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Articles on this Page
- 11/19/12--12:32: _What a James Bond M...
- 11/19/12--14:21: _12 Incredibly Stran...
- 11/19/12--16:30: _10 Better Choices F...
- 11/20/12--10:55: _One Direction Fan-F...
- 11/20/12--12:09: _6 People Justin Bie...
- 11/20/12--13:16: _What A First Date W...
- 11/20/12--14:08: _Real-Life Animals T...
- 11/20/12--14:45: _6 TV Shows from the...
- 11/21/12--11:10: _Is The 'Human Barbi...
- 11/21/12--12:13: _6 Practical Skills ...
- 11/21/12--14:31: _6 Most Famous Turkeys
- 11/22/12--11:38: _Are 'Arty' Teens Mo...
- 11/22/12--12:41: _What Video Game Cha...
- 11/23/12--09:58: _Susan Boyle's Massi...
- 11/23/12--13:12: _ 7 Actors With Ludi...
- 11/23/12--16:37: _Even Yet Still MORE...
- 11/24/12--14:20: _8 Best Animated Chr...
- 11/24/12--13:44: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 11/25/12--10:54: _Rejected Rise Of Th...
- 11/26/12--11:13: _Gangnam Style Beats...
- 11/19/12--14:21: 12 Incredibly Strange Pieces Of Twilight Merchandise
- 11/19/12--16:30: 10 Better Choices For Sexiest Man Alive
- 11/20/12--10:55: One Direction Fan-Fiction Story Lands Teen A Book Deal!
- 11/20/12--12:09: 6 People Justin Bieber Should Date Next
- 11/20/12--13:16: What A First Date With Master Chief Is Like
- 11/20/12--14:08: Real-Life Animals That Are Basically Monsters
- 11/20/12--14:45: 6 TV Shows from the 90's in Need of a Sequel
- 11/21/12--11:10: Is The 'Human Barbie' A Fake?
- 11/21/12--12:13: 6 Practical Skills For You To Learn Before The Zombie Apocalypse
- 11/21/12--14:31: 6 Most Famous Turkeys
- 11/22/12--11:38: Are 'Arty' Teens More Likely to be Depressed?
- 11/22/12--12:41: What Video Game Characters are Thankful For!
- 11/23/12--09:58: Susan Boyle's Massive Twitter Hashtag Fail
- 11/23/12--13:12: 7 Actors With Ludicrous Names!
- 11/23/12--16:37: Even Yet Still MORE of the Worst Words in the English Language
- 11/24/12--14:20: 8 Best Animated Christmas Episodes
- 11/24/12--13:44: Caption The Photo, WIN A SHIRT!
- 11/25/12--10:54: Rejected Rise Of The Guardians Characters
- 11/26/12--11:13: Gangnam Style Beats Bieber For #1 All Time Viewed Youtube Video
After 23 James Bond movies, I think I'm ready to say that I get it. Maybe for the next film we could see the story from another character's perspective? Let's take a look at what that Bond movie would look, focusing on the newest Bond girl — Boner Insideofme.
The plan is laid out, and the plan is seduction
Usually Bond doesn't find out until the end fo the movie that he's only been sleeping with his lady partner because she's working for the enemy But in this Bond movie, Agent Insideofme would be told right up front by the, I don't know, North Koreans(?) that her mission is to seduce Bond. Because women spies are used for seduction missions and men spies are used for missions that aren't seduction missions. That's like secret agent 101-level stuff.
45 on-screen minutes in a bikini
The first half of the film's second act is one single, uninterrupted shot of agent Insideofme on the beach in a bikini. James Bond is going to come around and advance the story eventually, but first, tanning! And Mai Thais! And TANNING.
Listen to Bond's personal connection to the bad guy
Let's be honest, the villain is probably an ex-MI6 agent who's now working for the North Koreans. Here, agent Insideofme proves her worth. Not necessarily by saving Bond, but by listening to him explain his backstory with the villain.
Eventually, Agent Insideofme will be captured by the villain and taken back to his home base. If, up to this point, Agent Insideofme has been portrayed as Bond's equal (in terms of intellect, not importance), she'll survive. If she's been sultry, or if she's foreign, she's dead. The movie could very well end right here. Eventually Bond will show up and have to choose between the mission and the girl. He's almost for sure gonna choose the mission.
Suddenly realize she's in love with Bond
At this point in the movie, Insideofme realizes that, despite her objectives, she truly has feelings for Bond, the man who has straight-up murdered like a thousand dudes right in front of her and made quips about it.
Have the exact opposite realization
This is the ENTIRE reason to have a movie based on the Bond girl — Audiences will finally see the moment when the Stockholm syndrome wears off and Agent Insideofme realizes that JESUS CHRIST JAMES BOND IS A MONSTER.
Would you watch this Bond girl-centric Bond movie? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
What do you get the Twihard who has everything? Perhaps one of these crazy ass products will do! But honestly if they seem thrilled to receive one of these items, you might wanna rethink your relationship with them. Just sayin'!
An ACTUAL pillow used in the Breaking Dawn- Part 1 sex scene
It scares me to think of what a Twihard might wanna do if they got their hands on this pillow. Let's just say I wouldn't wanna see what might show up if I sprayed luminol all over the pillow. I think we'd be entering motel bedspread territory.
Jasper and Alice's spawn doll
Aren't dolls supposed to be, I don't know, CUTE!?! I can certainly see why Alice chose not to breast feed him.
Who would want to wear vampire sex around their neck?? Wait...that sounds like some kind of weird fetish that might be in the Urban Dictionary. Moving on...
Super creepy pin
Only in the Twilight universe is a line so Ped-y celebrated as romantic.These books are hella ped-y...amirite?
