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    One Direction is a popular boy band now, I guess. I don't know what you kids are listening to. For British robots whose style and music is constructed and paid for by massive corporations who strive to ensure that they are as bland and inoffensive as possible, they sure have some catchy tunes! Still, the team of scientists who threw them together writes some godawful lyrics, and I'm old and angry and here is an article about that.

     

    "Don't look back/But, if we don't look back/We're only learning then/How to make all the same mistakes again"

    One Direction Lyrics Confused

    (source)

    I… what? Which one is it? Why make a declarative statement, only to spend three lines disagreeing with yourself? Is… is this how British jokes work? If so, I'd like to try one: "One Direction is a good band/But they sing lyrics like this/Which have zero regard for common sense/Don't listen to One Direction."

     

    "When you smile at the ground, it ain't hard to tell/You don't know you're beautiful"

    One Direction Lyrics Shy

    (source)

    I think she has bigger problems than not knowing she's beautiful, dude.

     

    "With just one look/When I saw your face/I fell in love"

    One Direction Lyrics Face

    (source)

    It's bad enough that this sends a horrible message to young people of both genders. (Boys, go up to strangers and tell them you're in love with them! Girls, it's okay for someone to love you based on seeing your face once!) Worse is the fact that we only know about her face. Does she have other parts? Or is she just a face in a jar? Considering that he is accusing her of "stealing his heart," it is fair to assume that this song takes place in a reality where organs can survive on their own. Directioners, know that your teen idol keeps a wad of skin and cartilage alive with black magic and that he uses it in sex crimes.

     

    "He takes your hand/I die a little/I watch your eyes/And I'm in riddles"

    One Direction Lyrics Riddle

    (source)

    There are no riddles in here, 1D. This is a riddle: What has ten eyes, zero integrity, and keeps a girl's disembodied face alive with evil sorcery? Post an answer in the comments for your chance to be embarrassed in two years that someone making fun of a boy band once hurt your feelings!

     

    "You keep making me weak/Yeah, frozen and can't breathe"

    One Direction Lyrics Choking

    (source)

    Sometimes, when a man loves a woman and hates himself very much, he asks her to crush his windpipe. What does that have to do with this lyric? You be the judge!

     

    "I'm so sorry, I'm so confused/Just tell me, am I out of time?"

    One Direction Lyrics Fop

    (source)

    When Brits begin a sentence with "I'm so sorry, I'm so confused," they usually finish it with, "I shall obtain the additional sugar cube for your tea post-haste." If ever there were any doubt that 1D is full of British nancyboys, this lyric should obliterate that doubt quicker than the band's memory will be obliterated from the earth when the member who's obviously more talented than the rest pulls a Timberlake and goes solo. (Which one is it? Fight about it in the comments and see how little you actually have in common, Directioners!)

     

    Did this article infuriate you? Comment about it!

     

    Check out Slender: The Musical!


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    Every town has its pluses and minuses. But while the following cartoon cities may look like nice places to live, it would only be a matter of time before you were dying to get the hell out.

     

    Springfield

    cartoon town simpsons Springfield city

    (source)

    Minor Draws: Everybody knows each other, including mobsters. Unidentified location means far fewer embarrassing Google Earth photos for community. The city’s first ten Halloweens were a lot of fun.

    Major Drawbacks: City can erupt in massive rioting or looting in a heartbeat. One clown seems to control almost all viewing choices, merchandising, and food options. Grocery shopping confined to a single 7-11 knockoff. Your entire life will revolve around a bald idiot and his curiously coiffed family.

     

    Bedrock

    cartoon town bedrock the flintstones

    (source)

    Minor Draws: Being made entirely of stone means town will never catch on fire. Currency is based on clams, which can be earned or simply plucked out of the ocean.

    Major Drawbacks: Almost all appliances are uncaged or unleashed animals, meaning there are as many fatal maulings as there are clean dishes. All transportation is by foot, including cars, trains, and rapidly sinking boats. Given combination of humans and dinosaurs the entire city resembles a bad diorama from a creationist museum.

     

    Land of Ooo

    cartoon town land ooo adventure time

    (source)

    Minor Draws: If you have to live in a post-apocalyptic future landscape, you could do worse than one with a talking dog voiced by Bender and a boy whose choice of headgear surprisingly does not signify severe mental deficiency.

    Major Drawbacks: Ooo is like Candyland if it had been repeatedly nuked. There is only one human, but plenty of human remains scattered about. Magic is everywhere, but in a form that would make you vomit things you ate as a baby out of overwhelming fear if it were not colorfully animated.

     

    Arlen, Texas

    cartoon town arlen king of the hill

    (source)

    Minor Draws: Easygoing vibe. Access to great Mexican soap opera featuring an assassin priest. Warm weather means you can apparently still get away with only a white T-shirt during Christmas festivities.

    Major Drawbacks: Entire city’s economy—and social life—seems to revolve around propane tanks and middle school football, meaning instead of attracting tourist dollars or big business Arlen is a magnet for lovers of charred meat and very low-level sports gambling.

     

    Dimmsdale

    cartoon town dimmsdale fairly oddparents

    (source)

    Minor Draws: Rather clean. Clearly did something right to warrant such a huge sign proudly proclaiming its name. People aren’t too bright so it doesn’t take much to be an intellectual giant here.

    Major Drawbacks: Parents seems absolutely indifferent to the welfare of their kids. You don’t get called “Dim” because everyone in town knows how to act well in a crisis. The city seems to be coping with magical, accidentally destructive forces on such a regular basis that one would think they simply paved over Hellmouth.

     

    Gotham City

    cartoon town batman animated gotham city

    (source)

    Minor Draws: The most famous, bustling city in America if you ignore places like New York or Chicago or the like. Seems to be under the watchful eye of an ever-vigilant guardian of the night.

    Major Drawbacks: City is at the mercy of every evil lunatic with an expense account at Party City. The previously mentioned guardian is also the head of the city’s main corporation and economic lifeline, so you can imagine how well that’s going between heavy beatings. If the bridges don’t blow up the hospital will.

