't cry over the leaf. Marry it.
To this date, only a few brave souls have ever ventured deep enough within the bowels of the human condition and Rite Aid to find this unusual item. Each Rite Aid contains a tarsier who, if paid the price, will whisper in your ear The Truth. The price is whatever you are least willing to sacrifice, except during Rite Aid Wellness+ Rewards Members Savings Week, when it is $19.95.
Your Own Face
Where did it come from? Why does Rite Aid have it? You are asking the wrong questions. The right question is, "When do my Rite Aid Wellness+ Rewards Member Points expire?", and the answer is, "On the day you seek your face in a Rite Aid and cannot find it, for on that day Rite Aid has turned away its favor."
What? Let us know in the comments!
If there is one thing that Disney is good at, it's taking a pile of trash and turning it in to a pile of cash. Some of these franchises are still moving along ok, but most of them have gone way off the rails on a lazy train. They're just really bad now. Here are movie franchises that Disney should buy.
Ghostubsters and Ghostbusters 2 were both super awesome. There have been rumors about a possible Ghostbusters 3 for the past five years, but it seems to never quite materialize. A lot of the reason is that Bill Murray doesn't want to be involved unless the script is really good. With Disney's help, I think we would finally get to see a triumphant return of the Ghostbusters to the big screen. I bet they could even talk Rick Moranis in to coming out of retirement.
What isn't awesome about Highlander? It's a bunch of immortal sword fighters cutting off each other's heads and getting shocked by magic lightning. The first movie was great, and the rest were pretty terrible. Part of the reason is that in the first movie MacLeod finishes off The Kurgan to become the last immortal on earth. It's kind of hard to make a sequel that makes sense when there isn't really anyone left to fight. I know that there is still a lot of potential for a reboot of this franchise. Maybe next time they should space it out a little better and not blow their load in the first movie.
Back To The Future
I'm pretty sure that Michael J. Fox wouldn't be down to do another Back To The Future movie. Who cares about Marty McFly? For me, it was always about Doc Brown and Christopher Lloyd would almost definitely do another movie. Just plug in some other up and coming star to hand off the reigns to and you have a pretty much guaranteed formula for a great movie.
Dungeons and Dragons
This franchise was never great to begin with. In fact, I saw the first one in the theater and by the end of it, all of the nerds had turned and everyone in the theater was just yelling stuff out Mystery Science Theater 3000 style. There are billions of untold awesome stories that have been created by some of the greatest dungeon master's in their amazing mother's basements. The problem with making a good Dungeons and Dragons movie is that the establishment is too afraid to make something for the fans. The do stuff like get scared and throw in a member of the Wayans Clan for no reason. Disney has no such fears. They understand that to have a successful franchise, you have to rile up the fan base.
Terminator was awesome. Terminator 2 was even more awesome. It's been all downhill since then. I want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger helping his greatest franchise once again. Maybe he can play a freedom fighter who the skin layout for the Terminators is based on. I don't know. It's not my job to write this movie for your Hollywood screen writers. You guys do it.
If there is one thing that I know makes a good movie, it is cyborgs. There have been a bunch of attempts to reboot the RoboCop franchise, but they all seem to fall through. They're supposedly even making one now. I'll be surprised if it gets finished. This would be really cheap to film to make because they could just shoot it in modern day Detroit. I wish everyone there was doing a city wide RoboCop cosplay instead of the horrible reality that many of its citizens are living in now. Don't take my word for it. In October, the police union told visitors to stay away because they thought it was too dangerous. They need RoboCop now more than ever.
Bill and Ted
Bill and Ted were pretty much my idols for my entire childhood. Not only were the two raddest dudes in San Dimas, they also had a pretty sweet time machine. The two Bill and Ted movies promised us that they would be the voice of a generation and that their music would change the world. I want to see an older Bill and Ted in this future take their time machine for one last spin to save the world. Plus, I pretty much guarantee you that Disney would open a pretty not bogus ride to let you experience what time traveling is really like.
Super Mario Bros
The first Super Mario Bros movie was one of the worst films ever made. That was because it was made by morons. Disney said that the only reason they didn't include Mario and Luigi in Wreck It Ralph was that they thought they were too iconic and would be distracting. If they are so iconic then why not make a movie about it, Disney?
X-Men, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, and the rest of Marvel
Disney owns Marvel, but they don't own the movie rights to all of the Marvel characters. One of the best things about the Marvel comics universe is how fully fleshed out it feels with all of the comics frequently overlapping with each other. I would have loved to see some sweet cameos in the last Avengers. Even one shot of Spider-Man webbing some falling debris or swinging in just in time to save an old lady would have made my day. Plus, the fact that Disney doesn't own the X-Men means that we'll never get to see the Avengers vs. the X-Men storyline play out.
What movie franchises do you think Disney should buy? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
I’m sorry, were you farting sunshine and happiness blissfully unaware that by clicking onto this link your upside down frown is about to be turned right side up into a frown? Because these are the most traumatizing pet deaths in movies, literature and television in the order of least to most traumatizing and it’s about to ruin your day. Enjoy!
10. Herbert (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
I don’t know about you, but I was way more sad that Herbert was eaten over Principal Flutie similar demise and I love eating bacon and going to school!