How do I explain this? It's art, made of resin blood and a feminine product, that the maker claims is a vampire's teabag. Are you barfing yet?
I mean I like puns just as much as the next guy...but no.
If you've ever wondered what Bella and Edward embryos looked like, then you need help. Serious help.
There's sparkles in his ashes you guys! Isn't that clever? Isn't that clever, you guys? Guys? Anyone there?
Various Hair Irons
First of all these are all super dumb. Second of all, what man is itching to get Edward's textured style?? If you raised your hand, please go to the back of the man line.
Jacob Black Barbie Doll
Personally I can't get past the no socks with sneakers. But yeah, there's a whole lot of wrong here. Although I kind of wanna see what's under his pants. Yes, in a lot of ways I'm still 10 years old.
It must be nice to be someone's clueless, blank-faced true love, said no girl ever. Well no girl with brains.
Edward cat doll
Haven't cats suffered enough indignity on the internet!?! Also...WHY? The cat below is all like ' It could be worse.'
Which is your fave? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
This year's People's Sexiest Man Alive really went to Channing Tiberius Tatum? We could be the better People and stand back and say, “to each their own” or “sexy is in the pants of the beholder”. but it would be a lie. No amount of charm, and he possesses quite a bit, can take away the young Shrekness of Channing Tatum.
For the sake of teen lockers everywhere, allow us to take you on a journey through sexy man country. Maybe you’ll learn a little about yourselves. Maybe you’ll learn a little too much about us. But damnit if we all wont have a good excuse to not do what we should be doing right now.
For my taste, 1-10 of this list could very well just be Ryan Gosling, but it’s been done already. What’s it going to take People? He’s already saved a woman’s life and melted the panties of the internet!
Joseph Gordon Levitt
Joseph Gordon Levitt is so good looking that even under prosthetics to look like the giant foreskin that is Bruce Willis he’s still good looking.
If we had to outsource our Peter Parker to the Brits I’m glad it was Garfield. The world is sadly not read for a Robbie Coltrane Spider Man.
Talent and an open mind, Ocean take me away!
There’s a reason he’s seemingly the only one getting action on The Walking Dead. I mean, I don’t know what the zombies get into when they’re on their own time, but I’m sure the internet would tell you if you google with the Safe Search off.
Chris and Liam Hemsworth
I heard Australia made their mother’s lady parts a national landmark. It’s right under the Sydney Opera House as the most visited. Papa Hemsworth is a lucky man.
The once and always Finnick O’Dair of my heart.
Ezra Miller is that guy who brings bongos to class and stops bathing because “corporate America tells you to smell a certain way” and can quote Thomas Pynchon verbatim. Aka every boy I had a crush on from high school to college.
Even if I didn’t miss Community, Childish Gambino is geek sexy at it’s finest.
I mean, come on. His name is two letter’s shy of an anagram for, “Pretty fela.” It’s almost unfair.
Who would make your list? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!
One of the most magical times in a young person's life is when they fall in love with their first band. For many of our grandparents, it was The Beatles. For some of our parents, it was The New Kids on the Block.
For me, it was KoЯn, but only because I wasn't super well-adjusted.
But like so many of her peers, British teen Emily Baker fhas fallen and fallen hard for One Direction, everyone's favorite teeny bopper boy band. But the difference between her and all those previous generations of music-lovers is that Emily Baker wrote a story about meeting and falling in love with the group that attracted the attention of Penguin publishing and landed her a book deal. Now Emily will write a novel based on the story called Loving the Band.
The senior fiction editor from Emily's publisher, Penguin, said of the deal: "We are delighted to be publishing Loving the Band. Emily's novel completely taps into today's pop culture. Her love of a certain boy band is heartfelt and her passion feeds into every bit of her writing." And if that's true, it's an impressive feat for Emily — I don't know how you capture the feeling of a teen girl's love for her favorite band in words. Is it all in caps? Does it use ":D!!!" instead of periods? Let's take a look at the manuscript itself and see—
Let's be honest, it's not really a complicated feeling.
To avoid any copyright issues, Emily has changed the names, so the band is no longer officially One Direction. While that's sure to be a negative on the book for One Direction purists (?), Baker did make an awesome decision to rename one of the band members "Shaq". That bodes well for what she's renamed the rest of the group.
From left to right: Shaq, Philosophy, Crisp Pants, Xrenthax the Destroyer, and Phil.
I don't mean to make fun of Emily Baker for writing this story, thoguh. It's wonderful when anyone sits down and takes the time to write deserves our applause. But Penguin publishing? What are you guys doing? Do you just search the web for writers now? Is that really how you want to discover talent?
Because if so I've been working on a Snape/ Lily Potter story for like two years and it has over thirty-five views and I really think it's good and if you'll just give it a chance I'm sure you'll like it because they have such an EPIC romance and don't forget to read the epilouge about their kids!!
You can find it at lilyandsnapeOTP.biz
What band do you write fanfic about? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out the 10 Worst Things I Saw In The New One Direction Video!
Don’t lie, ever since you heard Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were on the rocks, you’ve been listening to Biebs’ “Boyfriend” and envisioning yourself as the girl he’s propositioning. But you didn’t act quickly enough, and now pictures are surfacing of Bieby Baby hanging out with some Victoria’s Secret models. Nooo! Clearly he needs us to step in and give him a little gf guidance. Here’s who we think Justin Bieber should date next.
Carly Rae Jepsen
At 26 (I know, right? I didn’t believe it, either!) Carly Rae is a little old for Justin, but whatever, she looks super young. We already know they’re pals since Justin helped launch her career, and they’ll have a lot to talk about, like singing and maple syrup and stuff. Plus, their parents will be pleased that their holidays be spent in Canada.