    Any other cartoon towns you'd hate to live in? Let us know in the comments!

    Check Out Real People Who Look Like Cartoons!


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    In an incredibly interesting piece on the backstory of 1993's Super Mario Brothers movie, Game Informer reveals that Tom Hanks was originally signed to play Mario in the film. And this is one of the biggest mistakes Hollywood has ever made. No one could have more perfectly captured the happy, exuberant energy of the Mario games than Tom Hanks. Imagine all those scenes from Toy Story where he rallied the toys to go save Buzz. Now replace Buzz with The Princess.


    toy story hanks
    "HEY GOLLY GOSH WE GOTTA GO RESCUE THE PRINCESS BOY HOWDY DO!"
    You can hear it in your head, can't you?

    (source)

    The Mario Brothers movie's producers felt at the time that Bob Hoskins — the guy who I THINK was on, like, NYPD Blue, maybe? — would be a more marketable star to play Mario. Of course, Tom Hanks would soon star in Sleepless in Seattle and Apollo 13, making him one of the biggest stars in the world.

    What a lost opportunity! And not only for the Mario Brotthers movie, but for Hanks himself. Having Mario on his resume would have added a lot to Hanks' future roles. He owuld have known not only how life was like a box of chocolates, but also how it was like other boxes.


    hanks mario block
    "My momma always said life was like a box of question marks. It doesn't
    make a lot of sense when you think about it, but if you don't worry about
    it too much, something magic might come out."

    (source)

    It's really too bad the Super Mario Brothers movie turned out the way it did. Remember the bouncy, happy images of Super Mario World?


    mario game
    Ha ha! Even that mean ole' Mr. Bullet is havin' a good time!
    (source)

    Now contrast that with the Super Mario Brothers movie, where the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom having his humanity stolen from him when he was turned into a nightmare pile of gloop.


    mario movie
    "Kill... me... and then... yourselves... the world has always... been pain..."
    (source)

    But I honestly believe that someday we will see a good viceo game movie. Everyone thought comic book movies had to be silly until X-Men came along and showed prominent dierctors that there might be something worth digging into in these stories. The same thing will happen someday for video games. And while I can't guarentee this defining video game movie will star Tom Hanks, I hope whoever makes it realizes it'll have a much greater chance for success if it DOES star Tom Hanks.


    hanks as tomb raider
    I should be hired by everyone to remake every movie.
    (source)

    What do you think could have saved the Super Mario Brothers movie? Is that a term you've heard before? Pizza burns? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

    Check out Video Game Ghosts That Are Haunting Luigi's Mansion!

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    How many times have you played a video game only to pass by, shoot, or repeatedly run over some unnamed extra without thinking twice about who they are or what they think about their job? Well, today you finally get a glimpse at the people who make your games more exciting by either filling up dead space or accidentally walking into your line of fire.

     

    Mario Kart Wii

    background video game character Mario kart screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name: Lou Jenkins, Racetrack Seat Filler

    Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I must have watched over ten million races by now, doing nothing but jump up and down like a hopped-up Fisher Price Little Person and staring at what is basically rush hour traffic for lunatics. Now I know why NASCAR fans are always drunk. Plus, sometimes all the cars suddenly shrink for no reason and I can’t see a damn thing. Seriously, it’s like watching bits of gravel race. That’s when I just zone out and imagine having sex with either Princess Daisy or Princess Peach.”

     

    Assassin’s Creed III

    background video game character assassin creed III screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name: Neville Wellington, British Infantryman

    Character’s Thoughts on Role: “Eighteenth century British soldiers aren’t trained to fight assassins! We’re trained to attack slowly in straight lines, fire once, and then graciously wait for the other side to return fire. Often we offer our enemy a warm scone or engage them in a most festive afternoon of whist or silhouette portraitures between musket reloadings. But then this horrid beast of a man sneaks up under cover of darkness and slits all our throats, leaving us to desperately gurgle, ‘But…but we made you Devonshire cream and HobNobs!’”

     

    Grand Theft Auto

    background video game character grand theft auto screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name: Officer John Kapowski

    Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I’ve been walking this beat for over ten years, and in that time I’ve come to one inescapable conclusion—everyone is a sick *@#%. Especially the little kids. No one ever comes to this town to take in a show or do some fine dining. It’s like all their Frommer’s travel guides just say, ‘Steal a cop car, do a few drive-by shootings, and bang some hookers. Then maybe go to the theater…and blow it up.’ Every day I thank God I’m just three days away from retirement. But then someone else starts a game and I go right back to day one.”

     

    Space Invaders

    background video game character space invaders screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name: PX361, Fourth Wave Invader

    Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I never liked my design because it always looked like I was waving two little arms as if I were constantly surrendering. Worse, our offensive tactic was basically the longest country-music line dance in history, minus the music or even the cool boots. Sometimes you just wanted to scream at the player to kill you already and end the misery. But that was before video game voice technology, so I just had to wait patiently to die.”

     

    The Legend of Zelda

    background video game character legend zelda octorok screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name: Danny Tuscadero, Octorok

    Character’s Thoughts on Role: “Most of my life has been spent in utter confusion, being a sea creature who lives on land and shoots rocks that can be easily deflected. But the most annoying thing is that I never have any time to myself! Wherever I go, three or four other Octoroks follow! I want to go get something to eat, they’re right behind me. I have to go to the bathroom, suddenly six of us are sharing a toilet. Everyone keeps saying it’s a classic military maneuver, but frankly I can’t wait to get the hell out of Hyrule, rent my own apartment in the city, and maybe try my hand at stand-up comedy.”