9. Antie (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids)
Antie, the domesticated Ant, died protecting the shrunken kids from a violent scorpion attack. His bravery made children everywhere think twice before stepping on an ant hill if only to hedge their bets should they ever find themselves 1 cm sans Oreos.
8. Marley (Marley and Me)
Marley and Me is melodramatic, manipulative and marketed mainly to make you mess your make-up and mourn money spent on the mediocre movie. But damn me for crying all the same while flying from New York back to LA many years ago anyways.
7. Lady (Game of Thrones)
Less traumatizing and more maddeningly unfair, Lady, Sansa’s direwolf, is killed for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Arya’s direwolf Nymeria protects her from douche prince Joffrey and then flees leaving Lady as the only direwolf around to take the blame. Sure there are many, many, many other deaths in these books. But this one in particular seems to be among the cruelest. It’s alright though, I hear all direwolves go to heaven.
6. Thackery Binx
OK, Thackery Binx the cat dies so that his human spirit can be reunited with his long dead family and we’re all supposed to be happy because he’s now at peace. Bull. Sh@#t. Seeing the lifeless cat puppet on the ground who we all fell in love with during the film is not OK. It’s never going to be OK. Why am I already out of Kleenex and we’re only at #6!
5. Hazel (Watership Down)
This entry is a special request from a friend who swears that the gruesome death of these bunnies haunted them for their entire life. I’m thinking about making this my holiday card personally.
4. Old Yeller (Old Yeller)
Most lists about traumatic pet deaths begin and end with the story of Old Yeller. This is the archetypal animal martyr story: Yeller comes to the ailing family and is mostly embraced except by the eldest son. The dog saves the family and gains his love only to contract rabies and must be put down. And not peacefully like Marley. No, not in them thar days. In them thar days they shoot ‘em right above the foaming jaws. Poor, poor Yeller, you died so that children everywhere could cope with death/never fully trust the love of anything or anyone.
3. Hedwig (Harry Potter Series)
I don’t know about you, but when I read that Hedwig, Harry Potter’s owl since the very first book, was killed by a Death Eater I literally threw the book across the room. She died saving him! It just wasn’t fair! DAMN YOU JK! I just realized it’s hard to swear at JK because it just sounds like you’re “just kidding” Observe, “for killing off Hedwig and claiming it symbolized the death of Harry’s innocence you deserve a quick kick to the boob…JK!”. See?
2. Seymour (Futurama)
If you ever want to watch a TV geek cry, just say two words: “Jurassic Bark”. Futurama has a lot of very emotionally wrought episodes, but nothing reduces you to a pile of goo more than the tale of Seymour. You see Fry had the opportunity to resurrect Seymour in the future but suddenly reasons that the dog probably had a great life and forgot about the brief time spent with him. The kick in the gut happens when we the audience find out that Seymour waited for Fry every single day for the rest of his life - forever loyal and vigilant at his post. Thank the hypnotoad that the movie Bender’s Big Score gave the little guy the ending he deserved.
1. Artax (The Neverending Story)
There is no pet death in the history of cinema sadder than Artax in The Neverending Story. One day when we are at war with the robots and people have to determine who is human and who is a skin-job they will play this scene. And even then I think some hardrives would leak, idunno, coolant because it is that sad. And It’s not just that Artax dies, it’s that he chooses to die and there’s nothing his loyal friend Atreyu can do…except watch. OH GOD! I need a moment. Go write a comment or something, I just can't.
What death made you bawl like a little baby? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!
For every successful Ollivander's Wand Shop or Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes that reside behind the Leaky Cauldron on Diagon Alley, there are countless stores with remarkably bad business plans and owners who keep waving their wands and saying, “Reverso Foreclosure!”
Florinelli’s Secondhand Wands
As every student at Hogwarts knows, the wizard does not find his or her wand. It finds them. Unless, of course, you’re on a budget. And so like a used textbook that’s already highlighted, scribbled in, or missing complete chapters, these used wands bring with them all the damage of their previous owners. Temperamental, often mostly twig attached to a stub, and occasionally only capable of spraying acid, secondhand wands may not help you pass your class or avoid jail time, but at their price they do indeed make the perfect stocking stuffer.
Usually on fire or being attacked from within, DragonSmart caters to all your pet dragon needs should you be idiotic to purchase one because an owl seems too ordinary and Aragog won’t fit in your terrarium. The store offers everything from a large shield to hide behind when your adorable pet tries to burn you alive, to a leash with which to attach yourself to a passing broomstick should you wish to fly away before your beloved pet eats you, to Dragon Kibble, which when opened you will realize consists of midgets who immediately run away in terror from your cuddly pet.
The Horcrux Container Store
Though it’s only had one customer in its fifty years in business, The Horcrux Container Store still offers every conceivable storage unit for the shattered pieces of one’s soul, from large plastic boxes that can also hold your winter sweaters to bins that can seal away both your soul and your Christmas ornaments to file cabinets for those who like to alphabetize their evil to even horcrux milk crates for your dorm room. Whether you want to insure your immortality or just make sure your roommate doesn’t accidentally find your soul when looking through your closet for a shirt, the Horcrux Container Store is there for you.