Mary Kate Olsen
Another 26-year-old, but, I mean, I’d rather see Mary Kate with someone eight years her junior than that 42-year-old stale croissant she’s with now. Mary Kate and Justin could bond over being child stars that inspired people to count down the years until they turned 18. And then Mary Kate could fill Justin in on what exactly Full House is.
They ARE cute together. If these two can work through their differences, maybe it would start a trend of Hollywood couples actually sticking together. And if not, they seem willing to fight in public, so that’ll at least continue to entertain us.
Just to watch the internet explode... And, um, she looks like she’d be Bieber’s type.
McKayla is maybe one of the few teenage girls in the world who could look at Justin and not be impressed. Apparently they interacted a lot at the Olympics. It’d probably be for the best if Justin were to date a girl who excelled at something completely different from him so the two weren’t in competition with each other. Plus, she could totally guest stunt in his videos!
[Your Name Here]
OMG now I’m blushing. He basically proposes to us over Twitter like every night anyway. Miracles happen when you belieb.
Who else do you think Justin Bieber should date? Let us know in the comments!
Now that Halo 4 is out, I know the pressing question on everyone's minds: Is Master Chief single? I mean, just look at him: he's tall, strong, and steadily employed, which automatically elevates him above 99% of available guys. But slow down there, ladies. Dating Master Chief isn't everything you wish it was. Here's what a first date with John-117 Spartan is REALLY like.
He's Not Much Of a Talker
Master Chief doesn't bother with small talk, and has zero interest in how your day was. One time I asked Master Chief for his opinion on same sex marriage and he just started loading his shotgun. Dinner with the guy is a lot like dinner with my parents: completely silent, because they're dead.
He's a Workaholic
Whenever Master Chief isn't on a mission, he's locked in cryosleep. First of all, this makes scheduling a date a nightmare, as you'll probably have to unleash the Flood just to wake him up. Second, he hasn't seen any movies in the last 300 years, so expect only awkward silence when you bust out your hilarious Bane impression.
He's Not Over His Ex (And His Ex Is a Computer Program)
Look, I get it: the same woman/program has been living in his head/helmet for seven years, so it's tough to start dating again. But yelling "CORTANAAAA!!!!" every half hour is still creepy.
He's Super Immature
If you go out with Master Chief, be prepared to date a full grown man who often acts like a 13 year old boy. One moment he'll be a drop-dead serious super soldier, and the next he'll be teabagging corpses. Grow up!
He's Afraid Of Intimacy
Sure, not everyone kisses on the first date. But Master Chief won't even take off his helmet. He says it's because an alien attack could come at any moment, which is an awfully convenient explanation for the thick emotional walls he's throwing up. Master Chief needs to open up his heart and let love in. Trust me, homegirl, thinking you can change him will end in you getting hurt.
Sex Is Out Of The Question
700 pounds of armor doesn't remove itself.
Why are all the good ones gay or taken? Let us know in the comments!
While we definitely get scared whenever we watch a movie with Frankensteins or werewolves or the mummies, there's still some little voice in the back of our head reminding us that they're not real. That little voice in the back of our heads is what makes us able to watch monster movies without losing our minds from fear. But did you know there are real life monsters, posing in our world as animals? Take THAT, little voice in the back of your head that keeps you from losing your mind from fear!
Hey, um, jellyfish? You were frightening enough when you just had stingers and looked like liguid hell. You didn't have to go and get EXTRA scary by adding poisonous venom and LITERAL EYEBALLS, okay? This is the same problem I have with bayonets. Like, guns are already dangerous. They don't need a knife.
This shark got a HUUUUUGE mouth! And while it only uses it to skim the water and collect plankton, the basking shark could still hide other dangerous things inside that mouth, like sharks or North Korean submarines.
Candiru (penis fish)
While this fish looks innocent enough, if you ever pee in the Amazon river it will swim up your urine stream and into your penis. This fish is the Keyser Soze of monster animals — by the time you realize what's happening, it's already won. DON'T YOU GET IT?! Anything that's the Keyser Soze of ANYTHING is the worst kind of thing to be!
Ahem. Sorry. This fish makes me insane with fear so, you know, I get like that. The point is. Don't pee in the Amazon. Maybe just don't pee in any rivers.
Just don't pee.
While they're technically less dangerous than regular alligators, the gharials from India have this long nightmare of a needle jaw, which is probably good at getting his monsterous needle beak through tiny cracks like the one between your bed and headboard or the couch you're sitting on right now!
Do people surf the internet on the couch? I'm gonna assume they do.
GODDAMN IT WRINKLED BAT YOU LOOK LIKE TWO-FACE EXCEPT ALL OF YOUR FACE IS TWO-FACE.
I'm sure the wolffish has done good things with its life — raised a wolffish family, volunteered for the wolffish PTA, paid his wolffish taxes — but I will never be able to look at it and assume it's capable of good. This fish is evil incarnate. While Wikipedia says the wolffish is only dangerous to man when washed ashore and defending itself on land, I don't trust that AND COULD NEVER TRUST IT.
Apparently overfishing and bycatching has caused the wolffish to become a Species of Concern to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's National Marine Fisheries Service. While it's sad to see any species in decline, sometimes humans have to do unseemly things just to get by, like making Chinese children build iPads, producing a Fifty Shades of Gray movie, and war.
Which animal brought the most terror to your heart? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
By now you’ve probably heard that the Disney Channel is going to air a sequel to the 90’s series “Boy Meets World” called “Girl Meets World,” focusing on Cory and Topanga’s daughter and possibly even featuring the original, older cast. Which of course gets one to thinking what other shows from that decade should get their own pointless follow-up?