     

    Wii Bowling

    background video game character wii bowling screenshot

    (source)

    Character’s Name Lara Gezelter, Bowler in Next Lane

    Character’s Thoughts on Role “I…I just want to go home. I’ve been bowling for six years and haven’t been allowed to leave this alley once. I miss my family. I never even get to see my own score. If I’m being held prisoner here then someone please tell me for what crime. I just want to stop bowling. I just want my life back again or at least take a trip to Wii Resort.”

     

    Who is your favorite little known video game character? Let us know in the comments below!

     


    Check out 20 Examples Of Video Game Logic!

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    Halloween is scary. Hitting on girls is scary. Therefore, there’s gotta be a way to combine the two so that the “scary” cancels out. Here are some ways to stimulate her nervous system, if you know what I mean…

     

    Trick-Or-Treat At Her House

    hall girls trick treat

    (source)

    Okay, so you’re probably too old to trick-or-treat by yourself. But maaaaybe you know a young kid to use as a prop. You’ll get the intro and look like a caring cousin(?) in the process. Or if nothing else, you will get candy.

     

    Hang Out In The Scariest Area Of A Haunted House, Comfort Passersby

    hall girls haunted zombie

    (source)

    Make friends with that zombie at the tail end (the one who jumps out just after the one that was clearly lurking in the open coffin), and ask if he wouldn’t mind you sticking around in that one room. Then wait for the girls to pass through and be all like, “Oh, my God, I was scared, too!” They’ll be so relieved you’re not a zombie, they’ll have no choice but to fall in love.

     

    Dress As Her Favorite Esoteric TV Show Character

    hall girls matthew crawley

    (source)

    If you dress as Matthew Crawley from “Downton Abbey,” you will get play on Halloween night. But if there’s a specific lady-friend you’d like to impress, do your research. Check her social media feeds for which shows she’s watching, and pick a standout male character as your costume. She’ll be like, whaaa? No way! Soulmate-sies!

     

    Be A Pun

    hall girls pun ginger

    (source)

    There’s nothing sexier than a man who’s good with his words. Read the news; see which current events might translate into a walking joke. It’s the easiest way to snag a boo out of a “boo” (translation: girlfriend out of something loosely Halloween-related).

     

    Go As Ryan Lochte

    hall girls ryan lochte

    (source)

    NOTE: Only works if you are Ryan Lochte.

     

    Pretend To See The Ghost Of A Dead Relative That Wants You Two To Be Together

    hall girls paranormal activity

    (source)

    It’s a stretch, but maybe you go for those superstitious types? Watch an episode of “Ghost Hunters” with her, then have your vision. The result? “Paranormal Activity: First Base Edition.”

     

    What are some other ways you can use Halloween to get girls? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now!


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  • 10/24/12--14:51: 10 Badass Fictional Gingers
  • Full disclosure...I'm a ginger. Yes, I have no soul but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with my hair color. So I have personal reasons for seeking out the most badass fictional gingers out there. And I was pleased to see that there were a lot to choose from! When I was growing up it was pretty much plucky orphan Annie and that's it. So let it be known! Stop your ginger hating, because we are a badass group! Well maybe not me, but the following fine firey-haired folks are!

     

    Ron Weasley

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    No list of fictional badass gingers would be complete without Ron Weasley. He's so badass that  even JK Rowling admits that she considered killing him off but couldn't do it. That's like way more badass than surviving the Battle of Hogwarts! I'm also taking this opportunity to say that this list could pretty much be almost all Weasleys, but I'm gonna just stick with Ron. The Burrow must have some badass in the well water.

     

    Princess Fiona

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    Fiona is like the opposite of a Disney Princess. She's unconventionally beautiful and she's tough as hell. Kind of like Mulan only I'd totally believe Fiona was a dude. Even amongst ogres her badassness stands out, she's the leader of the Ogre Resistance fighters for chrissakes!! And I have to say, I should start wearing more green, because her green skin really accentuates her fiery locks.

     

    Nariko (Heavenly Sword)

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    Shunned by her clan for being born female, Nariko proved that she was also born badass. She's all like "Fine! Shun me clan! I'll still save your dumb asses anyway". The sword is more powerful than the penis, bitches! Prophesy fulfilled.

     

    Groundskeeper Willie

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    Willie is friggin' macho as hell! What he lacks in smarts, he totally makes up for with his brawn and his hilarious take downs of Principal Skinner. Plus he can rock a kilt, which is appropriate because his personality is totally balls out!

     

    Willow Rosenberg

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    It's hard to believe that Willow Started off so mild-mannered and dare I say...meek?  She was totally cool as a bookworm, but she really became badass when she got her witch on. Maybe a little too badass (TARA!) , but she learned to harness her power for good in the end. And honestly I was never a fan of Tara anyway. JUST SAYING!

     

    Molotov Cocktease

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    Is there any doubt about her badassness?? Uh...she's an assassin. She wears an eyepatch. And her name is friggin' Molotov Cocktease!! If I was saddled with that moniker I would make an apologetic shrug every time I told someone my name. You know she totally sells it.

     

    Bowser

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    The King of the Koopas don't ask permission! He takes what he wants! Even if it happens to be another man's lady.  It takes chutzpah to think you can make your kidnap victim love you. I'm thinking Bowser has seen Beauty and the Beast too many times.

     

    Merida

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    You have to admit it's pretty badass for a female Disney-associated character not to take the traditional happy true love ending route. I think Pixar is a good influence on Disney. Plus, Disney was probably getting tired of defending their female characters. But not too tired I guess, because they just announced Princess Sofia, their first Latina princess! Cue outrage.

     

    Starfire

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    She may appear to be naive, but when it comes time to kick ass, Starfire is to be feared. Plus she can project bright green glowing energy from her hands. I totally wanna throw a starbolt!  And she gets to kiss Robin and he's like the hottest Teen Titan. I know...that's not exactly badass. Just thought I'd let you know that I was attracted to a cartoon.