Gringotts Check Cashing Place
Instead of storing wizards’ money or greatest valuables, Gringotts Check Cashing Place simply charges an exorbitant fee to give you access to your own money and then puts your remaining pay on a Walmart MoneyCard that can be used nowhere near Diagon Alley or even in England. It also lets you exchange your gold for cash, which has proven a complete financial disaster for the store since all wizards practice alchemy and so can transform even tinfoil into a 24k ticket to big money.
Eleanor’s Wicca Shoppe
Nothing but nothing can ruin a first-year Hogwart’s student’s day like finding out they just dropped several hundred dollars not on wizard supplies but rather on worry stones, herbal teas, dreamcatchers, and a box of twenty greeting cards that read “Happy Winter Solstice!” On the other hand, should you opt to choose Bikram yoga as your gym class elective, want a water fountain that has the word “serenity” repeatedly etched into it, or be in the market for an overpriced cheaply made anklet, this is the shop for you.
Four Words: Worst Butterbeer Frappuccino ever.
What would be some other funny Diagon Alley shops? Let us know in the comments!
Kids should not drink, unless it's funny, in which case they should totally drink. Here are a bunch of kids destined for hilarious liver disease:
Is your life falling apart? Let us know in the comments!
My aunt and uncle recently had a baby and were having trouble naming her, so I thought I'd help out. My suggestion? Hermione Marie from Breaking Bad. I know, I know, it's kind of silly, but it sounds ADORABLE with their last name.
Yes, little Hermione Marie from Breaking Bad is a beautiful addition to the Power Ranger family.
But even I, with my baby-naming ability as horrendous as it is, know that it would be absolutely idiotic to name a baby after a piece of twitter's functionality. So that should let you know how asinine this post on Facebook is, announcing the birth of little baby Hashtag Jameson.
This is the craziest thing Twitter's inspired since the Arab Spring.
Why would anyone name their daughter after a hashtag? I'm working REALLY hard to understand the rational. Does Jameson mother think that anything her daughter says will start trending? Does she know how Twitter works? And at the very least, she's eliminating any hope her daughter has of ever doing something awesome in the world and trending on Twitter herself, since the only people who use the hashtag "#hashtag" are self-aware hipsters commenting on the overuse of hashtags.
#Hashtag might as well be #CoveringDeepAndOverwhelmingSadnessWithIrony
We don't know a lot about the mother of ole' Hashtag here, but we do know this — she absolutely hates her child. I know, I know. She wrote that she "luv(s) her so much!!!!!!", but if you name your child after not only a part of Twitter but part of Twitter that's RUINING Twitter, well, you're asking for her to get bullied in school. And if there's any justice in the world, Hashtag will be bullied by a kid named after the part of Twitter that's being ruined by hashtags.
"I heard Hashtag's gonna get beaten up by Coherent Clear Conversation!"
What internet-inspired nonsense are you going to use to name your child? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Guy Tweets 'YOLO' - Immediately Dies In Car Crash!
Scrooge? The Grinch? The Imaginary War On Christmas? Amateurs. If you want real Holiday Humbuggery (that didn’t sound right), then this is the list for you. Now, while some of the best Christmas films skew dark like Home Alone, Scrooged, Christmas Vacation, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Out list is comprised of holiday films where the characters don’t exactly learn lessons or feel cheery as much as bleed out (or wish that they could). Here are 12 of the least spirited Christmas movies to drown out the carolers with blood curdling screams, explosions and extremely naughty behavior.
There’s a lot to love about this coal hearted comedy classic but the most admirable part is that Billy Bob Thornton’s character never stops being a jerk. He just becomes a jerk in the service of others. So it’s less a character arc as much as a character lateral.
Without Black Christmas we would never have the Halloween or Friday the 13th series’ and I would be able to sleep without a butter knife next to my bed…you never know when you’ll need to butter toast for a psychotic assailant.
One day I’d like Die Hard to replace A Christmas Story on 24hour rotation on a cable network during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like dismantling foreign terrorists while barefoot like a boss.
I stumbled on this Finnish film on Netflix last year and it’s the perfect thing to turn on after the five thousandth rendition of Sleigh Ride you hear.
Fast paced with a great late 90s time capsule soundtrack and cast, Go is the best film yet to capture how the young, the bored and the broke deal with the holidays.
No, I don’t mean the horror film of the same name. I specifically mean the Michael Keaton starring suckfest about a father who dies around Christmas and is cruelly brought back to life as a Snowman because why not?
For those who believe Christmas is purely a consumerist holiday driven by a need to replace feelings with goods and distractions as you struggle to survive the banality of your meaningless drone like existence, Brazil is the holiday film for you. It wont exactly make you feel better but it certainly couldn’t make you feel worse.
Just like in my family, if the night doesn’t end with one parent in tears, lots of yelling and someone tied up then it just wasn’t Christmas.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you’ve seen one Killer Santa film you’ve seen them all…and I’ve seen them all. And this one is tops.
The message of Trading Places still holds up in this era of uncertainty and financial chaos. And that message is that Eddie Murphy was once a bankable comedy star… low hanging ornament, apologies.
The thrilling story of the baby Bruce Wayne who one day grows up to be the savior Gotham needs and the alternative lyric to Jingle Bells the world deserves.