When we last left Balki and Cousin Larry, they had each gotten married, had kids, and were doing one final “Dance of Joy” for the studio audience. Years later they are still dancing wildly in a now empty, silent TV lot, having lost all control of their lower limbs and having been abandoned by families who longed for a life that didn’t constantly involve shouting, “Hey! Hey! Hey!”. Eventually a doctor examines the two and discovers they suffer from a very rare but extreme case of “restless leg syndrome.” The mismatched cousins then become roommates once again as they share a psychiatric ward space, enjoying such fun-filled adventures as repeatedly screaming at each other to stop doing the “Dance of Joy,” accidentally kicking each other and any passersby during the “Dance of Joy,” and failing every single attempt to get a newspaper columnist or sheepherder job by leaping into the interviewers’ arms at the end of the “Dance of Joy.”
A spin-off of “Perfect Strangers,” “Family Matters” was originally conceived as a gentle family-oriented sitcom and starring vehicle for the actor who played the cop in the original “Die Hard” movie. But then Steve Urkel arrived and quickly took over not only the entire show but also the whole Winslow family. And so we return almost 15 years after the series finale to find that Urkel is still in charge, now literally holding the family hostage in their Chicago home. Only now Urkel keeps angrily demanding that everyone in the house refer to him as “Thespian Jaleel White” and constantly acknowledge how the actor is so much more than that one character. And so in each episode the very frightened family members must suggest another role the self-proclaimed highly versatile actor can perform for them, from “Hamlet” to “Macbeth” to “Toys R Us Kid #7” he played in a 1984 commercial.
By now every actor from “Married…with Children” has gone on to enjoy continued success post-series finale…with the exception of David Faustino who played “Bud Bundy” in the series and probably went on to play “Bud Bundy” at supermarket openings, speaking engagements in which he was paid with food, and in erotic “Married…with Children” fanfiction the actor may very well post online. And so the sequel would find a now almost middle-aged Bud living alone in the Chicago suburb Bundy home, sitting on the couch, hand tucked into his pants, staring directly at the viewer in silence for minutes on end only to mutter occasionally how he should have saved his money or at least enrolled in a trade school.
“Saved by the Bell”
True, there already was “Saved by the Bell: The College Years,” in which all the characters amazingly attended the same university by apparently taking turns writing one college submission essay. And yes, there was “Saved by the Bell: The New Class,” in which Screech returned to Bayside High to toil for Principal Belding probably due to some delayed form of Stockholm Syndrome. And yes, there was even “Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas,” in which Zack and Kelly elope, perhaps with each other, perhaps while sh*tfaced drunk to Cirque du Soleil performers. But in “Saved by the Bell: New Career Paths” we would join the now late-thirtysomethings as they deal with layoffs by all attending the same adult education school…online. The screen would be split into six panels, each featuring a single cast member alone staring at their laptop in their home/apartment/elderly parents’ basement, taking classes, tweeting, downloading pictures of Jessie from “Showgirls.”
“Sabrina the Teenage Witch”
Like the proposed “Boy Meets World” sequel, the new “Sabrina the Exhausted Parent of a Teenage Witch” would focus on the main character’s child, who turns out to Voldemort. This would lead to such lighthearted hijinks as Sabrina’s cat Salem almost being digested by Nagini, Sabrina constantly having to clean up Voldemort’s messy room only to find pieces of her son’s shattered soul scattered everywhere, and Sabrina demanding her son stop hanging out with that clearly crazy goth chick Bellatrix because it’s lowering his test scores and raising his body count.
A new family moves into the old Tanner house in San Francisco only to find the entire original Tanner clan still holed up in the attic, living off the meager funds from Uncle Jessie’s Greek yogurt commercials and eBay sales of “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley” VHS tapes. And so now all the Tanners—Danny, Jesse, Joey, Donna, Stephanie, two Michelles, Rebecca, Nicky, Alex, and a stuffed Buddy the Dog—help raise the new family’s four children along with those parents, their grandparents, and that family’s friend who then gets married and has octoplets of his own until the entire house is inhabited by 106 characters and the police condemn it for massive illegal cohabitation and insufficient plumbing violations.
What would you like to see remade? Let us know in the comments!
At this very moment, millions of weird people are watching makeup tutorials from human beings who more closely resemble plastic dolls. Human dolls are a huge trend on YouTube, and "real life Barbie" Valeria Lukyanova is becoming the face of the movement.
The horrific, inhuman face of the movement.
But now, a website called The Dirty is accusing Lukyanova of using Photoshop and plastic surgery to acheive her doll-like visage. But Lukyanova is fighting back! She's, uh, posting pictures of herself on the internet.
You go to war with the tools you have, not the tools you want.
And let's be honest, posting pictures of herself is clearly how Lukyanova solves all of her problems. God help the Dairy Queen who puts whipped cream on her banana split that she ordered without whipped cream.
"You're going to feel awful for inconveniencing someone as photogenic as ME."
So is Valeria Lukyanova a fake? I mean, has she had plastic surgery? Almost for sure. But nobody was thinking she was born like this in the first place. Are her pictures Photoshopped? There is a difference between the photos and some of her videos, but in this video in particular, she looks A LOT like her photos.
What I would guess is going on here is that Lukyanova is a phenominal makeup artist, even if she isn't quite at the top of her craft. There are times when her eyes appear enormous, glassy, and other times when it's clear she's just drawn eyelashes on her face. But all those pictures, and in progeress videos, end up online. In other words, she puts up all her work, the good and the bad. I feel like Lukyanova isn't a "fake", she just hasn't been doing this long enough to be consistently great. Remember, even the best artists have unconvincing moments from time to time.