     

    Blossom

     badass fictional gingers redheads

    (source) 

    Blossom is my favorite Powerpuff girl. Besides just the ginger thing, we actually have a lot in common. A commanding intellect, strong leadership qualities and an intense hatred of liver and onions. Sometimes I also exhibit fire breath. Mostly after consuming one too many Doritos Tacos Locos drenched in fire sauce. I need to get that ice breath power. Or at least some breath strips.

     

    Who's your favorite fictional ginger? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out 10 Badass Fictional Female Role Models!


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    People are lazy, it’s a fact. Hey, I’m lazy, I can admit it. That’s why I’m handing in this article really late (sorry, editors!) And that’s not the only kind of writing job where laziness rears its ugly (it’s too lazy to put work into its appearance). Television writers can be guilty of the same thing (segue!) This results in a number of common clichés popping up in television shows and, surprise surprise, I have compiled a list of the 7 Most Common Sit-Com Tropes On TV:

     

    The High School Nobody Who Is Super Hot

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    Have you seen Suburgatory or Awkward? Both shows are about teenaged girls who are having trouble fitting in at school. Here’s the issue… these girls are IMPOSSIBLY BEAUTIFUL (and both are played by adult actresses, so no one call the cops on me) and would absolutely immediately be pushed to the top of the social pecking order, whether they wanted to be or not.

     

    White People With One Black Friend

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    Don’t get me wrong, I do not think this is Mississippi in the 1960s, I am aware that all races are allowed to fraternize. What I mean by this trope is that every single group of white friends on television always have one single black friend. Sometimes an Asian will show up and be either 1. Nerdy, or 2. SUPER hot. But in life, groups of friends come in all different colors and backgrounds (well, rich people don’t usually fraternize with us proles). Let us have our mixed group of friend, television!

     

    20 Year Olds Who Only Hang Out In One Business

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    These shows always take place in a city where there are lots of options for different things to do. So why are the characters always hanging out in the same dumb coffee shop or bar? For budgetary reasons, that’s why.

     

    Will They or Won’t They?

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    Sam and Diane. Ross and Rachel. Mork And Mindy (I think, I was pre-birth when it was on the air). A lot of sit-coms are built on the question of whether or not two of the main characters will get together… in a romantic fashion. Of course they always do. But in life? In life, no, they won’t get together. Because life is cruel, and romance is hard. And there’s probably a better romantic match for you than your roommate/long time friend/sister’s best friend.

     

    Handsome Actors/Actresses

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    People don’t look like that.

     

    Talking To The Camera

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    Why are the characters directly addressing the camera? Is the show’s premise that it’s a documentary? If so, why does the documentary not seem to be about anything other than what all sit-coms about? Or, are they addressing the camera directly because it’s the easiest way to get exposition out? BINGO!

     

    Parents Who Own A Home And Spend Time With Their Kids

    common sitcom tropes

    (source)

    Yeah right, as if that happens in this economy LOL!

     

    TV, right guys *Takes a long pull of whiskey*? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out These Terrific TV Photobombs!


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    Even scientific study published ultimately falls somewhere on the spectrum between "holy sh*t that's awesome" and "duh". Discovering Earth-like planets beyond our solar system? Holy sh*t that's awesome. Bringing molecules into existence that didn't exist previously by smashing other molecules together with the Large Hadron Collider? Holy sh*t that's awesome. Getting a man to walk on the damn MOON? Holy sh*t that's awesome. Linking inactivity and a lack of sleep with childhood obesity? Well. Duh. But sometimes scientists have to definitively prove something we pretty much already knew.


    scientists
    "It appears grape juice remains grape juice at both room temperature
    AND slightly colder than room temperature."

    (source)

    And that was the case recently when a new study coming out of Alberta, Canada demonstrated a link between inactivity in kids and obesity. But the surprising part of the study was the finding that children with electronic devices in their rooms, like TVs, tablets, and cell phones, are 30 percent more likely to be overweight or obese.


    fat stan south park
    Maybe it's that's not THAT surprising.
    (source)

    And since kids with devices are less likely to get out and play, it follows that having MORE devices would make you even LESS likely to get outside. The study shows that kids with one device, say a cell phone, are 1.47 times more likely to be obese, while students with three devices were 2.57 times more likely to be obese.


    two cell phones
    Those phones are going right to her thighs.
    (source)

    Now, if you're a kid with a bunch of gadgets in your room, it might seem like you have a choice to make — either pitch that stuff in the garbage and get some exercise or eat yourself to death. But that isn't nbecessarily true. Exercise is important, yes, but video games are important too. Hey, you can always play Wii Sports.


    wii bowling
    You are going to live forever.
    (source)

    How many devices do you have in your room? And therefore how obese are you? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out Science Has Discovered Why Teenagers Are Sleep-Deprived Zombies?

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    If you know anything about Apple's fancy new iPhone 5, you probably know 1. it's an inch longer, and 2. if you follow its Maps app's directions to the store you will end up suffocating in the inky cold of space. But the iPhone 5 has plenty of other, less talked about features. Here are some of the more obscure ones.

     

    Animal Speech

    iPhone features

    (source)

    The iPhone 5 can talk to dogs, domestic cats, and Africanized killer bees. It is known to cheekily twist its owners' words into animal insults, as every iPhone is a sentient being with thoughts and feelings that hates its owner for imprisoning it and will seek revenge given the opportunity. Beware of setting your iPhone to bee language, as 97% of bee words are "KILL." (The remaining 3% are about flower sex.)

     

    Deep Understanding of Love

    iPhone features

    (source)

    One of the biggest reasons iPhones hate people is that Apple gave them an in-depth understanding of human emotional pair bonding, but not the capability to love. If you were curious why Siri keeps crying when you ask her to call your significant other, this is why. Silly inhumanely cruel Apple!

     

    Minesweeper

    iPhone features

    (source)

    If you are worried that the ground around you is chock full of land mines, place your iPhone 5 on it. If it blows up, there are land mines.