I swore Gremlins was a horror movie until maybe a couple years ago, and after hearing Phoebe Cates talk about Christmas above I’m still not entirely sure I’m wrong.
Which Bah-humbug movie is your favorite? Did we miss any that follow the guideline above? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!
A lot of superheroes have nerdy alter egos to throw people off from their secret identity. I'm looking at you, Clark Kent. It is completely disingenuous and frankly insulting to real nerds everywhere. I think we need to stop supporting all these cool dude superheroes and only support the nerdy ones. Here are badass nerdy superheroes.
Beast's large frame and agility come from his mutant power, but his appearance comes from a science accident turned awesome. He is often seen in a lab coat and glasses as he tends to spend most of his free time doing science stuff. When he isn't doing awesome science stuff, he goes around ripping the heads off of boring robots.
Quailman is pretty much completely socially unaware. He wears his underwear on the outside and a belt on his head. That doesn't stop him from being a badass. If it weren't for him, who would protect the world from Dr. Klotzenstein? I don't know that he's autistic for sure, but I bet you could throw a jar full of Skittles in the air and he'd have them counted before they hit the ground.
Donatello doesn't get the respect that he deserves. Everyone loves the other turtles for their leadership, attitude, and love of partying. Sometimes Donatello gets forgotten. I think he is the most inspirational of them all. He lives in a sewer yet still managed to learn advanced robotics in addition to being a badass ninja. I think Lifetime should make a movie of the week about him.
Despite being a pretty much god-like being that has infinite power at his will, he still takes time to do do physics research and create new technology to help mankind. Seriously though, is it too much to ask him to put on a pair of pants every once in a while?
Spider-Man's whole thing is that he's a huge nerd. When he was created, one of the problems that Stan Lee had with superheroes was that they would be two different people when they had the costume on or off. Peter Parker is always a huge dorkwad whether he's wearing his mask or not. You can pretty much thank him for everyone on this list and also ultimately why nerds became cool and why you have a girlfriend. Spider-Man did that.
Hulk isn't always the overpowered lumbering beast that we all know and love. There are times when he has the intelligence of Bruce Banner giving him the affectionate nickname "Nerd Hulk." Despite Banner's intelligence, it's probably still pretty hard for him to do delicate experiments. That's why I'm starting a Kickstarter to fund a giant laboratory so we can finally get Hulk in there to solve all of the world's problems.
You know that you must be something really special if you're considered to be the "smart one" in the Batman family. For a while, Tim Drake didn't even go out in the field to fight crime. He just stayed at home and fought crime on the internet. It's good to go where you're needed I guess. It doesn't really make for that compelling of a story though. I definitely prefer him to kick ass the old fashioned way with all sorts of sweet gadgets.
You all know the Ghostbusters. They are a team of scientists who protect New York City from ghosts, demons, and giant marshmallow men. They formed their ghost fighting team because they lost their funding to study parapsychology. So they're basically are superheroes as their day job just so they can continue their scientific research. That's about as nerdy as you can get.
Forge's mutant power is that he is a super nerd. It allows him to fix anything and build pretty much any technology you could conceive of from scratch. He's the one repsonsible for a lot of the coolest X-Men storylines because of the time travel machine that he builds in the future. Now if he could only build me a robot girlfriend then everything in my life would be perfect.
Captain Planet is the nerdiest super hero on this list. Just look at him. Not convinced? Listen to him say anything. If I were a millionaire, I would totally make the feature length version of Captain Planet starring Don Cheadle.
Which nerdy superhero do you think is the most badass? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Instagram originally rose to prominence as a digital meeting place for hipsters – an app where you could share pictures of yourself wearing your Urban Outfitters skinny jeans, sitting on your Urban Outfitters couch, and drinking out of your ironic “Who Farted?” Urban Outfitters mug. Sure, it’s since become pretty mainstream, but it hasn’t lost sight of its original themes. There’s still only eight types of photographs on Instagram – always has been, always will.
The "This is the First Time I've Ever Seen a Sunset Before" Photo
In the world of amateur photography, pictures of sunsets are as ubiquitous as dead air on college radio. People who upload pics to Instagram are the ultimate amateur photographers – so much so, they can’t even be bothered to buy a damn camera. That being said, the fact that Instagram is filled to the bursting with nondescript pictures of sunsets comes as a surprise to no one.
The "Does This Filter Make My Acne Look Small?" Photo
You know ‘em. You’ve seen ‘em. And if you’ve ever had a zit you were trying to cover up, you’ve taken ‘em. They’re photos that are so washed out, the person in ‘em looks like a ghost. A ghost with something to hide. And by “something,” I mean “a skin condition.”
The "It's Art Because It's Blurry" Photo
Basically anything on Instagram tagged as "art" falls into this category. Blurry, poorly shot close-ups of stupid crap like logos, knick-knacks, trees and dogs isn’t art, though. It’s blurry, poorly shot close-ups of stupid crap. With a sepia filters layered over them for no discernable reason.
The "Modified MySpace" Photo
About 35% of Instagram’s bandwidth is dedicated to self-shot, artfully cropped images of girls from their (ample) chests up, made to maximize their assets (the aforementioned chests) and minimize their liabilities (the rest of their bodies). Myspace may be dead, but these deceptive snaps will never kick the bucket.