I mean, even Picasso made this stupid Guernica garbage.
Would you feel betrayed if this Barbie girl was a "fake"? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Man Transforms Himself into Human Ken Doll?
The Center for Disease Control Center for Disease Control and Homeland Security may claim that they’re just using the zombie trend to prepare people for possible disaster scenarios, but I don’t buy it. They don’t want to cause mass hysteria but obviously they know something is coming. Why do you think there are so many Zombie movies, video games, comics and books out right now? Because we like seeing bloody torsos and screaming hot chicks? Fools! It’s all a part of the plan. You may think I’ve gone mad Rockabilly Oompa Loompa with sporks for hands. But nobody will be calling me crazy when I’m the keeper of the Ramen. Muahahaha. HA. Ha. ha. OK! Here are some practical skills to learn before the inevitable.
1. Learn Parkour
Zombies may be fast or slow, but you know what they can’t do? Climb. They also can’t do the robot, but I would avoid rubbing that in when you’re one on one. You ever seen a grown zombie cry?
2. Make a Kit
In the aftermath we won’t be judged by the color of our skin or the content of our character. We will be judged by what we’re packing in our kits. Some will put first aid, can openers and matches, so obvious. My kit is going to include my replica of the Millennium Falcon and a grilled cheese press. I said I couldn’t live without either and NOBODY is going to call me a liar!
3. Get Used to Canned Food
The first person who says, “give peas a chance” gets thrown to the zombie horde.
4. Take Acting Classes
Most every single zombie movie has the one scene where our living characters have to play dead to outwit the teaming mass of undead. Why wait and leave your performance to your improv skills? Better yet go to Walmart and watch how the living dead do it right now.
5. Learn How To Use Household Objects As Melee Weapons
Everyone knows that to kill a zombie you have to deliver a headshot.
The obvious thing to do is learn how to shoot any kind of weapon, but once the ammo is depleted you’re going to go looking for something around you to use. Test yourself by looking around the room your in right now for something to grab and smash on the soft skulls of the decomposing corpse approaching. Try to resist the urge to practice on the soft skulls of your classmates/roommates/coworkers, you don’t want to get us sued.
6. Sever Ties With Loved Ones
Look, there’s going to come a time where you will have to kill the ones you love. Nana and Pop Pop don’t run very fast so you’re going to have to eventually take them out.
Why not just cut them and all your loved ones out right now so you have a head start not caring when you shoot them in the head. Wait, actually, most zombie film survivors learn that you have to work together and love one another to make it. Well, hedge your bets and just choose one person in your life and be a real d$%k to them. It couldn’t hurt.
How would you survive the Zombie Apocalypse? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!
I think Thanksgiving gets overlooked because a lot of people don't believe in magic turkeys. Let me tell you, though. They are out there. They exist. And if you're really good then Megaturkey will leave giblets under your pillow for good luck. He's not the only one that exists. Here are the most famous turkeys.
Turkey On Monica's Head (Friends)
I feel like this is really a great look for a person. My only disappointment with this episode is that The Monica, a turkey on your head, didn't catch on like The Rachel, Jennifer Aniston's hair cut. What a great world it would be if everyone was walking around with turkeys on their heads all the time. I finally wouldn't have to feel ashamed when I'm walking around my neighborhood with a turkey on my head.
Genetically Modified Turkeys (South Park)
These turkeys are not only dangerous. They are also very well organized. They're one of the bad guys in the South Park game for N64. Based on that research, I feel that our military should probably create cow guns to defend our towns from the oncoming turkey hordes.
The Macy's Parade Turkey is a chilling reminder of what turkeys would look like if we allowed them to grow to full size. We just couldn't have dinosaur sized birds running all over the countryside. We soon would lose all control over them and they would over run our society. Planet Of The Apes was wrong. It's really going to be Planet Of The Turkeys.
Turkeys with superspeed powers decide every year which city will be crowned The Turkey Capital Of The World: Cuero, Texas or Worthington, Minnesota. They have to raise some fast turkeys for this race because their town pride is on the line. For some reason, I always put my money on the line and lose all of my savings for the year. I really have a turkey gambling problem. At least it's only once a year.
Just more proof of the dangerous nature of turkeys. This is slasher film about a homicidal turkey. It's pretty bad, but in kind of a good way. Say what you will about it, but it is somehow popular enough to have a sequel. I hope it becomes a twenty movie franchise.
Who's your best turkey friend that never leaves your side? That's right. Hand turkey. Any time you want a visit from your friend, you can just put your hand down on a peice of paper and trace the outline of a turkey. Most of my fondest memories from high school are me and hand turkey just hanging out like best buds.
Which of these turkeys would you want to eat for Thanksgiving? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
There's always been a subtle rivalry between those interested in art those interested in sports. Art Kids think sports are dumb and pointless and and Sport Kids think art is bleak and depressing. And now we might know what's causing that split — a new study out of Boston College has linked student participation in arts with depression. Teens getting involved in theater, art, or music after school were more likely to describe mood problems like lack of motivation and sadness. The same study found teens were less likely to report such symptoms if they also played a sport, like, say, football.
Aw man, he's havin' a great ole' time! And I hate him for it.
This makes sense though, right? Being an artist means plumbing the depths of your soul, finding out hard truths about yourself and talking about them, conveying them to others. Take the student pictured below — Is she painting her inner turmoil?
Oh wait, no. It was a forest. A kind of sh*tty forest.
So it's a chicken and egg question — do depressives trend towards art or does art make us depressed? Speaking for myself, as a depressive, I think a lot of my negative feelings stem from feeling unimportant. So when I was a kid I emulated what was already important to me — namely Batman: The Animated Series.