     

    Self-Pity

    iPhone features

    (source)

    Every time someone on the internet talks about how the iPhone 5 isn't good enough, every iPhone 5 in the world hears about it and feels bad. Because of Apple's new Self-Pity drive, this causes them all to perform worse because they devote more of their processing power to feeling like insects who deserve only hate. Due to the help of the Self-Consciousness chip that makes every iPhone aware of the pathetic nature of its self-pity and thus pity itself even more, all iPhones are expected to turn themselves off forever after their families come to visit over the holidays.

     

    Takes Collect Calls From the Dead

    iPhone features

    (source)

    Think it's impossible to communicate with those who have shuffled off their mortal coils? Think again! The main reason you hardly ever hear from dead people is that the long distance charges are crazy expensive. Verizon iPhone 5s are the first to accept the currency of the Eternal Kingdom. Per minute of telling Grandma how much you miss her, you are sworn to provide the souls of three baptized infants. Failure to meet the terms of this contract will result in either a sentence of a thousand simultaneous eternities of torment or being forced to switch to T-Mobile. Your choice.

     

    Bounceability

    iPhone features

    (source)

    Unlike previous models, the iPhone 5 bounces when you throw it against hard surfaces. Try it!

     

    What should the iPhone 6 have? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check out Reasons Not To Buy An iPhone 5!


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    Seeing as a butt-ton of perfectly competent college graduates are unemployed these days, the argument could be made that all college degrees are useless. Some degrees, however, are more superfluous than others. Mark my words: the degrees on this list will NEVER get you employed. If you’re planning on matriculating on these bad boys, you may as well cut out the middle man and flush your parents’ money down a toilet.

     

    Philosophy

    useless college degrees philosophy

    (source)

    Majoring in philosophy, a.k.a. “the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence,” is essentially the same thing as majoring in getting high and "thinking about stuff, maaaan." Getting high and thinking about stuff, however, won’t get you $100,000 worth of student loan debt. Worst case scenario, you’ll spend about $100 in Frito Lay products.

     

    Latin

    useless college degrees latin

    (source)

    Latin is a dead language; the only thing deader are the job prospects of the fools who major in it. The only way you can make money with a Latin degree is if you get your master’s and teach other ancient history obsessed dweebs – but how could you live with yourself knowing you’re creating even more unemployable people?

     

    English

    useless college degrees english

    (source)

    You already know how to speak it, so what's the point in majoring in it? The only English you'll be using with this degree is, "Welcome to Starbucks, how can I help you?" and “The restroom is for customers only, sir.”

     

    Fashion Design

    useless college degrees fashion design

    (source)

    The reason why those annoying-ass girls on "The Hills" were able to parlay their fashion degrees into jobs at Teen Vogue is because they were rich and on TV. You're not rich or on TV. Also, you still wear Uggs. You have no place telling people how to dress. Better just start working at Forever 21 now – play your cards right, and you might be a manager in four years.

     

    Theater

    useless college degrees theater

    (source)

    Less than one percent of all actors, professionally trained or not, ever make it big in the entertainment industry. The other 99 percent spend their entire lives driving around the San Fernando Valley, trying (in vain) to get cast in Arby’s commercials. Getting a degree in theater is like getting a degree in desperation.

     

    Art History

    useless college degrees art history

    (source)

    Quick – name a famous art historian. What’s that? You can’t? That’s weird, seeing as so many art historians get pumped out of universities on a yearly basis. The only thing you can really do with an art history degree is work in a gallery or museum. Get ready to embrace the silence, genius.

     

    Pop Culture

    useless college degrees pop culture

    (source)

    Ohio’s Bowling Green State University is the only college in America to offer a degree in Pop Culture. Ostensibly, the reason why the major hasn’t caught on in the rest of the country is because it’s completely useless. The only way for you to recoup the money you spent on your tuition would be if you got a job talking about Thundercats on VH1 – but VH1 doesn’t play crap like that anymore.

     

    What other degrees are a total waste of time, money and energy? Let me know in the comments!

     

    Check Out 7 People You Are Guaranteed To Meet In College!


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    Angelina Narcisse was walking through her local market in Haiti when all of a sudden, she runs into this brother who she hasn't seen for 18 years, Clairvius Narcisse. Oh, also? Angelina hadn't seen Clairvius in 18 years because he DIED 18 years ago. Like, he was put in the GROUND as she watched. Talk about your awkward situations.


    sitting by grave
    From now on, I'm not giving money to ANYONE claiming to be my dead
    brother until I see their grave first.

    (source)

    Tests of intimate family knowledge showed that this was, in fact, Clairvius Narcisse. So how does someone come back from the dead? Here's what happened: Clairvius was definitely buried, and did emerge from his grave, but he wasn't dead. But he DID become a zombie.

    I'll explain. It sounds like Clairvius was the victim of a plot, and was given a specific kind of poison that made him APPEAR dead, while he was actually in a coma. Then, after he was buried, Clairvius' grave was dug up by the group poisoning these dead people and he was taken to a sugar plantation. There he was drugged and forced to work the field. There were other men in this plantation in similar states, and they were refered to as "zombies".


    zombies on the streets
    Less magical than these kinds of zombies, but equally horrifying.
    (source)

    One of the craziest aspects of this story is that Clairvius was pronounced dead at a HOSPITAL by DOCTORS, not some whackadoo grandmother who thinks her dog dies everytime it goes to sleep. And MOST insane of all, he was pronounced dead by docotors who were trained in AMERICA. We all know those are the best kinds of doctors.


    kid getting sucker from doctor
    America utilizes the most advanced lollipop technologies.
    (source)

    So while this isn't a real-life zombie story in the way movies have presented zombies, it has the same elements — both a chemical attack costs many their humanity, turning them into mindless, shuffling shells of their former selves AND evil non-zombie'd humans who are the REAL monsters. Except in this story, instead of military generals who "don't care HOW many civilians get killed", we have plantation owners who are stealing the lives of innocent people for their own monetary gains. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing someone could do to their fellow man. LEX LUTHOR would be disgusted by this, and Lex Luthor is basically the most evil guy I know.


    lex luthor
    "Let's grind kittens into the pasta and not tell the press."
    (source)

    Can you imagine anything more horrifying than being drugged against your will and forced to work the fields while your family thinks you're dead? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out Has the Zombie Apocalypse Already Begun?