The "You Can Never Escape Pictures of Food" Photo
Social media sites exist for two reasons: as a safe place to express one’s opinion on how stupid the Lifetime TV movie “Liz and Dick” was, and to show off pictures of edibles one finds “hella yummy.” Instagram’s photos of foodstuffs are exactly the same as those you’d find on Facebook, but smaller and blurrier. And, as is the case with Facebook, they’re mostly of cupcakes and desserts. In short, they do not encourage healthy eating habits.
The "Correct, I'm Cute" Photo
Pictures in which young, “fabulous” dummies show off what they're wearing that day, their awesome manicures, and their Louis Vuitton cutting boards are incredibly popular on Instagram. The posters of said photos always look smug, too, as if they’re uploading them solely to rub their fabulosity all up in the world’s collective face. They make my blood boil.
The "This Isn't Even a Photo at All, It's a Stupid 'Inspirational' Quote" Photo
Because god forbid someone use a photo sharing site to share, y’know, actual photos.
The "Check Out This Thing in My Hand" Photo
One time, I kid you not, I saw an Instagram photo of someone’s hand holding a Starbucks iced latte. It was quite a depressing moment for yours truly.
What’s your least favorite Instagram cliché? Let me know in the comments!
The world of Bikini Bottom is a fun-filled, magical place that brings delight to viewers of all ages. And that’s because the creators of “Spongebob Squarepants” knew to populate it with the most harmless, adorable characters possible. But what if they decided to introduce one or more of marine life’s deadlier creatures? Here’s how that could drastically alter both the town and show itself…
Great White Shark
Cartoon characters need all their facial features—especially their eyes—to express their wants and emotions. So imagine how disturbed and disoriented Squidward would be if a Great White Shark entered the Krusty Krab, swam up to the cash register, and looked directly at him with his dead-eyed stare, the shark’s only emotion betrayed by five rows of smiling teeth backed by thousands of pounds of muscle. Then the shark would constantly move back and forth—either out of hunting regimen or because he drank too many kelp shakes—before he picked up the scent of blood from raw Krabby Patties. And that’s when the feeding frenzy would begin, starting first with the restaurant’s staff, then its customers, then that unlucky guy who only came to use the bathroom, and then Plankton just as he is finally about to steal the recipe (or just a few bucks from the cash register).
Everyone knows that one of Spongebob’s favorite pastimes is catching jellyfish like butterflies. But what if a box jellyfish were to become ensnared in his little net? Well, first the pain from its sting would be so unbelievably excruciating that Spongebob would immediately go into anaphylactic shock. That’s because each box jellyfish has enough venom to kill up to 60 humans, resulting in more deaths in Australia than snakes, sharks, and crocodiles combined. And so little kids and stoned college students would be forced to watch in dead silence for a short three-minute episode as Spongebob experienced piercing abdominal pain, cardiac arrest, and explosive diarrhea before eventually floating lifeless to the surface.
The perfect candidate for a “special episode” about how beauty isn’t skin-deep and its who you are on the inside that counts, the stonefish would instantly undercut any such good feelings by stabbing the entire cast with its poisonous dorsal fin. Then the viewers would be left watching the skin around Spongebob’s wound die before months of excruciating swelling and almost certain amputation. And since its appearance makes it look like just some rock on the ocean floor, the show would end with Patrick thinking he’s lifting his home to go to sleep only to let out a bloodcurdling scream as the screen fades to black.
Perhaps one of the most beautiful creatures under the sea, the lionfish would certainly be the object of affection for a lovestruck Spongebob. Soon our main character would be so head-over-heels for the fish that he would start to see her everywhere he goes. But that would only be because the lionfish is a highly invasive species that completely overtakes and overwhelms marine environments, since few predators can survive its venomous spines. And so by episode’s end the entire population of Bikini Bottom would be displaced from their homes and consuming each other because the thousands upon thousands of lionfish would have purchased all the real estate and eaten not only the patties but even what’s left at the Chum Bucket.
At only 8” long, the blue-ringed octopus would get lost in almost any crowded restaurant scene in “Spongebob Squarepants,” as it quietly fed on small crabs or maybe Gary. And because of its tiny, quiet nature, none of the townspeople would realize that this cephalopod is in fact the “Bikini Bottom Serial Killer,” packing venom that is more than 10,000 times deadlier than cyanide. And since few ever feel its sting, customers could start suddenly dropping dead in large waves at the Krusty Krab, causing the fast-food joint to be closed and its owner wrongly jailed for life for callous food poisoning. Of course, the blue-ringed octopus only attacks if provoked, which would occur whenever Spongebob appeared.
Okay, Godzilla doesn’t actually exist. But we are talking about a place where a crab has somehow fathered a whale and the main character looks like he should be scouring kitchen countertops. Besides, every “Godzilla” movie features the creature rampaging on land, giving us very little idea of what his life is like when he’s underwater and not tripping over power lines. And so one can imagine that Godzilla happily greets each morning down in Bikini Bottom by shrieking, crushing the townspeople under his feet, and burning their entire world to unrecognizable oblivion before picking up his daily paper and going to get brunch.