This show was my JAM. Or rather, as much of a jam as a
slightly depressed seven year old can have.
Since I couldn't be Batman himself, I started writing and drawing for those characters. It made me feel important to be doing something that I found important, so I continued to pursue that feeling. A lot of weight was then put on the act of creating, and I thought of everything that didn't give me that feeling as worthless, boring, unimportant. Like, say, football.
Pictured: COSMIC INSIGNIFICANCE.
So for me, I was already feeling depressed when I began to trend towards art, but because I saw it as something I could do that would make me important. But I was only making Batman important. Why is that any more important than football? Ultimately, that game is made important by its players — their hope, anger, fear, passion. It reveals football as a deeply human game. The simple, stupid, impossibly difficult truth is that anything can be important, because when something matters to a human, it matters in and of itself. So while art can be attractive to depressives, what I found really helpful was discovering that even something I considered unimportant was in fact important.
And things got a little better when I started applying that kind of thinking to myself.
What do you think of the art/ sports distinction being drawn in this study? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 8 Amazing Artworks Created With School Supplies
When you're sitting down with your family today, obviously you're going to say you're thankful for video games. But what are video games thankful for? Let's find out!
Daisy is thankful for Mario, scoopin' up all the desirable ladies like Peach and Rosalina so she finally has a chance with some of the other men in the Mushroom Kingdom. "Yo Lakiutu," Daisy is sure to slur over the post-turkey wine, "whatchu up to tonight?"
Niko Bellic is thankful for AMERICA! Whre he can kill MANY people! Which is the AMEEEEEEEERICAN dream!
Commander Shepard is thankful for guns and alien babes and leveling up and spaceships and that car he drives around sometimes and he was GOING to say not the Geth but aww, Thanksgiving isn't a time for bad feelings! Also the Geth!
Of course Cortana, the artificial intelligence companion from the Halo series, is thankful fate put her together with Master Chief, the most efficent klilling machine in the whole UNSC. If she had ended up with literally any other soldier Cortana wouldn't be able to say quirky lines like "before this is all over, promise me you'll figure out which one of us is the machine"because she would clearly be the machine.
The star of Assassin's Creed 2 is thankful he didn't star in Assassin's Creed 3 because that game kind of sucks. It's like 95 percent tutorial and it is exhausting. Honest to God I am like six hours into Assassins Creed 3 and I'm just learning what the triangle button does.
Ico is thankful she has this bull-helmet guy here to rescue her. Or is Ico the guy? I don't know, I don't play this art game crap. CALL OF DUTY RULES.
Mr. Game and Watch
Mr. Game and Watch is thankful for the opportunity Super Smash Bros. gave him to be in a game again. Were it not for Smash Bros., Mr. Game and Watch would have been forgotten by history along with Blaster Master and that old racist guy from Gyromite.
GANONDORF IS THANKFUL FOR POWER, EVIL, HIS NEW iPHONE, AND DESTRUCTION.
Kratos is thankful for not only all the limbs he's ripped off the torsos of the innocent, but also all the limbs he has yet to rip off the torsos of the innocent.
PaRappa the Rapper
Y'all know Parappa's thankful for his muf*ckin GLOCK.
Which video game are you most thankful for? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
This is no joke, the funniest story of the year. The UK singer, Susan Boyle, has an album coming out and to promote its release, she invited everyone to join her for a listening party using a hashtag.
And what was that hashtag? #susanalbumparty. The only problem is that the hashtag was widely misinterpreted as Su's anal bum party.Yup. If there's one thing I don't want to think of doing with Susan Boyle it's an anal bum party, whatever that is.
Well, it wasn't long before Susan's hashtag started trending worldwide. Yes, for all the wrong reasons but hey, publicity is publicity. Just ask Kim Kardashain who got her own reality show after letting someone use her as a toilet.
The folks of Twitter quickly pounced on the gaffe, and made even more funnnies out of the already funny tweet. Some also took the time to tear Su's PR team a new one, so to speak. Talk about your anal bum party!
The tweet was eventually deleted by Susan's media team but it will always, ALWAYS live on in our hearts. Personally I think it might be a genius marketing scheme. I mean this has to be the most attention Susan' s had in years. Maybe she's being managed by Kris Kardashian now?
Isn't this the most hilarious story ever? Let me know if you'd attend Su's anal bum party @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Look, it’s not nice to make fun of people’s names. A lot of people have bad memories from childhood of people mocking them for something they had absolutely no control over. I get that. BUT FAMOUS ACTORS ARE RICH AND FAMOUS! So they can take it, because, news flash, money DOES buy you happiness. In that spirit of minor cruelty, here are 7 Actors With Ludicrous Names:
”Chord Overstreet”? Come on, man. That sounds like such a made up musician name, that if a character in, not just a movie, but a pornographic movie had that name, the director would say “Change that name, sounds too fake.”
This one sounds like a medical diagnosis. Doctor: “I’m sorry Mrs Johnson, but your Meester is Latent.” Mrs Johnson: “Oh, I loved her in ‘The Roommate’.”
I mean, if you take “J-Lo” approach to nicknames, where you take the first letter of the first name and first syllable of the last name, you end up calling this guy “Clutz”. Also, he shares a name with one of the losers on 30 Rock, so that doesn’t help things either.
Google “Minka”. You come up with a bunch of results for “Minka Kelly”, one for a former pornographic actress (don’t click that link), and also a wiki page explaining that “Minka’s” are private residences in Japan built in a number of traditional styles. No where on the page does a result come up for the origin of the name, because it is not a name. BEST CASE SCENARIO she is named after a Japanese house. And her middle name is “Dupont”, which is also weird.