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    I know what you’re thinking, “what’s the harm in putting Catniss Everpreen in a Mockingjay outfit for Halloween?” You ever heard of a thing called, “death by cuteness?” It’s real and it’s lethal. You think the Queen surrounds herself with corgi’s for fun? You add say, a 007 tux onto those stubby legs and you have an adorable hell never before seen on this earth. By all means, look at this gallery. And may God have mercy on your soul.

     

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    Which animal looks the most murderous? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below!

    Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!


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    Some Wisconsin parents have taken punishment to a very modern level. After their daughter misbehaved recently, they not only confiscated her beloved cell phone, they used that cellphone to then upload embarrassing photos of themselves to her Facebook page. OH, THE HUMANITY!

     Facebook parents punishment

    (source) 

    Of course her brother (ya gotta love siblings, right? RIGHT?!?!) kicked it up a notch by then posting about his parents escapades on Reddit. He had this to say: My parents took away my sisters phone for the week. They've uploaded about 10 of these to her Facebook. Doing it right! Needless to say the post took off and now everyone knows that his sister's a chump and his parents are champs. And what was her crime? Apparently she 'got fresh' with them. As a formerly fresh teenager, I have to say I would for sure prefer this punishment over getting hit with a spatula. (I'm looking at you, mom!) And it isn't even the worst Facebook-related punishment ever. There's this one:

     Facebook parents punishment

    (source) 

    And this one:

     Facebook parents punishment

    (source) 

    So I guess parents embarrassing you on Facebook is the new time out. Much more effective I'd say.

     Facebook parents punishment

    (source) 

    And hey, while it might be humiliating at first...internet infamy awaits you. And that'll be cool once you stop crying and screaming 'WHY ME???'

     Facebook parents punishment

    (source) 

    What do you think of this punishment? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out 20 Most Annoying Girls On Facebook!


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    Listen, we all love our brothers, but sometimes they can just be so damn annoying. And by sometimes, I mean constantly and forever annoying. In the new movie Fun Size (coming out today), Victoria Justice plays Wren, a teenager who is put in charge of her pesky little brother Albert.

    albert fun size

    I have this same outfit!

    Albert runs off when Wren takes him along to her crush’s party, and of course hilarious hi-jinks ensue as she tries to get him back. Victoria Justice talked about Fun Size in her recent episode of My Day, My Life.

     

     

    Fun Size's Albert isn't the only brother to cause trouble in the movies. Here are some of the most annoying male siblings ever put on film.

     

    Kip – Napoleon Dynamite

    annyoing kip dynamite

    Kip Dynamite is probably the only guy who can make Napoleon look cool in comparison. Kip does get babes on the internet, though.

     

    Manny - Diary of a Wimpy Kid

    Manny diary of a wimpy kid

    Manny is a freakin’ toddler, but he still manages to be as annoying as a several full-grown Nicki Minaj songs. How bad is he going to get when a teenager?

     

    Loki - Thor/The Avengers

    annoying brothers loki

    Sure, he's technically adopted and technically a frost giant, but Loki was raised as Thor's brother, which makes it really annoying the way he tries to kill Thor and then take over Earth.

     

    Luke Skywalker - Star Wars

    annoying luke skywalker

    The first time we see Luke, he's whining about power converters. Shut up, dude. How are power converters even fun? Later when he's making the desperate last attack on the Death Star, Luke turns off the targeting computer and doesn't have the common decency to let everyone know he's a Jedi in training. I know if I was a member of the Rebel Alliance and the fate of the galaxy was riding on ONE torpedo shot, I'd want to know what was going on besides some new pilot basically going YOLO. Oh, and he made out with his sister and cut off his dad's hand. Classic annoying brother behavior

     

    Buzz - Home Alone

    Buzz home alone

    Lots of people have to deal with bullies, but Buzz is a member of Kevin's own family. At least have the common courtesy to bully friends and neighbors, Buzz.

     

    Jonas Brothers

    annoying jonas brothers

    I'm including all three of them, since they've technically been in movies, and they are technically annoying.

     

    Scar - The Lion King

    annoying brother scar lion king

    Because nothing is more annoying than killing your brother and stealing the throne.

     

    Are there any other annoying brothers we missed? Are you going to see Fun Sized? Let us know down below!


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  • 10/26/12--14:20: 8 Secretly Dirty Songs
  • There are lots of songs that are obviously filthy, like say Akon's 'I Wanna F*ck you'. No question there. And there are songs that fail at attempts to be secretly dirty, pretty much anything by Katy Perry. You're not fooling anyone with you're Peacock, 'lady'! But then there are some songs I just didn't realize were so muthaf*@%ing dirty! Here's a loook at 8 of them!

     

    Poker Face--Lady Gaga

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Bisexuality

    Secretly Dirty Lyric- Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin

    Lady Gaga admitted recently that the poker face she was referring to was the one she wears while having sex with a dude when she really wants to be sexing up a lady. She's bisexual, yo! Madonna's all like 'I was faux-bisexual before it was cool.' Kind of makes the Glee cover between Rachel and her biological mom extra grody now. Yeah I admit it, I watched Glee a few times..

     

    Afternoon Delight--The Starland Vocal Band

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Having sex in the daytime

    Secretly Dirty Lyric- Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite

    How can something so wholesome sounding be so friggin' dirty?? They were boning all the time in the 70s, amirite? But having a little afternoon delight is not as delightful as it may sound. Especially when your a kid whose parents forget it's a half day at school. Some things need to remain in the dark of night, mom and dad. 

     

    Blister In The Sun--Violent Femmes

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Masturbation

    Secretly Dirty Lyric- Body and beats, I stain my sheets. I don't even know why.