What creature would you like to see terrorize Bikini Bottom? Let us know in the comments!
It's super exciting to check your Facebook and find a Friend Request. Who could it be? An old friend from high school? Your former mentor from college? That cute girl from the party last night? But when reality comes crashing down, and it's that weird friend of a friend from the party last night who made everyone just straight up UNCOMFORTABLE, what do you do? Friend him anyway.
"YOU'RE WEAK," I tell myself, accepting Friend Requests from people
I don't like. "YOU'RE WEAK AND NO ONE RESPECTS YOU."
But there might, in fact, be some harm to increasing your Facebook friend count, a new study has found. The University of Edinburgh Business School has shown that the more Facebook friends one has, the more likely they are to be stressed out. "[G]iven that social networks are primarily arenas for self-presentation, they are inextricably linked with the possibility for social anxiety," says the study.
With Facebook's growing popularity, we've found ourselves in new social situations, giving ourselves to different people. The study's author, Ben Marder, even compared Facebook to "a great party for all your friends where you can dance, drink and flirt. But now with your Mum, Dad and boss there the party becomes an anxious event full of potential social land mines."
As Shakespeare said, "to thine own self be true." But now Facebook is forcing us to present ourselves to our friends AND our bosses AND our Nanas all at once. It is A LOT harder to be true to thine own self when you're presenting multiple different selves.
"Tell me about it.".
So how are we, the Facebook users, supposed to deal with the exponential growth of stress from adding Facebook friends? We can either a) become more comfortable with ourselves, and do the draining emotional work of accepting the parts of our lives that might be unseemly to SOME Facebook friends — understanding, say, that your boss might see you partying or nana might see you mid-coitus — and accepting that everything you post is an aspect of you, and that the people in your life like you, even if you do something they wouldn't. It's frightening, being that open with people, letting them see who you are and what you're doing with your life. But it can help to build lasting, important relationships with the people who care about you the most.
Or you can just straight-up unfriend a bunch of people. Just boot 'em right the hell out of your internet life. And, while you're at it, your real life too.
"Hey Grammy? Pop Pop? I'm worried you might judge me at some point
so to prevent that I need you to both get out of my house right now."
Do you have too many Facebook friends to be happy? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 20 Totally Embarrassing Accidental Facebook Statuses!
Facebook really is a great way to connect with awesome people both from your current life and from the past. Some people just shouldn't be on it though. It's supposed to be fun to see what all of your friends are up to. These people try to ruin it for everyone. Here are people you should unfriend on Facebook.
No. I don't want to come to your stand-up comedy show. No. I don't want to see your Nickelback cover band. No. I don't want to come to a fundraiser for IBS awareness. No. I don't want to come see your experimental dance troupe. No. I don't want to come to your 80's themed birthday party. Nothing you've ever invited me to has ever sounded fun. They're not even a friend at this point. They're basically just the modern equivalent of a sleazy car salesman.
This person really wants you to think that they have a super sweet life. They're always going out to awesome VIP parties or doing extreme sports. It really makes you wonder what you're doing with your life to see someone else have this amazing, perfect existence. But don't worry about it too much. They're totally full of BS. The reality is that they have photoshop and way too much free time.
This person is a real downer. They post every day about how terrible their life is. If you have a computer with internet access and a Facebook account then your life probably isn't really all that bad. It's still a huge bummer to see that in your timeline all the time. Posting sad stuff on the internet for attention stopped being cool in 6th grade. They've got to go.
This person has pretty much no idea what they're talking about so they let other people talk for them. They always have a new cause that you totally should also support because if you don't the planet will literally explode. If they put in half of the time volunteering somewhere that they did posting about their new cause of the day, they might actually be able to make a difference.
Family Member That Doesn't Get Jokes
Facebook is kind of a fun digital hang out place for you and all of your friends. It's not a place for your oblivious aunt who you never see to call your mom everytime you post anything mildy offensive. If she gets offended by you calling someone a turdface then she should just never use Google image search ever. Once you see the horrible things that Google has to show you, you never get to unsee them.
Do you have an opinion on anything? Well, this person has the opposite opinion and they're totally going to prove their point by commenting on your status twenty times. Whenever I get a new notification, I get excited like I'm opening a present on Christmas morning. It could be anything. Getting notifications about this douche is like opening a box full of ants. They don't really do any harm, but they're super annoying and won't go away.
A lot of games try to give you free stuff for recruiting more people in to the game. Most people are classy enough to not harass their friends constantly with requests to join some dumb game where you click on pictures of corn over and over. If you want to waste your life, that's fine. Just don't try to drag me down with you.
Inspirational Quote Poster
They just really want to use Facebook for good instead of evil and inspire someone in the world to do something awesome. They're obviously not doing anything awesome since they're just posting inspiring quotes all the time. I just hope that one day they read their own posts and get inspired to spell correctly.
Hmm... NEW FRIEND REQUEST!! YAY! Well, I don't know this person, but they're kind of cute, and we have a lot of mutual friends in common. Sure. Why not? I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation in my head. Someone that goes around friending people they don't know is a crazy person and should be avoided at all costs.