I’m always skeptical of the first name “Jackson”, but things get so much worse when you realize his lastname sounds like a mythical artifact in a D&D game. “Wrathbone grants you +2 to strength, +4 when you are fighting someone who has wronged you.”
Samwise Gamgee was so excited to see the Timothy Olyphants that he didn’t even realize Faramir and his men had snuck up on them!
This one’s my favorite, because it sounds like the name of the disease the Elephant Man had. I just can’t believe “Gigandet” is the ream last name of some hulking, super handsome actor. It’s like if his name was “Granite Hulkchest” or something.
Parents, why can’t you get it together with the whole “naming” thing? Let us know in the comments!
As Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously wrote, “Hell is other people.” Nowhere is that truth more evident than when you’re surrounded by hateful people speaking hateful words. Words like “irregardless.” “Yummy.” And, like, “like.” This list is, by no means, definitive; as you, the reader, have shown me time and time again, these craptacular classics are only the tip of the irritating iceberg. (For more examples of awful, awful words, click here and here to read earlier articles in this series.)
Tummy. Belly. Basically any word that ends in the letter “y” and describes a body part is disgusting. Multiple Smosh readers singled this bad boy out as, uh, bad, and I can’t blame ‘em. The only thing grosser than tummies is what most people put in theirs. (Ham sandwiches? Are you serious? With mayonnaise? Barf.)
Wanna make someone’s skin crawl? Creep up behind them, lean over, and whisper the word “moist” into their ear. Works every time. Smosh reader Thomas Kaspar suggested this awful adjective, and apologized for “ruin[ing] my night" by doing so. Apology accepted, Kaspar, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly be able to forgive you.
Everybody hates LOL, and rightfully so – it’s one of the oldest internet acronyms of all time, and by far the most abused. According to Smosh reader Jellymoon (Jellymoon? LOL), "LOL is way overused. I literally saw on my Facebook, ‘Going to the store, LOL.’ What's so funny!?" Jellymoon’s right; there’s nothing funny about going to the store. Unless you’re going to one of those stores I just invented that specialize in paying people to fall down. Now, that would be a funny store experience.
The word “panties,” even when spoken by a non-creep, always sounds creepy as hell. Heck, even your kindly old grandmother could say the word “panties” and it would chill you to the bone. Smosh reader noone1381 says the word makes 'em feel "icky." Personally, I’d say it gives me the heebie geebies, but, y’know, toma-toe, tomah-toh.
If you’re, let’s say, feeling a bit under the weather, a belch can be the not-so calm before the storm. First you belch...and then you barf. Hearing someone say the word “belch” feels remarkably similar to belch-barfing – it’s downright stomach-churning. According to Smosh reader crthorsegirl, "Belch is a pretty gross word. I don't mind 'burp,' but 'belch' sounds...wet." Ugh. Wet. Pardon my shudder.
You Know What I Mean?
”You know what I'm talking about?” “You know what I'm saying?” “You know what I mean?” All three of these questions mean the same thing – absolutely nothing. If you’ve watched an episode of “Maury” in the past ten years, the number of times you’ve heard someone scream “You know what I’m saying?” after denying paternity is in the thousands. You know, you should really stop watching that crap.
TTYL, J/K, and LMFAO
According to Smosh reader Pikachu5656, acronyms like TTYL, LMFAO and J/K are "fine if you type them, but if you say them you sound stupid." I’d argue that both iterations of said acronyms are annoying as hell, but I get Pikachu5656’s point. These things are bad enough in print – when said aloud, however, they’re downright suicide-inducing.
Dude, you can’t just slap two words together and make a new word. That’s against the rules. Which is, along with the fact that it makes no sense, why guesstimate isn’t a word. Smosh reader Bubby4444 know’s what’s up. According to them, "it’s either ‘guess’ or ‘estimate.’ You can't just combine the two. That’s like Belieber – it's either believer or idiot." Day-um, Bubby4444! You go, dissin’ on those grammatical dummies and Bieber fanatics!
Agree with me? Disagree? What words do you despise, hot shot? Let me know in the comments!
I don't know about you but for me the Holiday Season officially kicks in when people start trampling each other to death to get a five dollar waffle iron at Walmart.Gotta love that Christmas spirit! But there are better ways to celebrate the holidays than by kicking a granny when she falls down in a Best Buy bum rush. Like watching some kickass cartoon Christmas episodes! Here's a looksie at 8 classics!
Christmas Who?--Spongebob Squarepants
I know it's mean to laugh at someone's sadness, but... is there a funnier moment than when Spongebob is depressed after Santa is a no-show and Squidward snaps a photo of his heartbreak? It's so deliciously Grinchey! It makes me feel less mean for taking pics of my uncle passed out and bloated on the sofa last night after gorging himself on Thanksgiving dinner.
Holly Jolly Secrets--Adventure Time
This is a totally epic 2-parter, where the Ice King's secrets are revealed via encrypted vlogs. Like Finn and Jake, I also can't help but feel 'a fleeting moment of empathy for the biggest weirdo in Ooo.' after hearing about the Ice King's long lost love Betty. I just don't celebrate the memory by wearing an ugly Christmas sweater every year. I don't even like those acrylic knit horror shows ironically.
Woodland Critter Christmas--South Park
Cute little critters who also worship Satan!? A baby Anti-Christ? The line 'Do you really think God would have sex with a porcupine?' Now this is my kind of Christmas episode. Full of blasphemy!
A Space Ghost Christmas
Space Ghost and Zorak singing Christmas songs are the best versions ever! I really miss this smartass show. And something we should all be thankful for? This edgy show was the launchpad for Adult Swim. GO TEAM VENTURE!