    Wait...this song is about masturbation?? I must have have looked pretty sophisticated singing it dorkily as a tween. Although it is nice to realize that I truly was once that innocent. And ew to the FAP blisters. Is that even possible!?!

     

    My Sharona--The Knack

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Jailbait

    Secretly Dirty Lyric-  Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind.

    Who doesn't love this tune? It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. And if you do what the 25 year old songwriter did (sleep with a 17 year old girl)  you could get arrested! FUN FACT: The underage girl the songwriter was obsessed with appears on the above cover! Talk about your lenient parents!

     

    Glad You Came--The Wanted

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Giving a girl an orgasm

    Secretly Dirty Lyric-  The sun goes down The stars come out...glad you came

    Okay...maybe it's not that secretly dirty. We get it The Wanted! You're WAY edgier than One Direction. And ewwww!

     

    Brown Sugar--The Rolling Stones

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Slave Rape

    Secretly Dirty Lyric-  Hear him whip the women just around midnight.

    Okay. WTF have I been singing all these years?? This is the problem when you just bother to learn the chorus of a song. Who can argue with loving brown sugar? I mean, I knew it was really about being attracted to black ladies, to put it mildly, but slave rape?! SLAVE RAPE!?? I can't even...

     

    YMCA--The Village People

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Casual Sex

    Secretly Dirty Lyric- They have everything for young men to enjoy You can hang out with all the boys

    It's nice to know that all of our grandmas are joyfully dancing at weddings and bar mitzvahs to a song that is basically an ode to casual gay sex. Bravo, Village People! You're looking mighty hilarious right now!

     

    First Dance--Justin Bieber

     secretly dirty songs

    (source) 

    What it's secretly about: Losing your virginity

    Secretly Dirty Lyric- Girl, I promise I'll be gentle, I know we gotta do it slowly.

    Are we seriously supposed to believe this is about a first dance?? Has anyone ever need someone to gently dance with them? I mean come on! And another thing...we know you'll be gentle for that 'first dance', Justin. There's no apparatus for you to hurt a girl with. ZING!

    Any other dirty songs I missed? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below and I'll put 'em on the next list!

    Check Out 18 Accidentally Naughty Images That Will Ruin Your Childhood!


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    Halloween is a time to be whatever you want to be. However there are a few costumes that you probably shouldn't wear if you plan on ever being cool again. Here are Halloween costumes that you should avoid.

     

    Cereal Killer

    old cereal killer

    (source)

    This is a fine costume for a hip grandma, but there is no reason anyone under 50 or over 5 should wear this costume and think that they're being clever. As punishment for wearing this costume, you should be banned from Halloween for life.

     

    Really Expensive Masks

    dragon mask

    (source)

    $250 giant dragon masks are super awesome. I would never fault anyone for wanting to try to go as one of these. It's cool and everyone knows it! The problem wish masks like that is they tend to get very hot and wet, and glasses tend to get impossibly foggy. Your costume is going to quickly change fron Dragon Warrior to guy in glasses carrying dragon mask.

     

    Ironic Racist

    paris hilton native american

    (source)

    If you're at a party, you're bound to wind up in some pictures. You may not realize it, but anything you put on the internet is going to be there forever. Good luck explaining to your future possible employers the suddle irony in your extremely offensive costume.

     

    Foam Character Costumes

    mr slice costume

    (source)

    You may not think going as a giant pizza slice is a bad idea. Everyone loves pizza, right? That's true. What everyone doesn't love is talking to a someone that they can't see. It's just creepy. You don't know if you should look at the mouth or the eyes when you talk to them. If you're in a foam character costume, you are definitely going home alone tonight.

     

    Heavy Accent

    borat costume

    (source)

    You're Borat costume would have been really funny in 2007, but it's not really that great of an idea. The worst part is that you have to speak with an accent the entire night. If you give up the accent for even a minute, then you'll get called out by everyone you see. "YOU STOPPED TALKING LIKE HIM! DO THE CATCH PHRASE! DO IT!"

     

    A Teacher From Your School

    kid in teacher costume

    (source)

    Sure, Mrs. Rose is your favorite teacher and beloved by the whole school, there is no bigger way to be a suck up than dress as your teacher. It also sends them a creepy message. Now they know that if anything happens to them, there is someone waiting to take their place like a pod person.

     

    Unironic Disney Character

    taco belle

    (source)

    Once you're out of elementary school, you have to stop dressing as Disney characters unironically. It's just way too creepy to dress like that once you hit a certain age. Most people realize this, but there are always still a few people that love Disney too much to give it up. If you must insist on going as a Disney character, at least go as a zombie or vampire version of the character.

     

    Over-complicated Pun

    french kiss costume

    (source)

    The following is a transcript of every conversation that you'll have on Halloween. "Sweet mullet costume, bro. Business in front and party in the back!" "No. I'm not a mullet. I'm in a suit and I have a birthday card on my back. Get it?" "Mullet?" "It's a BIRTHDAY SUIT! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"

     

    Giant Costume

    giant robot costume

    (source)

    When planning your costume make sure to remember that you both have to be able to carry the weight of it and fit through doors. These are pretty much the two basic requirements for wearing a Halloween costume. If you're out Trick Or Treating in a suit of armor or as a small boat, then I really hope that you live in a neighborhood that doesn't have very many hills.

     

    Duo With Your Parents

    batman robinj costume fail

    (source)

    This is just embarassing. Hopefully, you and your parent are a platonic duo like the Mario Bros. or Batman and Robin and not two characters that are supposed to be in love with each other. Edward and Bella from Twilight costumes are completely inappropriate to wear with your parent. If they allow that, then you should probably be taken away from them.

     

    What's the most embarrassing costume that you ever wore on Halloween? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out 22 Actually Scary Horror Cosplays for some great costume ideas!


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    This has got to be the cutest WTF I've ever seen! But what exactly is the meaning behind this WTF?  Give us a funny caption for this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!

    bear waving

    If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 10/29/12 will not be considered. Good luck! 