Relationships are hard, but when they end, let them end. You have to unfriend them. It isn't a slight against them. It is because you have absolutely no self control to stop stalking their profile constantly. You're just setting yourself up for a spiral. Where are they? Who's that person they're with? Why do the look so happy? NOOOOO!!!
How many people did this article inspire you to unfriend? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Granted, almost every moment in the Mario games is great. But when I sat down to plot out my favorite moments, I came up with a list of the levels that first popped into my mind as I thought about the series' various games. These are the levels that most made an impression on me, and I think in a way, that makes them the best. I mean, for one thing, they were the experiences that most made a mark on me. But also they're the levels that required me to research the least. I do hate research. Although, that research would've just been playing Mario games.
I've made a huge mistake.
In any event, here are the all-time best Mario levels!
There's a feeling of terror that washed over me in the Minus World, a feeling that what I was seeing was out of the realm of traditional Mario dangers like turtles and Hammer Brothers and into the more metaphysical dangers of the unknown. It was exciting, because the danger was suddenly real. Would I find code that turned the Princess into a monster? Would I legitimately break my NES? Would the game give me the exact time and date of my own death? THE HORROR OF THE MINUS WORLD IS THAT THE ANSWER TO ALL THESE WRETCHED QUESTIONS WAS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE YES AS IT WAS TO BE NO.
Tick Tock Clock
Why was this such a great level? I really liked the jumping-into-the-clock-at-specific-times-to-speed-up-or-slow-down the platforms thing. What a great idea. This level worked upwards. It seemed that each progressive star was HIGHER in the clock than the last. So by the time you were at the sixth star, you were climbing through a damn clock mountain. I felt like there was no end to the height of this level, and to this day I forget that there's an end. In my head, I can keep climbing higher and higher in this level forever. And isn't that the true majesty of a Mario level? The sense of wonder? Of possibilities? Of infinity?
No, it's just about power-ups? Yeah, okay. This level didn't have any power-ups so it SUCKS.
World 4-1 from Super Mario Bros. 3
Um. this level had GIANTS in it. They were like regular bad guys except GIANT. It's like, which is better — a pie? Or a GIANT pie? The answer is giant pie ten times out of ten. Unless it's a poison pie. And I literally don't understand why there would ever be such thing as a poison pie. Maybe if you hated your relatives and wanted to bump them all off over Thanksgiving. Okay, I got a little off track here. THE POINT IS, giants are rad and this level is rad and my family HAS to go.
MAN what a fortress Whomp's Fortress was! This is, like, the canonical Mario level. The green grass is growin', the piranha plants are bitin', and the sun is shinin' down. It's pretty exciting when you get to a place with no gimmicks, no added fluff. It's just Mario versus some piranha plants. And at the end you run into — spoiler alert — Whomp! MAN what a fortress Whomp's Fortress was!
Between the electricity traps, floor puzzles you spin to activate and spiked monsters This, the last level of Super Mario Galaxy 2, is without question the hardest level in the history of Mario levels. It's designed by a masochist. It's for the type of person who wants to hurt themselves. It's for someone who likes to be tied up, tortured, bound, beaten, gagged. Who finds themselves.drawn to PAIN. Someone who finds... PLEASURE... in pain.
Oh wow. This Mario level has really taught me a lot about myself.
Donut Plains 1
This is the first level where you a. get a cape and b. find a secret level exit. Do you know what this level meant to Mario fans? EVERYTHING. This is the origin point. What started it all! Baby, this is the beginning of everything! I love everything about this level — the music, the sound, the introduction of the cape, to the secret exit, to the football guy, to the exploding fire plants, to EVERYTHING. This level is the Citizen Kane of Mario levels. God actually played this level and was like "whoa, good job Mario guys" and that's why everyone who worked on this level woke up the next day with hair made of gold because God can do ANYTHING!
What's your all-time favorite Mario level? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
I don't know about the rest of you, but I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to make lots and lots of money while doing no work. Some of my get-rich-quick schemes have included making an iPhone app for the blind, renting out jetpacks to the elderly, and taking all the napkins at Starbucks and selling them to customers at a markup. But get-rich-quick schemes work best when they're simple, and nothing is simpler than charging people for something they were going to do anyway. Like sleeping.
That said, the jetpacks thing is a great idea as long as I can find some free jetpacks.
But Jackie Samuels got there before I did. She runs a cuddling business from her home in Rochester, New York. Tired, lonely people — mostly men, but some women — pay her 60 dollars an hour to snuggle up tight and take a nap with her. It seems intimate, sure, but Samuels makes sure there is ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL TOUCHING WHATSOEVER.
It's all the emotional connection without any of that boring relationship!
Originally starting the business to support her education and young son, Samuels offers a service that not many others can — a moment of warmth and solace in our increasingly cold and isolated world. Apparently customers can nap wherever they want around her home, but Samuels says most choose her bed even though, again, there is ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL TOUCHING WHATSOEVER.
Her only satisfied clients are coma patients and men without penises.
I get that it can be lonely when you're out of a relationship, but this, like many other get-rich-quick schemes, falls apart when you think about it for just a minute. Is there much of a difference between Jackie Samuels and a sack of flour in pajamas? How about one of those big stuffed Plutos you get at Disneyland? You can snuggle with those things for free. And if it's really the human connection you're looking for, you can ALWAYS go snuggle with a homeless people.