The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories
There is so much awesome in this episode. I mean they had me at Baby Jesus Bart! But Moe's tragic holiday suicide attempts are so darkly hilarious. Especially when he asks Barney to kill him in lieu of a gift. Luckily for all of us Moe lovers, Barney had already purchased a wool hat for Moe. It's kind of like that story The Gift of the Magi only way less inspirational.
A Tale of Two Santas--Futurama
Despite all of the presents and candy, sometimes Christmas can end up pretty routine and dare I say ...boring? How exciting would it be to see Bender and Robot Santa going on a rampage of destruction IRL?? And I think we can all agree that it would be awesome to have Zoidberg as our friend Jesus. So wrong...
A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas--Family Guy
Not only is this a super funny Christmas episode, this is one of the funniest Family Guy episodes of all time. I mean the only thing funnier than baby Jesus Bart is baby Jesus Stewie. And I think anyone who's ever been remotely bah humbug about the holiday season, has to enjoy Lois pushing George Bailey off of the bridge and melting Frosty the Snowman.
Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics- South Park
There's only one thing I love more than a variety show and that's a variety show hosted by a Christmas poo. The best part is playing the soundtrack on Christmas morning and seeing my great aunt as she sings along with sad Hitler on 'O Tannebaum". BEST. PRESENT.EVER.
What's your favorite animated Christmas episode? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments!
WTF dudes? This is an interesting dive to say the least...but what exactly is going on here? Give us a funny caption for this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 11/26/12 will not be considered. Good luck!
Rise Of The Guardians brings a new take on the superhero team story. Rather than have all of the members of this team get their powers from radioactive waste or super fancy science stuff, all of these characters are based on popular holiday icons. It's got some of the major players in there like Santa and the Easter Bunny. There are still a ton of really awesome characters that could have been in the movie, but got rejected for various reasons. Here are rejected Rise Of The Guardians characters.
Leprechaun (St. Patrick's Day)
There are tons of leprechauns to choose from in pop culture. There is one that stands out above the rest. I'm of course specifically talking about the Leprechaun from Leprechaun In The Hood. He would have been a great addition to the team. All they would have to do is hide his gold and then tell him that the bad guys have it. I think he got nixed from the team because he only speaks in horrible rhymes. It would be way too annoying.
Drunk Girl (Mardi Gras)
This character's powers are sort of lacking. They include flashing her breasts, fighting with her boyfriend, and passing out in a pile of vomit. She almost made the cut just because the Guardians only have one female member on the team. They didn't have enough bead money in the budget to pay her to join though. Maybe if this movie does well, they'll be able to afford her for the sequel.
Mokiko (Earth Day)
They really wanted Mokiko in the movie, but he only does one thing. Mokiko does the sloppy swish. That's just not enough range to star in an action franchise. Plus, his venom turns others in to sloppy swish dancing zombies. It might have ruined the movie, but would have made for a great dance number over the closing credits.
Mega Turkey (Thanksgiving)
Mega Turkey is the king of all turkeys. He's just too much of an on-screen presence to be tied down in a ensemble cast. Mega Turkey really deserves it's own movie. Maybe one day we will be so lucky to live in a world where a new Mega Turkey movie comes out every 6 months. I'll just have to keep waiting and hoping and putting giblets under my pillow every night.
Uncle Sam (Fourth Of July)
Uncle Sam might be one of the toughest holiday icons on this list. He was rejected because he was just a little too violent. If there is trouble, you know Uncle Sam is probably packing some pretty major heat. He's like a more festive version of The Punisher.
Baby New Year (New Year's Day)
Baby New Year is adorable. I think they really missed out by not including him in the movie. The top hat, the sash, the sassy attitude. That's just what a movie like this needs. I'm pretty sure they would have broken a bunch of child labor laws by making a baby perform all of his own stunts. We really need to do something about those laws. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
Chewbacca (Life Day)
I think it's important to include holidays from all cultures in a movie like this. That's why it is quite upsetting to me that the Wookie holiday of Life Day is completely unrepresented in the film. When will Wookies finally be recognized for their wonderful and rich culture by these fat cat Hollywood types that make these movies?
What other holiday heroes got rejected from Rise Of The Guardians? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
The student has surpassed the master. Psy has officially passed Justin Bieber's "Baby" as the most watched Youtube video of all time.
Psy celebrates his victory in typical Psy fashion, by standing nude from the waist down in the middle of a crowd of people.
Culture reporting magazine Slate dropped the bomb. While Bieber's "Baby" has just under 805 Million views, over the weekend Gangnam style pulled in with 815 Million views. This is great news and terrible news for Psy. Great in that his music is very popular, terrible in that with that many people knowing who he is privacy will no longer exist for him. No matter where he goes he will be beset by people who want autographs, pictures, handfuls of his hair, and every now and again, a sawed off chunk of one of his love handles.
Pictured above: Bieber fans gear themselves up to hurl themselves at Justin, capture him, stick him in a wicker man, and set said wicker man ablaze.
While Justin Bieber's "Baby" the previous record holder on Youtube is a song about, presumably, Justin Bieber stealing and then eating a baby; "Gangnam Style" is a not so veiled critique of capitalism and the materialism it inspires, tearing South Korean culture apart by dividing those that live there into haves and have nots. Although most people watching it just think it's funny that the fat Korean guy is dancing like that.
Materialist Americans everywhere enjoy Psy's humorous attack on their culture
What will be the next video to take the record for most views on Youtube? I don't know about you guys, but this video has my vote:
What would you do with Justin Bieber if you came upon him sleeping? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out The Funniest Reactions To Gangnam Style