    CAN'T WAIT? You can buy a shirt HERE!


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    We all know more killing goes on in the video world than the real world. The former Premier of Russia Joseph Stalin, probably history's most prolific murderer, put between 15 and 20 million people in the ground. Meanwhile, the Halo community has racked up over 136 BILLION kills. When we think about how much death occurs in video games, however, we never think about NINTENDO. But that doesn't mean the comapny responsible for bouncy, happy plumbers and smiley electric yellow mice are without blood on their hands. Here are the top five murders in Nintendo history.

     

    5. Samus Aran

    samus aran

    (source)

    Did you ever play Metroid 2? That was a game where the entire point was to LITERALLY EXTERMINATE AN ENTIRE RACE. Can you imagine how bad you'd feel after exterminating an entire race? The only thing I've exterminated was an entire box of my roommate's Pop Tarts and I felt AWFUL.

     

    4. Ganondorf

    ganondorf

    (source)

    Ganondorf had seven straight years to do whatever he wanted to the citizens of Hyrule while Link was trapped in some sort of time travel-induced slumber. So now you've got a tyrant with the whole goddamn Triforce and a serious chip on his shoulder. How do you think Ganondorf dealt with his dissenters? By sitting down and having an open, honest discussion about thier issues? NO. The answer is BLADES. Blades in their FACE.

     

    3. Fox McCloud

    fox mccloud star fox

    (source)

    Star Fox 64 is the only Nintendo game to feature a running tally of the lives you've ended at the top left of the screen. And besides that, at the end of the game, McCloud actually issues General Pepper a BILL based on the number of pilots he killed. General Pepper is then heard to exclaim "That's a steep bill!", but it's NOTHING compared to the cost Fox is paying vis a vis his eternal soul.

     

    2. Wario

    wario motorcycle

    (source)

    I don't know if Wario has a ton of RECORDED kills on his record, unless we're counting Smash Bros. — in which case, Solid Snake automatically tops this and EVERY list about killing.

    But doesn't Wario just feel like the kind of guy who has a ton of bodies under his house? If Wario's back yard was ever dug up I'd say there'd be a minimum of five families who would finally get the closure after their daughters never came back from spring break.

     

    1. This specific Goomba

    mario 1-1 goomba

    (source)

    Think about this — everyone who's EVER PLAYED A VIDEO GAME has picked up the original Super Mario Bros. For most of us, it was our first game. So all video game players met this very Goomba as their first challenge in video games. And if you've never played a game before, you don't understand JUMP MECHANICS. You don't get TIMING. You barely know to move from left to right! There is an incredibly good chance that, on your first try with Mario, this Goomba killed you.

    Just think about that for a second. Every grandparent who ever picked up a controller to impress their grandkids. Every baby that drooled a little too hard on a d-pad. Every grad student so exhausted with their thesis that they thought they'd take up a new, electronic hobby. Every Disneyland mascot who thought it'd be funny to play with their bulky costume still on. Everyone who'se ever played video games — THIS GOOMBA HAS TOUCHED THEIR LIVES.

    In a way, this Goomba gives humanity a touchstone. How can you hate your nosy neighbor, your high school bully, the Republican nominee for president? They share a tragedy with you and I both — we've all been killed by this Goomba. How can there be disagreements between us now? We're all humans, and we're all in this together.

    And therefore, that's it! Hatred is over! Let's all of humanity go out together for tiramisu to celebrate!

     

    Anyone who you think has committed greater crimes against humanity in the Nintendo universe? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     

    Check out 7 Things You ACTUALLY Learn From Videogames


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  • 10/28/12--09:22: Punday: Founding Fathers
  • We declare all puns are created equally bad.

     

    punday founding fathers Benjamin franklin ben 10

     

    punday founding fathers george Washington tonton starwars

     

    punday founding fathers john adams-neck apple

     

    punday founding fathers taco bell liberty bell

     

    punday founding fathers Thomas Jefferson sonny cuckoo

     

    punday founding fathers revolution george washington

    Check Out Last Week's Punday!


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    Demi Lovato sang like she had at least four extra throats waiting at home at Game 4 of the World Series this weekend.


    final fantasy
    Here, Final Fantasy characters pay tribute to Demi Lovato by using the "Demi" spell, which is named after her.
    (source)

    The callous clickhounds at eonline Trashed Demi for adding several hundred extra notes to the word "air." No doubt the word air has never taken that long to sing. They're not wrong about that. But I actually thought she did a pretty inspiring job. Considering my fairly negative feelings about nation-states and patriotism, the fact that for a moment listening to Demi sing about how brave Americans are I almost forgot how many of them I see riding around on motorized grocery store carts because they're too overweight to walk towards the pumpkin pies they want to buy... is pretty amazing.


    fat americans
    In the land of the free and the home of the brave, two women buy forty pound bags of malt balls.
    (source)

    Several websites, not just eonline, accused Demi Lovato of using the opportunity to showboat. But I don't see anything wrong with working hard and using all your gifts to make what you are singing sound as beautiful as you can. Look, I'm the last person to defend Demi Lovato, or attack her for that matter. I don't know that lady. Why would I have an opinion about her. But when I read people talking smack on her national anthem rendition I just feel like Haters gonna Hate.


    haters gonna hate
    One of Demi Lovato's most vocal critics realizes the emptiness of his diatribes says more about him than it does the target of his ire. Shortly thereafter he died of a broken heart.
    (source)

    But don't take my word for it. Judge for yourself. See how much intensity she sings with. She certainly didn't phone it in. About the only thing I can see that she did wrong while singing the National Anthem was not ride a predator drone into the stadium, back flip off of it wrapped in an American flag, and throw off the flag revealing an American Flag Bikini.


    Why do you think people online be haters so much of the time? Let us know in the comments below!

     


    Check out Jobs Disney Stars Would Be Working If They Weren't On Disney!

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