And they won't cost you any more than a ham sandwich and your sense of safety.
Would you pay 60 dollars for a nap with a lady? What if there was ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL TOUCHING WHATSOEVER? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 20 People Sleeping Where They Should Not Be Sleeping!
So a neighborhood in San Francisco has been plagued, PLAGUED I TELL YOU, by a thief who's been jacking packages off of people's doorsteps. I know this isn't the worst crime in the world but receiving packages that I ordered from Amazon can be like the highlight of my week, so I feel these victims pain, yo! One of the residents even snapped a photo of the alleged thief, who's all like 'HAY" on his bicycle. Jerk.
But one resident had enough of this BULLSH*T. After having 1000 of dollars worth of stuff stolen from her, photographer Sonya Yu, made a plan to catch the thief. She laid out a bait package, and waited for the thief to strike. With a friggin' bokken and a can of bear spray! That is how you DO IT! Of course this being the world we live in, she tweeted the whole thing.
And you know what? Her plan worked! The thief struck and Yu pounced. A foot chase ensued! But after being doused with bear spray, 51 year old Andy Anduha was finally unable to keep running and Sonya Yu FRIGGIN' PLACED HIM UNDER CITIZEN ARREST UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVED! Because she is a total badass.
Of course she is now the hero of her neighborhood and the internet. Well she kind of already was the hero of the internet because she is the owner of Trotter the French Bulldog! You may recognize Trotter from his Instagram photos. He wears all kind of adorable outfits, including this stormtrooper costume.
Or my favorite, The Fancy Man outfit.
Although most of us non-crazy people are thrilled with Yu's victory, there are some who think she went too far and accuse her of assaulting Anduha. Those people are so annoying, I can't even. Fine don't fight back annoying people, Bad Luck Brian can tell you what happens when you just take it lying down.
What do you think of what Sonya did? Do you think she went too far?? Let me know what you think @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
So, you think you know Santa Claus? You’ve heard the tales, seen the movies, drank the liters of Coca-Cola product, scarred younger relatives with the truth, but you don’t know everything. Santa is like Voltron; he’s made up of so many different yuletide traditions and some are stranger than others. Here are some fantastic facts about everyone’s favorite fat man.
1. Santa and Christmas Were Banned in Early America
Don’t alarm the pundits on Fox News but, as it turns out, the opening shots of the “War on Christmas” started with our Puritan forbearers. Awkward! Puritans in the English Parliament eliminated Christmas as a national holiday in 1645, amid widespread anti-Christmas sentiment. Settlers in New England went even further, outlawing Christmas celebrations entirely in 1659. All forms of Christmas celebration, including invoking any flavor of Santa was penalized. Christmas wasn’t a recognized federal holiday until Ulysses S. Grant formally declared it so in 1870. I choose to believe that Santa used this time to learn cross-stitch.
2. Santa Is BFF’s with Demons
In Alpine countries, Santa rolls with a couple of demons, most notably a handsome chap known as Krampus. Think of it like an extreme form of good cop bad cop; Santa comes in, all jolly and flush with the toys and then BAM! In rolls Krampus with a fork and a dinner roll to pair with little Timmy. Now that’s a cop show worth watching, get on it Hollywood.
3. That Awkward Moment When Santa Was A Goat
Joulupukki, or The Yule Goat is the Finnish ingredient in the origin soup that is Santa Claus. Modern Joulupukki closely resembles the Santa we know but traditionally he was more of a, well, giant goat who begged for Christmas scraps and maybe terrorized children. The guy at Coca-Cola who solidified our Santa Claus imagery was actually the son of Finnish immigrants. This leads me to believe that there are rough drafts of a giant goat gulping down the brown bubbly stuff somewhere. Damn focus groups keeping us from giant goat creatures!
4. The Time Santa Fought Sweeney Todd
Everyone knows that the “Old Saint Nick” part of Santa comes from the Greek bishop St. Nikolaus who was fond of putting gold in children’s shoes and making sure little girls don’t become prostitutes. But when he wasn’t meddling in the affairs of pimps and ho-ho-hos (sorry) he apparently busted up a Butcher’s scam to sell meat pies made out of people. In most stories he turns the meat pies back into their human form which must have been disappointing for the lunch rush crowd.
5. How Santa Got A Sparkly Make-Over To Rival Twilight Vamps
Not only did Martin Luther kick-off the Protestant Reformation, he also took a stab at putting the “Christ” back in Christmas. Luther wanted to replace the Catholic St. Nikolaus with what can only be described as a disco glitter angel baby that looked nothing like the babe from Bethlehem and more like a clutch purse from Lady Gaga’s closet. This Christkindl ended up as a barnacle on the SS Santa while in transit to America or as we know them here, Kris Kringle.
6. Santa Is A Citizen Of Canada
Because Canada clearly has too much time on its hands, Jason Kenney, the Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism declared that Santa Claus is a citizen of Canada in 2008. Santa could do worse, at least he’s somewhere that can effectively treat his diabetes.
Which facts surprised you the most? Or let me guess, you knew them all. Well you’re just so dang smart why don’t you marry your brain. Follow me on Twitter then smarty or leave a comment below about Santa, or something!